Screaming Until You’re Blue In The Face

, , , , , | Related | August 2, 2017

(My husband and I are first time parents, and we’ve had our baby son home for less than a month, so we are still getting used to parenting. My son is sleeping peacefully in my husband’s arms when suddenly he wakes up and just starts screaming!)

Me: “What’s wrong with the baby?!”

Husband: “I don’t know. He just started screaming for no reason!”

(I start to cross the room to check on the baby when…)

Husband: “Oh, that’s why… He’s blue.”

Me: “WHAT?! Is he okay?! Why is he blue?!”

(I start freaking out and I can’t figure out why my husband isn’t freaking out, more than that, he’s laughing at me!)

Husband: *he says through uncontrollable laughter* “The diaper… The diaper is blue. The line that indicates the diaper is wet.. It’s blue.”

Me: “Phrasing, honey…”

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Weeping Angels Got Nothing On Me

, , , , , | Related | August 1, 2017

I was about twelve when this story happened, back in the late ’90s. A bunch of the family all get together at Grandma’s house for Independence Day weekend, and, as is typical of large family gatherings, one of the elders — on that day it is Auntie M — has to play babysitter and make sure the younger generation doesn’t all kill each other.

Since this is the era before video games could be played on cell phones, we need some way to entertain ourselves while we are waiting for food, and eventually settle on a few rounds of “Ghosts in the Graveyard,” with Auntie M in the role of Gravekeeper. For those who don’t know, the goal is to remain perfectly still while the Gravekeeper is watching, but go somewhere else and take a different pose when they aren’t.

After making it to the end of two or three rounds in a row without getting caught, I start getting a bit more bold, and decide that the game needs to be a bit more challenging. So in the middle of the next round, while Auntie’s back is turned, I summon up everything my preteen mind knows about stealth, carefully sneak up behind her, and silently and suddenly place my fingers on her back, posed as though attacking her with claws.

Auntie jumped about a foot in the air, leaving me plenty of time to hold that pose before she turned around. ALL the other kids were doubled over laughing. She seemed to take the whole thing in stride as she declared me the winner of that round… but looking back on it, I think there was a reason that was the last time we played that game.

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Jokes That Bring Out The Cry-Babies

, , | Friendly | August 1, 2017

(I cook a lot. I also have a fairly dark sense of humor. This conversation happens on Facebook messenger.)

Me: “When talking to a friend about her baby and she tells me how much he weighs now. That’s twice the size of the pork butt I bought this morning!””

Friend: “Haha!”

Me: “Seriously, her kid is now 14 lbs, and the pork I bought was 7.5.”

Me: “I’m gonna have to cut it in half or thirds because the d*** thing won’t fit in my crock pot!”

Me: “The pork butt, not the baby.”

Friend: “Goodness!”

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Cooking Up A Compliment

, , , | Friendly | July 31, 2017

(My little sister is having a summer sleepover for all of her friends. I decided to go all out and make them some chicken fajitas and tons of homemade snacks for the sleepover. Sometime around midnight while the others are picking out a movie to watch, one of them comes downstairs to see if they can bring some up to her room.)

Me: “Sure, just make sure if anything gets spilled that you all clean it up.”

Girl: “I like having sleepovers at your house instead of at mine.”

Me: “Because I let you all eat in her room?”

Girl: “Because my mom doesn’t know how to cook.”

(I guess it’s a compliment on my cooking, but considering this particular girl comes over frequently enough to consider our house a second residence, I’m kind of curious how bad her mother cooks…)

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Mr. Reaper And His Kids

, , , , | Friendly | July 30, 2017

(My husband is very tall, thin, and pale, and has some heavy scarring on his face from a car accident. He is also pretty quiet and naturally has a stern-looking face, and usually wears dark clothes with long sleeves to cover more scars on his arms. People are often intimidated by him, but he is actually very sweet and a little bit shy. One of my coworkers has young daughters about the same age as our sons, so we set up some playdates. My husband loves children and spends a lot of time playing with the kids. My coworker relays this story about her daughter to me a few weeks later, after Halloween.)

Daughter’s Classmate: “If you go out alone on Halloween, the Grim Reaper will catch you and chop off your head!”

Daughter: “No, he won’t! I’ve met the Grim Reaper. He’s really nice!”

Daughter’s Classmate: “No way! How?”

Daughter: *proudly* “My mom knows his husband. I play with their kids all the time.”

(My coworker said that she explained that my husband is NOT the Grim Reaper, after she stopped laughing.)

This story is part of our Creepy Kids roundup!

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