Crushed By A Stammer

| Romantic | January 25, 2013

(My crush lives on the other side of the country. I only get to see him once a year when his family’s on vacation in my town. I run into him.)

Me: “Oh, hey! How’s it going?”

Crush: “Oh, hi!”

(This segues into both of us stammering for a while. It takes a full minute for either of us to form a coherent sentence.)

Me: “Uh, well, um, I’d better go pick up the girl I’m babysitting this afternoon.”

Crush: “Yeah, and… um… I’d better go iron my shoes.”

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Worthy Of Rapture-ous Applause

| Related | January 11, 2013

(I am two or three years old. My mom is pretty insistent that we go to church every week, but being a small child, I get bored easily.)

Me: “Mommy, I want to go home.”

Mom: “We’ll go home once the service is over.”

Me: “When will it be over?”

Mom: “Well, when the preacher gets done talking and sits down, we’ll sing and then we’ll have a prayer, and then we can go home.”

Me: “Okay.”

(There’s a slight pause, and then I stand up on my seat.)

Me: *as loud as possible* “YOU TALKED ENOUGH. YOU CAN SIT DOWN NOW.”

(My mom was mortified, but the preacher’s wife thought it was hilarious.)

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Apparently You Can Buy Love

| Related | December 19, 2012

(My church hosts a monthly charity breakfast, and my sister has brought her new boyfriend to it. He’s meeting several other members of the congregation. Both my sister and her boyfriend work at Walmart.)

Church member: “So, where’d you find him?”

Sister: “We actually work together.”

Me: “See! Walmart really does have everything!”

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Let Us Phone Over To The Other Side

| Working | November 5, 2012

(I work as the lead singer at a church. There is a phone system connecting the singer’s area, the priest’s area, and the organist up in the choir loft. We are on cordial terms with each other, but the phones are mainly used to coordinate last-minute details about the service, so communication is businesslike. A few minutes before the service is supposed to start, the organist calls me to tell me something about the music. I hang up, and immediately the phone rings again, this time it is the priest calling.)

Me: “Yes?”

Priest: “Hi! Uh… it’s nothing really. I just realized that I’ve never called to that side, and I wanted to see what it was like.”

Me: “…And was it everything you hoped it would be?”

Priest: *happily* “Oh, yes!” *hangs up*

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The Holy Twi-Light

| Right | October 25, 2012

(I am teaching a children’s Bible Study lesson on the sons of Isaac.)

Me: “So the first twin’s name was Esau, which means hairy. And his brother came out holding onto his heel, and his parents named him Jacob.”

Girl #1: “Like the werewolf in Twilight?”

Girl #2: “Why did they name him Jacob? Does it mean ‘holding heels’ or something?”

Me: “Uh… hold on.”

(I go to the back of the room to look in the Bible, and see if it mentions why they chose the name Jacob.)

Girl #1: “Jacob is like the name from Twilight!”

Me: “Please don’t mention that book around me.”

Girl #3: “Do you like Twilight, Miss [my name]?”

Me: “No, I do not!”

Girl #1: “Why not?”

(I open my mouth to answer, but…)

Boy: “Because it’s BAD!”

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