Peanut Bitter

| ME, USA | Food & Drink, Wild & Unruly

(I work for a small chocolate shop that has a big table full of assorted truffle flavors where customers can make their own mixed bag. Recently, a new rule was passed so that we have to keep the peanut butter truffles behind the counter, so that people who are allergic don’t accidentally add them to their bag. We have a sign on the table that has a picture of a peanut butter truffle, and big words telling people to ask an associate for peanut butter. Still, people tend to miss the sign, so before they check out I usually ask if they wanted peanut butter added to their bag.)

Woman: *checking out* “I should have enough there.”

Me: “Yep, it looks like you’ve reached a pound. Before I seal the bag, do you want me to add any peanut butter truffles to your assortment?”

Woman: “I already got peanut butter.”

Me: “Actually we keep them back here, so you wouldn’t have gotten any yet.”

Woman: *pointing to the sign on the table, which happens to be right next to the bin of citrus flavored truffles* “I already got some right there!”

Me: “Oh. No, those ones are citrus. The sign is just there to—”

Woman: “Look, I already got peanut butter! They’re my favorite ones, I know what they look like, and I already GOT them!”

Me: “Very well…”

Woman: “I KNOW WHAT I GOT.”

Me: “Okay, then, your total today is $15.35…”

(I wish I could have been there when she popped the first “peanut butter” citrus truffle into her mouth when she got home.)

Giraffe’s Are The Sweetest Animal

| Chicago, IL, USA | Bizarre, Food & Drink, Pets & Animals

(My family owns a specialty chocolate shop that’s known for doing molded chocolate figures of animals and sports equipment. I’ve been working here since I was old enough to see over the counter. It’s been slow and I’m the only employee here.)

Customer: *walking in* “Hi. I was wondering if you have any more chocolate-covered giraffes?”

Me: “…Chocolate covered? No. We do have chocolate giraffes…”

Customer: “So you have chocolate-covered giraffes!”

Me: “Um, no. We have solid chocolate giraffes.”

Customer: “Yeah! So you have chocolate-covered giraffes!”

Me: “No, sir, we don’t. I’m not going to go to Lincoln Park Zoo and get you a giraffe and pour chocolate over it.”

Customer: “But you just said you have chocolate-covered giraffes.”

Me: “Chocolate giraffes! We do not carry chocolate-covered giraffes! I’m pretty sure that’s illegal…”

Customer: “But I don’t get why you don’t have chocolate-covered giraffes! You should have chocolate-covered giraffes…”

Me: “SIR! We don’t have any chocolate-covered giraffes! What we have are lots of very small, three-inch giraffe figures that are molded out of chocolate!”

Customer: “Oh! …How is that different from what I said?”

Revenge Is A Treat Best Served Sweet

| London, UK | At The Checkout, Food & Drink

(I work in an awkwardly-sized shop where the chocolate counter is at one end of the shop, with the till at the other. This tends to result in customers waiting needlessly at the chocolate counter. This occurs during on a particularly busy time.)

Me: “Sorry about the wait, sir. Would you just like to follow me to the till and I’ll just put your transaction though?”

Customer: “I’ve been waiting bloody ages! This happens every year! You shop assistants are useless!”

Me: “Sorry, sir. It’s just the shop is awkwardly shaped, so it’s difficult to keep track of people waiting—”

Customer: *hands over his card* “I’m a business man, and it’s not the shop. It’s you! You’re just useless!”

Me: “Once again, I apologise for the wait. It’s difficult to keep tabs on everyone—”

Customer: “If you would do your job properly, it wouldn’t happen! Every bloody year, it’s the same!”

Me: “Sir—”

Customer: “If you make one more excuse, I’ll leave without buying anything!”

(Note: I’ve already put his purchase though and I’m just trying to hand him his card and receipts.)

Me: “Okay, I—”

Customer: “That’s it! I’ve had enough! I’m leaving!”

(The customer angrily storms out of shop. Five minutes later, he returns, albeit much calmer.)

Customer: *sheepish* “I…er…left my card.”

Me: “Don’t forget your chocolates, sir! Have a lovely day!”

Willy Wonka Goes Bonkas

| Uncategorized

(Our shop has a chocolate fountain which we fill up daily, to attract customers who can buy marshmallows to dip into it.)

Customer: “So, where does the chocolate come from?”

Me: “… sorry?”

Customer: “The chocolate for the fountain thing. Where does it come from?”

Me: “Well, we melt some chocolate, then fill–”

Customer: “No, where does it COME from? Like the water pipes or something?”

Me: “No we melt our own–”

Customer: “Don’t lie to me! I know you got a chocolate pipe plugged into that thing! How do you get one!? Where is your manager?”

(After failing to convince them, the customer leaves angrily. It’s now a running joke in our shop to call the “National Chocolate System” whenever there is a problem.)

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