That’s What You Call A Coke Addict

| Altamonte Springs, FL, USA | Bizarre, Religion

(I am volunteering at an annual festival we have at my church. It’s my first time. I’m serving soft drinks. I am 13 and a middle-aged lady orders.)

Customer: “Can I get a Diet Coke?”

Me: “All we have is Pepsi. Will that be okay?”

Customer: “What? All you have is Pepsi? How much does it cost?”

Me: “One dollar, ma’am.”

Customer: “That won’t do. Where can I get a Coke?”

Me: “You won’t find any Coca-Cola products here, ma’am.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous! You wouldn’t know quality beverages if it hit you in the face. I demand you tell me where I can get my d*** Diet Coke!”

Me: “Well, if you must there’s a Publix right down the—”

Customer: “Go to h***!”

(One of the nuns overhears this and pulls the lady aside. The lady begins to turn pale as the nun speaks to her. After about five minutes of speaking with the nun the lady leaves. The nun comes over to where I am.)

Me: “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. What did you say to her?”

Nun: “Doesn’t matter. All we need is Jesus.”

There’s Madness In The Methodist

, | Durham, NC, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Money, Religion

(I’m working a pumpkin sale at our church. All proceeds go to “mission work,” which is hunger relief in town and in Haiti, providing poor students at local schools with needed supplies, and Habitat for Humanity. We sell about two tractor trailer loads a season at slightly higher than regular retail, and do a lot of good work with the proceeds.)

Customer: “You’ve got such great pumpkins here!”

Me: “Thank you, we’re proud of our patch. What can I help you with?”

Customer: “Well, I like to make brandy out of pumpkins, so I’d like you to give me a discount on a big batch.”

Me: “Let me get this straight: you’re at a charity pumpkin sale at a church, and you’d like a moonshiner’s discount?”

Customer: *leaves in embarrassed silence*

Thank Heaven For Customer Service

| Houston, TX, USA | Crazy Requests, Religion

(I’m a part-time receptionist at my church and take a phone call.)

Me: “[Church], may I help you?”

Caller: “Hello! Who is the owner of your establishment, and may I speak with him, please?”

Me: “That would be God. May I put you through?”

Caller: *click*

Can’t Sweeten The Deal

, | Orlando, FL, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

(I overhear a conversation in a café:)

Customer: “Hey! I just wanted to add some of your delicious flavored syrups to my coffee.”

Barista: You bought that coffee somewhere else.”

Customer: “Yeah, but you have better flavor syrups.”

Barista: “Well, I guess I can add some to your coffee. It will be 40¢ for each flavor. What would you like?”

Customer: “What? I just want the syrup.”

Barista: “I know but we did buy them, so I have to charge you something.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous! I came here just for your flavored syrup!”

Barista: “Maybe next time you can come here for your coffee and then get whatever you want added to it.”

Customer: “But [Other Coffee Shop] has better coffee!”

Has The Right Stuff But The Wrong Staff

| CA, USA | Theme Of The Month

(I spend a lot of my free time volunteering with my church ministry, and am often around as much as any of the actual paid staff members, so a lot of people start recognizing my face. However, since I am not on staff, I do not know a lot of information about the ongoing activities until they are announced to the public.)

Staff Member: “Hello, everyone. My name is [Staff Member], and I am [staff position] here at [Church]. Here are the announcements for the week…” *lists off announcements* “…and if you have any questions, you can come and talk to any of our staff members.”

Parishioner: *coming up to me* “So, can you tell me more about this announcement?”

Me: “I’m sorry; I don’t know anything more about this than what was said during the announcements. The staff members know more. They are the ones wearing the big name tags.”

Parishioner: “But you always know what is going on! Why can’t you tell me?”

Me: “Thanks, but no, I really don’t know any more about this than you do.”

(One day I get a call that none of the staff members would be around to make the announcements during the coming weekend’s service, and asked me to take care of it. During the next service:)

Me: “Hello, everyone. My name is [My Name], and I am only pretending to be a staff member at [Church]. Here are the announcements for the week…” *lists off announcements* “…and if you have any questions, you can find me afterwards and I will do my best to continue to impersonate a staff member.”

(It takes a couple minutes for everybody to stop laughing. Amazingly enough that was the last week people came up to me to ask me questions!)

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