About To Get A Fist For A Dollar

, , , , , | Right | November 15, 2010

Me: “Your total comes to $2.15.”

Child Customer: “Okay.”

(He slides his card, touches the keypad and reaches for his things.)

Me: “Hun, you paid through gift card and there wasn’t enough to cover it all. You’re short 46 cents.”

Child Customer: “Oh, um… can you just remove something?”

Me: “I can’t cancel a transaction in the middle of it.”

Child Customer: “Well, I don’t want the drink no more.”

Me: “Look, I’ll cover the rest but next time just make sure you know how much is on your card or ask us to check beforehand.”

(I go through my pocket and pull out a dollar to cover the change after not being able to find enough change to cover the rest. I finish cashing it out and notice the kid’s still there, hand held out and ready to receive change back.)

1 Thumbs
3,640

A Large Can Of Whoop-A** And A Side Of Just Desserts

, , , | Right | November 11, 2010

(Around my restaurant area a lot of kids hang out, most of whom are the unfavorable type. This day in particular, one of them decides to open the door and swear at everyone inside.)

Kid: “All of you are f***ing b****es!”

(We ignore it and try to continue work as if nothing happened.)

Kid: “F*** you, f***ing pigs!”

(We ignore it again and this repeats for another two times. I am getting very annoyed.)

Kid: “Girls should stay in the kitchen!”

Me: “Hey, stop that or I’ll call security.”

Kid: *looks at me up and down* “Whatever! I bet you want to do me, don’t you?”

(The kid continues to talk dirty and make gestures to me, so I cut it off there.)

Me: “Get out of here before I start breaking your legs.”

(The kid looks shocked, probably because he didn’t expect anyone to snap back at him. He runs away. My co-worker, boss, and everyone else in the restaurant applaud and we get back into business. About 20 minutes later, the kid comes back with his mother.)

Mother: “Look, my son told me you threatened to break his legs! I’m reporting you to the police!”

Me: “Did he also tell you he was harassing us?”

Mother: “He told me he was talking to people when you–” *pushes index finger into my chest* “–threatened to break his legs!”

Me: “I can tell you, now, ma’am. He was harassing me and the customers.”

Mother: “Lies! I’ll charge you for threatening a child!”

Me: “Yes, then I’ll sue him for harassment, sexual harassment, and disturbing the peace.”

(The mother looks at the kid with horror on her face but doesn’t give up just yet.)

Mother: “You have no proof my son did that! I’ll charge you for psychological damages!”

Me: “I have plenty of proof on our cameras.” *I point to camera in the back corner, and then to the one at the front* “I also have a room full of witnesses who can give testimony on what he said and did.”

Mother: *stands on her spot stunned*

Me: “So, do you want your can of whoop-a** here, or shall I serve it to you in court?”

1 Thumbs
9,852

The Great Emancipator Died Sooner Than Later

, , , , , | Right | November 1, 2010

(I work at a historic site from the American Civil War. I am talking to a seven-year-old child.)

Small Child: “Who shot President Lincoln?”

Me: “He was shot by a Southern sympathizer named John Wilkes Booth.”

Small Child: “But why did he want to kill the president?”

Me: “Well, the North and the South were at war, and Booth thought that if he killed President Lincoln, it might help the South win.”

Small Child: “Oh… So, were you here when it happened?”

1 Thumbs
1,633

Mall Brats

, , , | Right | October 26, 2010

(My theatre group does a play at an amusement park. We often walk around the park in costume to tell visitors about the play. Note that the play was about two “bad guys” who wanted to cut all the trees to build a large shopping mall in the forest.)

Me: “Did you see those two guys? They want to build a mall here. I don’t know what that is, but it sounds bad!”

Little Girl: “You really don’t know what a mall is?”

Me: “No, I just live here in the forest.”

Little Girl: *with piercing eyes* “Really. I mean in real life.”

Me: “I really live here!”

Little Girl: “No, I mean when you’re in your normal clothes.”

Me: *giving up* “Okay, in real life I know what a mall is.”

Little Girl: *looks satisfied* “I knew it!”

1 Thumbs
2,863

Freudian (Pay) Slip

, , , , , | Right | October 18, 2010

(I am ringing up a mother and her son.)

Me: “All right, ma’am, your total is [total].”

Son: “Wow, that is so much money! You’re taking all my momma’s money!”

Me: “Actually, your mother is paying for the items that she just purchased, and I’m not the one who gets the money, anyway.”

Son: “Do you think I’m dumb? You get all the money; why else would you be here?”

Me: “The money that is paid here is made by the company. I’m here because the company pays me to check out customers.”

Son: “That’s stupid. You should get to keep the money.”

(As I’m about to respond, the mother chimes in.)

Mother: “Just ignore him. He’s stupid.”

1 Thumbs
3,198