I’m helping a family with their vehicle rental at Honolulu airport in Hawaii. They’ve just flown in from middle America.

Me: “And it looks like you’re all set! Any other questions I can help you with?”

Customer: “Yeah, this is my first time in a tropical country. Is that sun normal?”

Me: “Ha, yes, it is pretty hot and sunny here all year round.”

Customer: “But it’s 6 PM, and it’s still so high up in the sky! I heard that it’s sunny here, but that’s crazy!”

Me: “Uh, sir, it’s 2 PM.”

Customer: *Points to his analogue wristwatch.* “No, it’s 6 PM, see?”

Me: “Sir, it’s 6 PM in your home state. It’s 2 PM here in Hawaii.”

Customer: “But I thought Hawaii was America?”

Me: “It is, but America is big. It’s in multiple time zones.”

The customer stares at me blankly for a moment.

Customer: “Oh, is this because Hawaii is one of those states that doesn’t do daylight savings?”

Me: “…Yeeeeah, let’s go with that. Have a great time in Hawaii! Aloha!”

Related:
There’s No Daylight Saving Some People
No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 30
No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 29
No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 28
No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 27

Our meat counter has ‘minute’ cutlets, which are thinly sliced pork cutlets that cook rapidly.

Customer: “What kind of animal is a minute?” *Pronounced ‘meen-yute’.”

Me: “Uh… It’s a kind of pig?”

Customer: “Oh, nice. I’ll take half a pound!”

Reading this story reminded me of my own close encounter. I’m behind the counter, chatting with a regular about the upcoming solar eclipse.

Regular: “You don’t actually believe in that crap, do you?”

Me: “You mean the eclipse? Yeah, it’s happening next week.”

Regular: “That ain’t real. Don’t you know if the moon went into the sun, it would melt? That’s why the eclipse can’t be real!”

Me: “[Regular], the moon doesn’t go into the sun. It passes in front of it.”

Regular: *Waves a hand.* “Nah, man. Can’t fool me. The moon would burn up! Just common sense.”

Me: “Yeah, [Regular], you’re right. My bad. NASA just made up the last few billion years of astronomy to prank you personally.”

He shrugs like he’s won the debate, pays for his soda, and strolls out.

Next Customer: “Feeling optimistic about humanity today?”

Me: “Honestly, it feels like we should just aim for the sun for a reset and start again.”

Related:
Total Eclipse Of The Brain, Part 7
Total Eclipse Of The Brain, Part 6
Total Eclipse Of The Brain, Part 5
Total Eclipse Of The Brain, Part 4
Total Eclipse Of The Brain, Part 3

I’m training at a tech support call center. I’m talking to a caller while my trainer sits with me and listens in. I can’t even remember what the technical issue was, but I remembered it simply required the caller to allow the computer to restart and install an update.

Caller: “I do not want my computer to restart! I have things set up the way I like them, and I don’t want to have to do that all over again!”

Me: “Sir, you won’t need to. The computer will remember your setup, you just need to—”

Caller: “—I have a degree! I did computers at school!”

My trainer gives me the signal to transfer the call to him. I tell the caller I will be passing him on to a manager, and the trainer handles the call and gets a technician to come out to him and fix the issue on-site.

After the call, the trainer explains to me why he did that.

Trainer: “As soon as they mention a degree or a PhD, transfer them to a manager. Having a certificate that proves they went to college gives them a level of arrogance you just can’t penetrate at your level. They absolutely can’t ever be wrong about anything because “I have a degree in whatever”.”

Me: “And the manager can tell them otherwise?”

Trainer: “H*** no, but the manager will send a technician over to their house, who will then apply the simple fix, in this case simply turning it off and on again, and prove them wrong with actions, not words… oh, and a very nice call-out fee.”

Me: “Haha, okay. I’ll remember that.”

Trainer: “I was that guy who got sent out to these idiots’ houses once.”

Me: “Oh, so that’s how you know.”

Trainer: “I remember seeing this guy’s computer in his office. The wall is full of his framed diplomas, because they always are, and all I had to do to fix his issue was allow the d*** computer to finish a software update that the guy had been ignoring all week. The look on his face when I said his diploma wall was cute, and then walked out of there inside of ten minutes was one of the highlights of my career…”

I see a coworker in the office. It’s been a few months since we spoke properly.

Coworker: “How’ve you been?”

Me: “Good! A bit jet-lagged as I just got back from the big conference.”

Coworker: “The one in China? You went to that?”

Me: “Yeah, it was great!”

Coworker: “Did you visit the Chinatown?”

Me: “Ha ha, very funny.”

Coworker: “They must have some amazing Chinatowns there.”

I realize she is being serious.

Me: “Yeah, it was huge! Like, the whole country!”

Coworker: “Woooow.”