Playing Hardball On The Golf Ball With Softball

, , , , , | Friendly | October 18, 2019

In the early part of the century, my wife and I were deacons in a small non-denominational church east of the Canadian Rockies. One summer, we spent weeks arranging an after-service family softball game — kids vs. adults. We had to work around other church activities and scheduled it for the last Sunday in August, giving everyone four weeks’ notice. The date was pushing things; in that part of the world, we could get snow at that time. Everything was set, until…

The Sunday before the game was scheduled, a man unknown to us got up during announcements. I was in the office counting the offering but the following is the verbatim quote, as verified by several people:

“Next Sunday, there will be a men’s golf outing immediately after church. This means that the softball game will have to be postponed.” And he sat down.

As I said, I missed his statement but I got back to the sanctuary in time to hear my wife, normally the nicest and most accommodating of persons, get up and ream him a new one in front of the congregation, stating that the game was not postponed and ending with, “We will not miss you.”

The game did go on as scheduled, but there is an addendum. As deacons, we were responsible for the day-to-day running of the church and we had begun to question our pastor. He was the founding minister of the church and had become a bit too comfortable in his role. He made no secret of his love for the game of golf and, for some mysterious reason, was never around on Fridays in good weather. We always suspected he was on the links but could never prove it. 

He had an obligation to be part of the softball game and it was obvious he didn’t want to be. Initially, he suggested we only play seven innings. We shot that down. Then, he wanted to let the kids win and go home; again, no. The game went on for over three hours with the score in the teens for both sides, but when it finally ended, our holy man vanished fast enough to call it a modern miracle.

To this day, we are convinced that he put the other man up to the claim the previous week as he didn’t have the guts to do it himself.

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All Aboot Jesus, Please

, , , , , | Friendly | October 16, 2019

(I have rather odd taste in music. I’m packing dinner kits at church with a group of friends and we’re discussing music as we put together the kits. Most of us favor pop or country music.)

Me: “I’ve been really into [Band] lately.”

Friend #1: “Cool, what genre are they?”

Me: “Christian Canadian punk rock.”

Friend #1: “What?”

Me: “Christian Canadian punk rock.”

Friend #2: “Those words do not go together!”

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Blimey! What A Lot Of Rubbish!

, , , , | Learning | October 16, 2019

(I teach kindergarteners and first-graders on Wednesday nights at my church. Tonight’s lesson is about the Tower of Babel. The point is to teach how language can be confusing.)

Me: “It’s hard to understand someone when they speak a different language, but sometimes it can be hard to understand someone even if they speak the same language as you. For instance, in Britain, even though they speak English, they use different words to describe the same things we have.”

Students: “No, they don’t. They speak English.”

Me: “So, you think if you went to London tomorrow, you could understand what they were saying?”

Students: “Yes!”

Me: “Okay. So, I leave my flat and take the lift down, only to discover my car is out of petrol. I call a tow truck on my mobile, but they want fifty pounds. So, I start my holiday off by taking the Tube to the football game, where I eat chips, not crisps. What did I say?”

Students: “Uh… We don’t know.”

(I pulled out a list I had prepared earlier, and we went through them one by one.)

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I Confess To Being As Mature As A Seven-Year-Old Boy

, , , , , , | Learning | October 13, 2019

(In second grade, my class prepares for first Reconciliation by practicing with our teacher and a nun who works at the church. The teacher or nun sits in the priest’s chair and we go in and have a pretend confession. The rest of the class watches so that we can learn from each other. Naturally, some students decide to have some fun with it.)

Nun: “What sins have you committed?”

Student: *grinning* “I farted in my dad’s face on purpose!”

Nun: “Well, that wasn’t very nice, was it?”

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These Are Our Kind Of Humans!

, , , , | Friendly | October 9, 2019

(My church has two high-school youth groups: the large main group and a small “misfits” group with less than eight regular attendees, meant for those who are more socially awkward and don’t connect with the main group. I’m a part of the smaller group. After a meeting, I’m talking with the rest of the group: three other girls. A girl from the main group passes us with her family and we see them coming.)

Me: “Oh, crud, humans! Everyone act normal!”

Girl #1: “Hello, fellow human!”

Girl #2: “Yes, hello! We are also humans!”

Me: “Perfectly normal humans!”

Girl #3: “Nothing to see here! We’re just normal humans like you doing normal human things!”

(The girl and her family smile politely and hurry away, probably questioning our sanity.)

Girl #2: *laughing* “This is why we’re the misfits.”

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