I work in a healthcare call center.

Caller: “I need to know my medical results.”

Me: “May I please have your name, date of birth, and your policy number or address?”

Caller: “Ooooh! I have all that ready to go! I know you need all that because otherwise it would be a hippo violation, right?”

Me: “That’s… right. Thank you for being prepared.”

Caller: “My name is [Full Name], I was born on [Date of birth], and my policy number is [Number]. I pass the hippo test now, right?”

Me: “That’s right! Thank you!”

The caller got their medical results, and the hungry, hungry hippos remained satisfied.

Customer: “I want one kilo of [sausages] for a party.”

Me: “Certainly, madam!”

Now, one kilogram of sausages is a little too much to bag and wrap in a single sheet of paper, so I divided the kilo into halves (500 grams each) and wrapped them separately.

I handed her the two neatly wrapped parcels.

Customer: “What the h*** are you doing?!”

Me: “Your kilogram of sausages, madam.”

Customer: “Why have you given me two?!”

Me: “I just wrapped it in two 500-gram parts.”

Customer: “But then that makes two kilos, and I only wanted one!”

Me: “Madam, 500 grams plus 500 grams makes a thousand grams, or one kilogram.”

Customer: “No. One kilogram is one kilogram. One. You’ve given me two.”

Me: “Madam, each one is half a kilogram.”

Customer: “There’s no such thing as half a kilogram. A kilogram is a kilogram! You can’t divide it smaller!”

Me: “Madam, ‘kilo’ literally means it’s made of a thousand smaller parts.”

Customer: “Well, I only wanted one, not two!”

Me: *Looking at a line forming.* “How about I give you this one kilo.” *I hold up a 500-gram bag.* “And I give you this extra kilo for free, for making a mistake?” *I hold up the other 500-gram bag.*

Customer: “Fine. Don’t do it again!”

Customer: *Holding up their glass of soda.* “Excuse me, but this is Pepsi, and I ordered a Coke!”

Me: “That is a Coke, sir.”

Customer: “Don’t lie to me, boy! This is a Pepsi!”

Me: “Sir, we don’t even carry any Pepsi products.”

I point to the huge fridge with a Coca-Cola label on it, with only Coca-Cola products stored inside.

Customer: “Don’t question my ability to taste the difference, boy!”

Me: “Stop calling me boy, and maybe you should be the one questioning your ability, as that is 100% a Coke.”

Customer: “Get your manager out here!”

I explained the situation to the manager.

Manager: “We only sell Coke products, sir. There’s no way that’s a Pepsi.”

Customer: “It’s a Pepsi! Why are you gaslighting me!? Why are you all lying to me?!”

My manager goes to the fridge and picks up a can of Coke. He hands it to the customer along with a fresh glass of ice.

Manager: “Here’s your Coke, sir. Allow me to take that other one away.”

My manager does so and walks away from the table with me.

Manager: *To me.* “The moment they start using the buzzwords they learned from whatever political podcast they’re listening to lately, you know they’re not worth trying to convince. If they ever start complaining about ‘gaslighting’, ‘woke’, and ‘DEI’, just come and get me.

Me: “Hello… [My usual greeting].”

Customer: “Yes, I have a question.”

Me: “Alright, what can I help you with?”

Customer: “How many nuggets can I get in the eight-count nugget meal?”

Long silence.

Me: “So that’s an eight-count nugget meal?”

Customer: “Yup.”

Related:
Missing Important Nuggets Of Information

The register is going very slowly today. An older customer is paying with cash, and it ends up being quicker to calculate his change using my calculator instead of waiting for the register to catch up.

Customer: “Ugh! You kids are too reliant on technology to do anything!”

Me: “Just trying to provide a speedy service, sir.”

Customer: “What?! Oh, wait, my hearing aids are turned off.” *Presses something on his hearing aids.* “What did you say?!”

Me: “…I said your change is $4.47, sir!”