Continuously On-Guard With Your Job

, , , , | Working | December 4, 2019

(I’m on staff at a church. I have a babyface, but I’m actually closer to thirty than most people think. I’m helping with a youth group event. It hasn’t started yet, so I’m setting up the check-in computer while talking to a couple of students. I’m wearing my staff badge on a lanyard. One member of our security team approaches us.)

Security: “Hey! No students in here for another ten minutes! Outside!”

(The kids scatter. I continue the computer setup process.)

Security: “That means everyone!”

(I look around and seeing, no more students, start logging in to our check-in software.)

Security: “…including you at the computer!”

Me: “Huh?”

Security: “You’re not supposed to be messing with that! Move along, young lady!”

Me: “I work here!”

(I tap my badge.)

Security: “My mistake. Continue with your setup, then.”

(Fast forward one week. I’m setting up the computer for the youth service again when the same security guard walks by.)

Security: “You’re not supposed to be in here yet!”

Me: “I still work here!”

(I pick up my lanyard and wave my staff badge at eye level.)

Security: “Oh. Uh…”

Me: “Same as last week, [Security].”

(He scurried off. I didn’t have any more problems after that.)

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You May Now… Applaud?

, , , , , , , | Related | November 20, 2019

My sister is getting married. As her fiancé was raised Catholic, they’re having a Catholic wedding. Our side of the family is Christian, too, but we’re not familiar with Catholic rites or services, being a variety of other denominations. In addition, most of the friends of the bride and groom aren’t religious and so also aren’t familiar with Catholic practises.

Regardless of our inexperience, everything goes smoothly and my sister and her fiancé exchange vows and rings. The priest then invites my now brother-in-law to kiss his wife.

Awaiting the classic “I now pronounce you husband and wife” line which isn’t actually used, the guests don’t quite realise that this is the big moment and there are a few heartbeats of silence.

“There’s usually a big cheer right about here,” the priest prompts, and we all start clapping.

“We’d better try that again!” the priest jokes, inviting my brother-in-law to kiss his wife again.

This time we raise the roof with claps, cheers, and laughter!

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Finding The Sugary Silver Lining

, , , , , , | Related | November 19, 2019

I was attending a funeral. The elderly mother of a friend had died, and close family members were reading personal messages. A granddaughter, about fifth or sixth grade, declared that it wasn’t so problematic that Grandmother had dementia:

It meant she sometimes forgot whether she had dealt sweets or not and they walked away with two pieces of candy.

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They Must Think You’re Really Tithe

, , , , , | Friendly | November 4, 2019

(My friend invites me to a church she just started attending with her coworker. The coworker has been going to this church for years. I make sure to take $5 to donate since I don’t want to seem rude. At the beginning of the sermon, they ask if there are any new people. My friend and I raise our hands; we think they are just taking count of how many new people came for the day. We are wrong. They hand us a piece of paper with information on when we could bring our check stubs from our jobs to the church.)

Me: “Why do you need this information?”

Them: “We need to make sure you are donating 10% of what you make before taxes.”

Me: “I’m not going to do this.”

Them: “Well, then, you will have to leave.”

(We left and the other people we were there with got mad at us for not giving the church the information they wanted. This was a while ago and that church is still going.)

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Parenting Before You’re Adulting

, , , , | Related | October 28, 2019

(I’m sitting with my siblings in church. Our mom has decided to stay home and our dad is performing usher duties. As the oldest, I’m left in charge of my three younger brothers, who are constantly squabbling. I have my work cut out for me: the first brother, fourteen at the time, is incredibly sensitive to anything the second brother says, and the second brother, who is nine years old, rarely has anything nice to say. The second brother also constantly picks fights with the third, who is seven, and then calls him a baby for reacting, which only aggravates the situation. It’s frustrating, especially since I’m only sixteen. An elderly lady sits to my right and hears me trying to keep the younger two from throwing punches before the sermon even begins.)

Little Old Lady: “Are you the mom today?”

Me: *looks at brothers, who are arguing again* “At this point, I might as well be.”

(I think the little old lady felt some sympathy when I had to intervene in the brewing fight.)

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