We’re in the middle of a rush. It’s my first week working, and it’s honestly kinda insane how busy fast-food places get at lunchtime.

Customer: “I’ll get the strawberry milkshake please!”

Me: “Would you like whip on top of that?”

Customer: “No thanks, I’m lactose intolerant.”

I open my mouth about to say something, when my coworker, working the register next to me, blurts out:

Coworker: “Sure thing, ma’am! That’s [price]!”

He reaches over, presses the appropriate button for the strawberry milkshake, glares at me, and then moves on with his next customer. The lady happily pays and eventually walks away with her milkshake… made with milk.

Later, my coworker says:

Coworker: “We’re too busy to explain to customers their own stupidity, and the only thing that would have happened is you causing her to become defensive and have an argument in the middle of a lunch rush. Put in what they order and move on.”

Our pizza place had a deal going on where you could get a two-topping pizza for five dollars; of course, some toppings were exempt.

Customer: “I’d like the five-dollar pizza with Philly steak and bell peppers.”

Me: “I’m sorry, the Philly steak isn’t part of the deal. It would cost you an extra dollar.”

Customer: “No, no, how about spinach and Philly steak?”

Me: “It will cost a dollar extra if you want Philly steak.”

Customer: “Okay, how about onions and Philly steak?”

Me: “Sir… I’m afraid we’re out of Philly steak.”

That worked!

I don’t like tomato, so I always get my pasta with cream and cheese sauces, pesto, or just olive oil, whatever, just no tomatoes.

Me: “Can I get the carbonara, please?”

Waiter: “We’re doing a special on the Amatriciana tonight. That’s basically like a carbonara but more of a marinara.”

Me: “No, thank you, I’m not into tomatoes.”

Waiter: “It’s not tomatoes, it’s marinara.”

Me: “Uh, yeah. There’s… tomato in marinara.”

Waiter: “There’s no such thing as a marinara tomato.”

Me: “Yes, but tomato is a major ingredient inside a marinara.”

Waiter: “No, it isn’t.”

Me: “Look, I just don’t like red foods. Can you respect that?”

Waiter: “Oh! You’re autistic! Why didn’t you just say so!”

A waiter in an Italian restaurant who didn’t know basic Italian cooking? Good thing I didn’t have any allergies! Suffice it to say, I did not eat there again…

An older couple is looking through their medical paperwork in the waiting room.

Husband: “Oh, look, our doctor is from Maryland, like you!”

Wife: “He is? How do you know?”

Husband: “Look, there! It says [Doctor’s Name], MD.”

Wife: “Dear…”

Husband: *Wide-eyed and happy.* “Yes, dear?”

Wife: “…never mind.”

My parents are looking online for vacation destinations. My dad travels a lot within the US and Canada and has built up a lot of air miles. Both my parents barely travel outside of North America.

Dad: “Oh, look, they have direct flights to Rio.”

Mom: “No, not Rio. [Friend] from the office went there and showed me pictures. It looks all Mexican.”

Me: “Brazilian.”

Mom: “What?”

Me: “Rio is in Brazil.”

Mom: “Is it south of the border?”

Me: “It’s south of the continent. It’s in South America.”

Mom: “Exactly. That’s Mexico. I don’t want any Mexican countries where they speak Mexican.”

I chose my battles and left it alone. I did, however, manage to convince my dad to choose the direct flight to Madrid for their vacation. I can’t wait to hear all about it!