Last Time In Daddy Day Care

, , , , , | Related | September 13, 2017

(My wife and I went shopping together in a local store with our two little girls, who are about one and three years of age. The oldest is sitting in the shopping cart, facing my wife, and the youngest is in a carrier in the basket. Suddenly, the oldest reaches up and grabs my wife’s breasts.)

Wife: “[Daughter]! Why did you do that?”

Daughter: “Daddy does it!”

Me: *laughing as my wife hits me* “So much for not being caught!”

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Pray They Were Talking About Filing

, , , , , | Related | September 8, 2017

(I am sitting in the waiting room of my local GP, where a mother and her son have arrived for their appointment.)

Receptionist: “Miss [Name], I think [Son] needs the toilet.”

Mother: “No, he does that when he’s getting ready. That’s his potty dance.”

Receptionist: “Sorry, but I think he’s trying to tell you he really needs to go.”

Mother: “I’m his mother. I know my son better than anyone. He’ll be ready in a couple of minutes. I’ll take him after his dance.”

(The receptionist protested again, and the mother threatened to complain about her. The boy stopped dancing around a few minutes later, and it looked like he was in a lot of pain. Just as his mother was about to take him to the toilet, the doctor called them in and she decided to force her son to wait again. He could barely move and we were all a bit worried. I was called in to see my doctor next. By the time I left, there were police officers in the building, and I could hear hysterical screaming coming from one of the rooms. As I walked by, I heard one of the receptionists saying, “Imagine using a paperclip to keep it shut.”)

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Nazis Should Be On Everyone’s S***-List

, , , , | Related | September 7, 2017

(I’m driving my nine-year-old daughter. My daughter asks me to play the soundtrack quiz game. She hasn’t seen many of the movies in the game, she only knows the music. English isn’t our first language.)

Me: *hums the theme from “Schindler’s List”*

Daughter: “I KNOW THAT ONE! S***-LIST!”

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In A Jungle Jumble

, , , , , | Related | September 5, 2017

I have very light skin and come from a not very diverse area. My first exposure to people with darker skin tones was when I saw Mowgli in The Jungle Book.

When I was about three-and-a-half years old, I was at the store with my father and, to my amazement, I saw a black man. I immediately asked my dad, loud enough that everyone could hear, “IS HE FROM THE JUNGLE?!”

My dad apologized to the man and hurried out of the store, leaving his cart full of items behind.  

I got a huge lecture in the car, and my father did his shopping elsewhere for a few months. My dad will never let me live this down.

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Your Child Will Die Trying

, , , , | Right | September 5, 2017

(I work on a roller coaster where the height requirement is 48″. If we think a guest is under the height requirement, they can’t ride. This particular day, I notice a little girl in high platform sandals is boarding. I approach her and her father.)

Me: “Sorry for the inconvenience, but do you mind if we check your daughter’s height?”

Guest: “Sure, but I paid for an adult ticket.”

(I take the little girl to the height scale and have her remove her shoes. I measure her barefoot, and she’s way too short.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but it doesn’t look like she’s tall enough to ride. If you want to stay on, she can wait in the kiddie corral—”

Guest: “She’s tall enough! You can’t make her take her shoes off!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. That’s the company policy.”

Guest: “Measure her again! She’s tall enough! I paid for an adult ticket!”

(At this point, my supervisor comes over.)

Supervisor: “Sir, the height scale showed that she isn’t tall enough to ride. For her safety, she has to be 48 inches.”

Guest: “Your f****** employee made her take her shoes off! That’s not fair! I paid for an ADULT TICKET!”

Supervisor: “Sir, the tickets are based on age and not height. If you continue to cause a scene, we’ll have to call security.”

Guest: “F*** THIS RIDE! C’mon, honey, let’s go ride the Banshee!”

(The Banshee has a height requirement of 54″. The guest stormed off screaming about an adult ticket.)

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