The Lord Himself Will Not Move That Car

| NC, USA | Crazy Requests, Religion, Transportation

(I work as the receptionist at a church, on a day when no one else is there. Because I am young, and working alone on everyone else’s day off, what I am allowed to do is very limited. I am 16, but look about 14.)

Me: “Good morning.”

Customer: “I need to see who is in charge!”

Me: “It’s our priest’s day off, I’m sorry. There’s just me, and I—”

Customer: “There is someone in my parking spot!”

Me: “We share the lot in the back with a few other businesses, so if someone—”


Me: “Is it a green pickup with a dent in the door?”

Customer: “Yes, and it’s in my spot.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, I’m a little confused, because you just described my car. It’s in a church spot, and it has a [Church]’s permit on the dashboard.”

Customer: “We are a new business that moved in where the Boy’s and Girl’s club was! We are entitled to spaces in the parking lot!”

Me: “The spaces with the signs that say, ‘Boy’s and Girl’s Club Parking Only’ are probably yours. Ours say ‘[Church] Parking Only,’ and I’m in a [Church]’s spot.”

Customer: “It’s not your lot. It’s the city’s lot. We only get two spaces and the church has six and the one that has the green truck should be ours!”

(She’s getting louder and I’m getting concerned.)

Me: “We’re a large building and all the spots in the left aisle have been ours since we built the parking lot. The city doesn’t own it. We do, and we rent the other six spaces to—”

Customer: “I want to talk to someone in charge!”

Me: “I can leave a note but I’m the only person in this entire building, so if I can’t help you, you’ll need to come back tomorrow.”

Customer: “Can you do ANYTHING to help me?”

Me: *listing one of the two things I’m allowed to do* “I can leave an urgent note for the priest to call you, and she’ll get back to you first thing in the morning tomorrow to talk about this.”

Customer: “That’s no help. What can you do right now?”

Me: *listing the other thing* “I can unlock the sanctuary so you can have meditative time with the Lord?”

Customer: “I don’t want religion. I want that parking space! There’s a number on the sign. I’m going to tow that car!”

(My car did not get towed.)

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That’s What You Call A Coke Addict

| Altamonte Springs, FL, USA | Bizarre, Religion

(I am volunteering at an annual festival we have at my church. It’s my first time. I’m serving soft drinks. I am 13 and a middle-aged lady orders.)

Customer: “Can I get a Diet Coke?”

Me: “All we have is Pepsi. Will that be okay?”

Customer: “What? All you have is Pepsi? How much does it cost?”

Me: “One dollar, ma’am.”

Customer: “That won’t do. Where can I get a Coke?”

Me: “You won’t find any Coca-Cola products here, ma’am.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous! You wouldn’t know quality beverages if it hit you in the face. I demand you tell me where I can get my d*** Diet Coke!”

Me: “Well, if you must there’s a Publix right down the—”

Customer: “Go to h***!”

(One of the nuns overhears this and pulls the lady aside. The lady begins to turn pale as the nun speaks to her. After about five minutes of speaking with the nun the lady leaves. The nun comes over to where I am.)

Me: “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. What did you say to her?”

Nun: “Doesn’t matter. All we need is Jesus.”

There’s Madness In The Methodist

, | Durham, NC, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Money, Religion

(I’m working a pumpkin sale at our church. All proceeds go to “mission work,” which is hunger relief in town and in Haiti, providing poor students at local schools with needed supplies, and Habitat for Humanity. We sell about two tractor trailer loads a season at slightly higher than regular retail, and do a lot of good work with the proceeds.)

Customer: “You’ve got such great pumpkins here!”

Me: “Thank you, we’re proud of our patch. What can I help you with?”

Customer: “Well, I like to make brandy out of pumpkins, so I’d like you to give me a discount on a big batch.”

Me: “Let me get this straight: you’re at a charity pumpkin sale at a church, and you’d like a moonshiner’s discount?”

Customer: *leaves in embarrassed silence*

Thank Heaven For Customer Service

| Houston, TX, USA | Crazy Requests, Religion

(I’m a part-time receptionist at my church and take a phone call.)

Me: “[Church], may I help you?”

Caller: “Hello! Who is the owner of your establishment, and may I speak with him, please?”

Me: “That would be God. May I put you through?”

Caller: *click*

Can’t Sweeten The Deal

, | Orlando, FL, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

(I overhear a conversation in a café:)

Customer: “Hey! I just wanted to add some of your delicious flavored syrups to my coffee.”

Barista: You bought that coffee somewhere else.”

Customer: “Yeah, but you have better flavor syrups.”

Barista: “Well, I guess I can add some to your coffee. It will be 40¢ for each flavor. What would you like?”

Customer: “What? I just want the syrup.”

Barista: “I know but we did buy them, so I have to charge you something.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous! I came here just for your flavored syrup!”

Barista: “Maybe next time you can come here for your coffee and then get whatever you want added to it.”

Customer: “But [Other Coffee Shop] has better coffee!”

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