In Search Of Holy Handouts

| | Right | December 29, 2009

Caller: “Hey…I need y’all to come out to [motel] and take me to the airport.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t think I’ll be able to do that.”

Caller: “Oh, and bring forty-five dollars.”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, I cannot come pick you up.”

Caller: “What? I just came to your crummy town for a weekend and now I gotta get back home. Why the hell aren’t you helping me? I just need a ride and forty-five dollars!”

Me: “Sir, I’m afraid I can’t.”

Caller: “Ain’t y’all a church? Why don’t you get off your lazy a** and come get me?”

Me: “Sir, I am not accustomed to meeting strange men at motels.”

Caller: “Well, it’s obvious YOU ain’t a Christian!”

1 Thumbs
3,936
VOTES

Christmas Is All Pope & Circumstance

| | Right | December 24, 2009

Me: “Good afternoon, thank you for calling [church’s name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I’d like to know why the time of the Christmas Eve mass was changed.”

Me: “There was a scheduling conflict with the Christmas Carol Concert. I’m sorry if it’s caused an inconvenience for you.”

Customer: “It has. Many of them.”

Me: “I’m so sorry.”

Customer: “You’ll change it back, then?”

Me: “Um, no. See, there’s still the scheduling conflict.”

Customer: “But I have plans at the mass’s new time! I need you to change it back!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m really not in charge of that decision.”

Customer: “I am not getting off the phone until you change it back.”

Me: “There really isn’t anything I can do for you. I’m sorry.”

Customer: “Have you called the Pope and told him about this? Call the Pope and tell him that your priests have changed the mass time. He’ll fix it.”

Me: “I actually don’t have his number on me.”

Customer: “I’ll hold.”

1 Thumbs
3,614
VOTES

Why The Pope And Dalai Lama Are Unlisted

, , , | | Right | June 17, 2008

(It is nearly Christmas, about 11 pm. The Vicar has been out all day visiting elderly parishioners and has fallen asleep in front of the television. The phone rings.)

Me: “Hello. St. [Saint]’s Vicarage. Can I help you?”

Man: “I need to speak to the Vicar.”

Me: “I am afraid he is unavailable at the moment. Can I take a message?”

Man: “Can’t you contact him? This is really urgent.”

Me: “I am afraid I can only disturb him in an emergency. What is the problem? I am a Reader (lay minister). Perhaps I can help?”

Man: “I have this really deep theological question. I’m sure only the Vicar can answer it.”

Me: “I do have a degree in theology, sir. I’m sure I can help.”

Man: “When is the Twelfth Day of Christmas?”

Me: “…?”

Man: “Are you there? I told you, only the Vicar would know.”

Me: “It’s the 5th of January. The day before Epiphany.”

Man: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Definitely. Why do you need to know?”

Man: “Me and my mates are doing a pub quiz. It’s the one question we couldn’t answer. Thanks. Bye!”

Me: “…”

1 Thumbs
2,592
VOTES

Jesus, Now Peanut Free!

| | Right | February 9, 2008

(It is Ash Wednesday and we have kids form next door come over for Mass in the morning. I’m serving as a communion minister as the kids start to come up. One little guy came up right away and just stood there with his hands at his sides looking at me.)

Me: “Do you take communion yet?”

Him: “Do those have peanuts?”

Me: “?”

Him: “‘Cause I can’t have peanuts.”

Me: “No peanuts here, but have you had communion yet?”

Him: “I don’t think I should, just in case there’s peanuts. I can’t have any.”

Me: “How about we just give you a blessing then?” *I make the sign of a cross on his forehead and give him a blessing*

Him: “Thanks, maybe next time there won’t be any peanuts. I can’t have those.”

Me: *wonders if we should make up a “Jesus – Now Peanut Free!” sign, just in case* ;o)

1 Thumbs
1,809
VOTES
Page 32/32First...2829303132