I’m on the phone with a financial officer talking about money.
Me: *Shouting to the background* “No barking while I’m on the phone!“
Loan Officer: “Oh, I know how it is. My cat’s the same way.“
Me: “I don’t even have any pets. That’s my kid.“
My family is super close with our neighbors, so when they went away, it made perfect sense that they asked some of my siblings to take care of their pets. When they returned, one of their kids brought over some money to pay my siblings for their care. I answered the door, so I got the privilege of handing out the cash.
As I handed a bill each to two of my sisters, they looked at me in shock.
Ten-Year-Old: “Wait. We get paid?”
[Nine-Year-Old] said, in the tone of someone who had just won the lottery:
Nine-Year-Old: “FIVE DOLLARS?!”
I have a four-year-old son who I co-parent with my ex. I pick him up from his mother’s house and decide mini golf would be a fun activity for us and my girlfriend to do.
Ex: “Are you sure mini golf is a good activity? I’m concerned [Son] might hurt himself, you, or [Girlfriend] swinging that putter around.”
Me: “It will be okay. I’ll be sure to tell him not to swing hard, and I’ll carry the putter to each hole.”
We get to the course and [Son] is excited to see the obstacles. He listens to me perfectly until we get to the fourth hole, which is dinosaur themed.
Son: “T-REX!”
I put his ball down, hand him his putter, and step to the side. He then screams a little battle cry and swings back as far as he can, and before I can stop him, he hits the ball, which ricochets off the T-Rex and hits me in the side of my head near my eye.
[Girlfriend] and I decide it’s best to take [Son] back to his mom while I recover from a possible concussion. [Girlfriend] drives us while letting out little giggles. We both walk [Son] to the door. [Ex] sees the large bruise on my face.
Ex: “Are you okay?”
Me: “I’ll be fine. I’ll see what my doctor has to say and go from there.”
Ex: “You know, it has been a long time since I’ve said this to you…”
I think she’s going to say something reassuring.
Ex: “I told you so.”
[Girlfriend] collapsed to the ground with laughter, and I grimaced, knowing [Ex] was right.
My sister, her kid, my brother, and I all live together. We recently moved to a place where there are lots of tornadoes. The siren goes off one night and my sister goes mad.
Sister: “Oh, my God, run for shelter!”
Our house doesn’t have a basement, so we run into the bathroom. [Sister] grabs her kid and runs into our bathroom.
Me: “Go to your bathroom! There’s not enough room!”
Sister: “I don’t feel safe in there.”
Me: “So, [Brother] and I are just going to get sucked up?!”
Sister: “Obviously! Women and children first!”
She wouldn’t move, so we just ran into a closet. Seven tornadoes hit our town, but luckily, we didn’t get sucked up.
Our community centre is having a “community garage sale”, so for $10, you get a table to sell whatever you want. I pay for a table so my six-year-old son can get rid of a lot of his old toys and keep the cash — win-win!
He has a ton of free toys from fast-food kids’ meals, and he starts selling them for fifty cents each. As the afternoon wears on and the good ones are all gone, he lowers the price to twenty cents.
A woman, who came by two hours ago and bought two toys, comes back.
Woman: “Refund these now, so that I can buy them back at the lower price.”
Me: “All the money was going to the kid. He’s trying to get rid of the last few that nobody wants.”
Of course, she starts yelling. My son says to me:
Son: “Dad, I’ll just give her the toys for free.”
The woman looks smugly triumphant.
Me: “Yup, lady, you won. You got a pair of free [Fast Food Place] toys from a six-year-old by being a class-A a**hat.”
