Mother Of Bridezilla

, , , , | Friendly | September 28, 2017

I live in a small town, opposite a church. The road is very narrow, and my driveway is just across from the church entrance. I’ve had churchgoers park across my driveway, in my driveway, and even on my parking space on our premises, because they are too lazy to walk the 200 metres from the church parking lot, but this one time really took the cake.

I wanted to go to work and found a horse-drawn carriage blocking the road. Apparently there was a wedding going on and the bride wanted to leave the church in style. I still had some time, so I went back inside. Fifteen minutes later, the carriage was still there and no sign of the bride, so I asked the driver if he could move back a bit so I could get my car out of the driveway. He was really nice about it and started to manoeuvre the horses backward, when suddenly the bride’s mother came running out of the church. She started screaming at me that I was ruining her daughter’s wedding. She kept yelling and cursing, telling me that I would go to Hell for being such a spiteful, inconsiderate b****.

I was running late by now, so I just got in my car and drove off, and she was still in the middle of the road screaming when I turned the corner.

I know weddings are stressful, but jeez, lady! Relax!

Unfiltered Story #94397

, | Unfiltered | September 23, 2017

(I’m was in the church lobby waiting for my mom to pick me up. I had brought a large pan of chocolate cake squares for the potluck and I still had some leftover. As this guy is walking out he looks over at the pan)

Guy: Hey! Mind if I take a brownie?
Me: Sure.
(He grabs a large square and starts to eat it)
Guy: Wow this is a really good brownie!
Me: Thanks but it’s actually chocolate cake.
Guy:(After spilling some crumbs on his shirt) This is a really crumbly brownie.
Me: Well it’s a bit more crumbly since it’s a cake.
Guy: This brownie is really good and fluffy. It’s almost like a cake.
Me:….. yeah.
(Thankfully, my mom arrived at that moment)
Me: Well that’s my ride, have a good day.
Guy: Bye and thanks for the brownie!
(Note that I excluded ten minutes of this conversation in which he talked about the differences between desserts. Specifically brownies and cakes!)

A Weird Beard Exchange

, , , , , , | Friendly | September 22, 2017

I regularly played guitar on Sunday mornings with the music team at my church, and had for many years at the time of this story.

This particular Sunday was during a period where I was in between jobs, and I had let my beard grow out for a couple months due to laziness, and a little curiosity.

An old lady that I recognized, but had never talked to before, came up to me after service. “Excuse me,” she said, “I was looking at you during worship today, and I was just thinking that you used to be such an attractive young man. I just wish you’d take better care of yourself.”

To this day, that has been the only exchange between that woman and me.

Not Going Fully Native(ity)

, , , , , | Learning | August 24, 2017

(I am in charge of costuming all of the Sunday School kids for our church’s annual Christmas pageant. I have made a stack of patched, ragged tunics and headgear out of donated sheets, towels, etc. for the shepherds, and told them that they need to either bring a pair of dark colored leather sandals (no flip-flops) to wear that night, or if they prefer they can go barefoot. The dressing area is in the basement, and it’s a little chilly. An eleven-year-old boy has donned his tunic (and shorts under the tunic; I’m not a stickler for realism) and is arguing with me about his footwear.)

Boy: “Why can’t I wear my socks and running shoes? I’m cold!”

Me: “Because you’re a poor shepherd.”

Boy: “Couldn’t I be a rich shepherd?”

Wasn’t Done In A New York Minute

, , , , | Right | May 29, 2017

(I work at a very large church in NYC that’s also a popular tourist destination. We’re known not just for our grandeur, but also our programming, both liturgical and secular, which brings a lot of people through our doors. I work in the gift shop, which is also something of a reception area. In the middle of a busy day, I get this phone call.)

Me: “[My Church] Visitors Center. This is [My Name].”

Caller: “Hi, there’s an organ concert happening at [Church on the other side of town] next week and I’m coming into Penn Station to hear it.”

(Please note, we have organ concerts, as well, so I’m thinking this has something to do with our organist.)

Caller: “How do I get there?”

Me: “From [My Church]?”

Caller: “No! From Penn Station! Can I walk to Madison Avenue and then take the Madison Avenue local?”

Me: “Walk to Madison Avenue from Penn Station? It’s kind of far.”

Caller: “But can I walk it?”

Me: “I suppose you could walk the entire way if you wanted to.”

Caller: “But I want to walk to Madison Avenue and then take the local up!”

Me: “This isn’t [Church across town]. This is [My Church].”

Caller: “I know! But no one was picking up over there!”

Me: “I can try to help get you directions, but we’re not affiliated with that church, so I’m not familiar with where it is.”

Caller: “I know you’re not! I’m just trying to find out if I can walk to Madison Avenue and take the Madison Avenue local up!”

Me: “To get across town your best bet is to take the shuttle at Times Square.”

Caller: “I don’t want to take a shuttle! What subway should I take!”

Me: “The shuttle is the subway you should take. It runs from Times Square to Grand Central and back.”

(This goes on for far longer than you’d think it should, after I’ve given him explicit subway instructions with him questioning me at every direction. He doesn’t believe me that there’s no subway line on Madison Avenue. He doesn’t believe me that the closest subway stop is four blocks and two avenues from the church, and he’s getting increasingly frustrated that I don’t know the exact address and location of a church I don’t work for. My line is growing and my colleague — who is not required to answer phones, by the way — offers to take the call so I can get back to our visitors.)

Me: “I’m going to pass you on to my colleague, because I have a line of customers here who need help, but she will help you find the best way to get there.”

Caller: “Customers? What’s going on there? Is there an event?”

Me: “No, no event today.”

Caller: “Then what customers do you have?”

Me: “We have tourists visiting here every day.”

Caller: “Is this the gift shop?!”

Me: “Yes. I’m passing you on to my colleague now.”

(She takes the phone while I apologize to our paying customers. I can overhear her telling him basically the same things I said and apparently getting the same backlash. Ultimately I hear her say, “We don’t work for the MTA or that church, but the MTA’s website has a function to help you find the best route,” and shortly after that the call is over and my line has died down.)

Me: “What did he say when you told him you don’t work for the MTA?”

Colleague: “He said, ‘But you’re New Yorkers!’”

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