Just Blew In From The Windy City

, , , , | Right | February 24, 2011

(It is an extremely windy day so we have to keep the double doors closed. A customer and her nine-year-old daughter walks up to the doors, and walks away. They don’t go very far. A coworker goes outside to start cleaning tables.)

Customer: “Excuse me, are you open?”

Coworker: “Yes, we are.”

Customer: “But I stood in front of the doors and they didn’t open.”

Coworker: “No, ma’am. You have to push them.”

(The customer and her daughter opens the door and walks in. The daughter goes off to the bathroom. We are an old west themed restaurant, so everything, even the toilet door signs, are changed to suit. The daughter comes back a few seconds later.)

Customer: “What’s wrong, honey? Couldn’t you find them?”

Daughter: “I’m not sure if I’m a cowboy or a cowgirl.”

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Tripped Up

, , , , | Right | January 31, 2011

(One of the kids at my martial arts camp has gotten so bad that I have to call his mother.)

Me: “Ma’am, your son has not been paying attention during training, and is disrupting the other kids.”

Mother: “Well, maybe my son needs a male influence instead of a little girl!”

Me: “The kids are arranged according to proficiency level. We can’t move him.”

Mother: “That’s funny… You say you can’t control him, but you can threaten to throw him down a flight of stairs easily enough!”

Me: “Who told you I threatened to throw him down a flight of stairs?”

Mother: “He did! He said you threatened to throw him down the stairs!”

Me: “Ma’am, this is a one-story building.”

(Brief pause.)

Mother: “I will talk to him tonight.”

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So Mummy Can Have Birds Without The Bees

, , | Right | January 30, 2011

(I am a customer in line at a pharmacy. A mother and her two young boys are ahead of me. One of the young boys is sitting on the floor pointing at random medicines.)

Boy: “Mummy, what’s that for?”

Mother: “That’s for an itchy head.”

Boy: “Mummy, what’s that for?”

Mother: “That’s for when you can’t sleep.”

(The boy then points at the pregnancy tests.)

Boy: “Mummy, what’s that for?”

Mother: “That’s to see if you have a baby growing inside of you!”

(The boy then stands up and gets back in line with his mother.)

Mother: *to me and the pharmacist* “Thank god he didn’t point at the condoms!”

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Church At The Checkout

, , , , | Right | January 27, 2011

(A customer and her young daughter come up to my register.)

Me: “Hi there! How are you going?”

Mother: “I’m good, thanks!”

(Her daughter spots the sponge we use to make the bags easier to open.)

Daughter: “It’s the sponge! The sponge of baptism!”

Me: *speechless*

Daughter: “The sponge of baptism!” *places finger on sponge and wipes her forehead*

Mother: “We’re not even religious…”

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It’s Late When It’s Son-Down

, , , , | Right | January 25, 2011

(A woman and her pre-teen son approach the counter.)

Son: “I want both of these movies!”

Mother: “We will have to see. I don’t have a lot of cash and we might have late fees.”

Son: “God! Mom, you are so dumb! I can’t believe you forgot to take back the d*** movies!”

Me: *to mother* “If your late fees are too much, we will also accept your firstborn in payment.”

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