Let Us Phone Over To The Other Side

| Working | November 5, 2012

(I work as the lead singer at a church. There is a phone system connecting the singer’s area, the priest’s area, and the organist up in the choir loft. We are on cordial terms with each other, but the phones are mainly used to coordinate last-minute details about the service, so communication is businesslike. A few minutes before the service is supposed to start, the organist calls me to tell me something about the music. I hang up, and immediately the phone rings again, this time it is the priest calling.)

Me: “Yes?”

Priest: “Hi! Uh… it’s nothing really. I just realized that I’ve never called to that side, and I wanted to see what it was like.”

Me: “…And was it everything you hoped it would be?”

Priest: *happily* “Oh, yes!” *hangs up*

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The Holy Twi-Light

| Right | October 25, 2012

(I am teaching a children’s Bible Study lesson on the sons of Isaac.)

Me: “So the first twin’s name was Esau, which means hairy. And his brother came out holding onto his heel, and his parents named him Jacob.”

Girl #1: “Like the werewolf in Twilight?”

Girl #2: “Why did they name him Jacob? Does it mean ‘holding heels’ or something?”

Me: “Uh… hold on.”

(I go to the back of the room to look in the Bible, and see if it mentions why they chose the name Jacob.)

Girl #1: “Jacob is like the name from Twilight!”

Me: “Please don’t mention that book around me.”

Girl #3: “Do you like Twilight, Miss [my name]?”

Me: “No, I do not!”

Girl #1: “Why not?”

(I open my mouth to answer, but…)

Boy: “Because it’s BAD!”

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You’ll Need A Rock For The Occasion

| Romantic | October 19, 2012

(Two friends of ours are getting married, and my boyfriend and I are sitting in one of the pews, chatting before the ceremony begins. We watch wrestling every once in a while as it’s something we both enjoyed heavily in our early childhoods.)

Me: “We should have a WWE-themed wedding.”

Boyfriend: *grins* “And before you walk down the aisle, fireworks will shoot out.”

Me: “And pyro. And I’ll have my theme song playing through the speakers while I run down the aisle and high-five everyone and flex my muscles.”

Boyfriend: “And your dress can be the Hulk Hogan colors, red and yellow.”

Me: “And the guests will wear Lucha Libre masks.”

Boyfriend: “The bridesmaids can wear Lucha Libre masks. And everyone in the wedding gets their own theme song. My dad can come out to ‘Stone Cold’ Steve Austin’s theme.”

Me: “We’re going to have to rent out an arena for our wedding. So we can get married in the ring.”

Boyfriend: “Yes! And the minister will be a referee. A microphone can come down from the ceiling and he’ll be all like…” *clears throat* “Let’s get ready for wedlock!”

Me: “Instead of wedding bands, we’ll have [friend] make us championship belts.”

(Note: there’s a friend of my side of the family who’s a goldsmith.)

Boyfriend: “Definitely. And instead of kissing, we’ll just tag each other in and the referee will hold up our arms as they sound the bell.”

(We’re both sitting there trying to muffle our giggles, because it has gotten quiet in the church.)

Boyfriend: *hushed* “I love you.”

Me: *whispers* “We’re awesome.”

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Just Plain Batty, Part 2

, , , , , | Right | August 23, 2012

(I work as a Sunday school teacher at my church, which I’ve been going to for the past ten years. Most of the church members know me by now, and they know I’m a goth, even though I don’t look it when I’m working. This happens when a new member notices I am wearing a bat necklace.)

New Member: *gasps* “That’s scary!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

New Member: You “shouldn’t wear that to church. It’s scary and it’s evil! You’re corrupting the children!”

Other Member: *to the new member* “It’s just a bat; bats aren’t evil.”

New Member: “It’s a vampire, and vampires are from Satan!”

(I put my necklace into my shirt so no one can see it. After church, the pastor comes up to me.)

Pastor: “Where’s your necklace? Did you lose it?”

Me: “Someone complained about it because it was ‘scary,’ so I tucked it into my shirt.”

Pastor: “That’s stupid. I’d hate to have her see what you have planned for the kids this Halloween!”

 

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Cross Examination

| Related | June 2, 2012

(My maiden great aunt works for the dean at the cathedral. I am four, my parents and grandparents take me there for a visit. My aunt is showing us around the nave, where I make some youthful observations.)

Me: *looking up at the effigy of the crucifixion* “Why didn’t they use sellotape to hold him up? It would have hurt less!”

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