Crushed Their Chances

| Toronto, ON, Canada | Romantic | December 7, 2016

(I have liked this guy for about six years. I am really shy but as I get into my teens I turn very social. I finally manage to sit and talk with him after church. It’s all going well… until a very “odd” elderly lady comes and sits between us.)

Lady: “OH, MY GOODNESS! YOU TWO! FINALLY! [My Name], what are you planning for university?”

Me: “Mathematics, Ms. [Lady].”

Lady: “Oh. Well. And you?” *to Crush*

Crush: “I’m not sure, yet.”

Lady: “Well, you better hurry up and decide! Can’t very well have your future wife being smarter than you! She’s going to have to stay home with the kids anyway.”

(She grabs me by the shoulder and him and pushes us closer, holding our heads.)

Lady: “Oh! Look at you two! [Crush’s Last Name] and [My Last Name]! It was meant to be! We’ve all been rooting for you! Imagine how cute your kids are going to be!” *to Crush* “You better get started on that!” *to me* Are you fertile now?”

Me: *in shock* “Uh… no? I’m only 17.”

Lady: “Oh, I’m being so rude. I’ll leave you two kids alone. Don’t get started on the babies until I leave! Oh, the two of you. So great.”

(She leaves and I’m sitting there gripping the edge of the chair.)

Crush: “I… uh… I’m gonna go—”

Me: “Yup. Yup.”

(We haven’t talked much since.)

Mark The Letter As Red

, | Boulder, CO USA | Related | November 28, 2016

(I co-lead a youth group at a local Chinese church. Two graduates of the group have finished college and are getting married. We (group members and helping dad) take an evening to write them notes of congratulations. The next week:)

Dad: “Don’t send the notes yet! I have to re-write mine!”

Me: “Why?”

Dad: “I have to! Do you have another page I can use?”

(I give him another paper and watch him carefully copy his original letter.)

Dad: “Here! Whew!”

Me: “Um… why did you have to copy it over?”

Dad: “I wrote it in red pen! And in Chinese culture, writing a letter in red ink means you want to sever relationship!”

There’s Madness In The Methodist

, | Durham, NC, USA | Right | November 16, 2016

(I’m working a pumpkin sale at our church. All proceeds go to “mission work,” which is hunger relief in town and in Haiti, providing poor students at local schools with needed supplies, and Habitat for Humanity. We sell about two tractor trailer loads a season at slightly higher than regular retail, and do a lot of good work with the proceeds.)

Customer: “You’ve got such great pumpkins here!”

Me: “Thank you, we’re proud of our patch. What can I help you with?”

Customer: “Well, I like to make brandy out of pumpkins, so I’d like you to give me a discount on a big batch.”

Me: “Let me get this straight: you’re at a charity pumpkin sale at a church, and you’d like a moonshiner’s discount?”

Customer: *leaves in embarrassed silence*

Should Have Gone With Your Saved Answer

| Columbus, OH, USA | Friendly | October 21, 2016

(I am at my home church, which is very informal. The pastor has just finished a sermon on grace through faith.)

Pastor: “I don’t want to see anyone go to Hell! Do you want to see anyone go to Hell?”

Church Goer: *thoughtfully* “Hmm, now, that’s a tough one.”

Should Have Gone To Bethlehem

| Jerusalem, Israel | Romantic | October 12, 2016

(I’m walking around the Christian area of the old city looking for something to buy for my mom who lives in America. My in-laws and friends are super loud and always cause a scene. They found a friend that wants to meet me and my daughter and spot me wondering around a church.)

Family And Friends: *running at us screeching my daughter’s name and a bunch of Hebrew slang for cute*

Me: *with a forced smile* “Oh, sweet baby Jesus! Brace yourself.”

Husband: “You’re the wrong religion. You don’t get his help.”

(And I didn’t. I never do when I go back.)

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