Caller: “I’m calling to confirm my appointment.

Me: “Your appointment is scheduled for 1:15 pm on Sunday.”

Caller: “Sunday? Isn’t that daylight savings day?”

Me: “I believe so. We will see you at 1:15 on Sunday.”

Caller: “So I have to come in an hour early because of daylight savings, right?”

Me: “You don’t need to come in until 1:15.”

Caller: “But because of daylight savings, I’ll be late if I show up at 1:15, even though that’s my scheduled time, right?”

Me: “How about I move your appointment to 2:15, and then you just show up at 1:15 and you’ll be on time?”

Caller: “That’s great! Thank you for being so accommodating!”

A pleasant lady walked into the bike store I work at:

Customer: “Can you help me take my daughter’s bike out of the car? It isn’t riding as well as it had been when I got it.”

I stride over to her minivan and lug out a beautiful, spotless blue Bianchi. It looked like it had been ridden maybe twice. I start testing parts of the bike:

Me: “Hmm, brakes are snappy. The chain has zero rust and zero stretch. This bike is basically good as new.”

Then I look down.

Me: “Oh! There’s the issue. The tires are empty. When did you or your daughter fill them last?”

Customer: “You have to fill them?”

Me: “Uh… yes. Just like car tires.”

Customer: “Wait, car tires are filled too? Filled with what?”

Me: “Air.”

Customer: “But there’s so much air outside! Why can’t it just, like, seep into the tire?”

Me: “Here, lemme pump these up for you…”

It was quicker and easier to pump them up instead of explaining why tires need air. I casually glanced at the tires to her minivan too, just to make sure…

A customer in line at the post office starts complaining the moment she steps up to the counter:

Customer: “Why are you catering to all the foreigners and immigrants?!”

Me: “I don’t understand, ma’am. This is a post office.”

Customer: “And all your signs are in every language!”

Me: “The languages are in English, Spanish, Chinese, Korean, and Vietnamese.”

Customer: “Exactly! You’re catering to them!”

Me: “Ma’am, I might be wrong, but based on your accent, you sound like an immigrant yourself.”

Customer: *Scoffs.* “I married an American! That’s different!”

Me: *Sigh.* “Was there anything you needed from the post office today, ma’am?”

Customer: *Without the slightest hint of self-awareness.* “I need to send these forms to the Immigration Service ASAP! I forgot to do them, and my visa expires soon!”

Customer: “Could I get, like, a Gibson?”

Me: “Sure thing.”

Customer: “But I want that with olives instead of cocktail onions.”

Me: “Dude, that’s called a martini.”

Customer: “Yeah, but I don’t like martinis. I like Gibsons with olives.”

Me: “…you’re the boss.”

I make him his ‘Gibson with olives’.

Customer: *Takes a sip.* “Now that is a good Gibson!”

Coworker: “Did Hitler have a last name, or was it just one name, like Madonna?”

Me: “Just the one name. Like Obama.”

Coworker: “Ah, okay. Is that like a world leader thing?”