April Is A Nice Name

, , , , , | Healthy | April 1, 2020

It is April Fool’s Day. I go into the hospital for a scheduled cesarean for my third child. Thanks to both a blood test and an ultrasound, we know we’re having a boy. The surgery starts, and it doesn’t go as expected.

Doctor: “Oh, wow, look at that!”

Surgical Tech: “Oh, my gosh.”

Me: “What?”

Doctor: “Okay, it’s a girl.”

Me & Husband: “What?”

Husband: “Did you say, ‘girl’?”

I just started laughing. And that’s how our daughter entered the world — by conning us into thinking she was going to be a boy, and revealing her true nature on April Fools Day. Well played, baby. Well played.

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Pick A Better Habit Or It’s Your Loss

, , , , , , , | Friendly | March 28, 2020

(When my nephew is little he picks his nose until it bleeds CONSTANTLY. Nothing we nor the doctor do will stop him. Even painting his nails with medicine the doctor recommends barely helps.

One year, when he is still in this stage, my parents and I take him to the Fred Hall Sportsman Show. It’s an annual California show for people who fish, hunt, hike, and generally love the outdoors.

We’re passing a booth run by an older man who sees my nephew with his finger back up his nose despite us telling him to stop. The man walks up to my nephew holding out his right hand, revealing that his index and middle finger have been amputated at the knuckle.)

Man: “Do you know how I lost these? By picking my nose.”

(My nephew instantly took his finger out of his nose and never put it back up there. He still talks about that now that he’s in his early thirties, laughing about it. Thank you, sir, for getting him to stop picking his nose. Now, we just need to find another man with amputated fingers to talk to my great-nephew. No, not my nephew’s son — his sister’s.)

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Worse Things Have Happened To Younglings… 

, , , , , , | Friendly | March 27, 2020

(My father’s friend is hosting a Christmas dinner at their place. As the adults start drinking in the dining room, most of the kids all run up to the TV, but I decide to accompany our host’s younger son, who is around nine. He takes me to his room and wants to play.)

Son: “Let’s fight!”

(He takes out a drawer filled with toy weapons.)

Me: “Sure, but I’ll just use this.”

(I pull out my younger brother’s toy lightsaber.)

Son: “Okay, but you’re gonna lose.”

(He equips a Nerf gun and his own toy lightsaber. We stand at opposite sides of the room.)

Son: “Go!”

(He then fires his Nerf gun at me, but I block the bullet with my lightsaber, stride forward, and knock both of his weapons aside with the lightsaber before tapping him lightly on the neck)

Me: “You’ve been decapitated.”

Son: “What? How did you do that?

Me: “The people in my fencing class can stab faster than a Nerf bullet.”

Son: “Cool! You’re a Jedi!”

Me: *deepens voice* “May the Force be with you, youngling.”

(I was telling the truth; my fencing classmates are fast. But I was actually watching the barrel of his gun and angling my lightsaber to be directly in front of it. Don’t tell him that, though. I have the reputation of a Jedi to maintain.)

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To Top It All Off, She’s Angry With You

, , , , , , | Right | March 24, 2020

(I work in a self-serve ice cream store. The machines and toppings are all out front so customers can help themselves without our assistance. Your price is determined by the weight of what is in your bowl, not by separate ingredients. One of our most popular toppings are huge hazelnut pirouline sticks. This is a story told to me by my manager and my assistant manager. My assistant manager has just finished serving a mother and her two daughters, who look to be about seven and ten. She waits to see that they are seated and do not need anything else and then goes to the back to cut up strawberries. No sooner than five seconds after she gets back there, my manager comes bolting out of the office, yelling:)

Manager: “They’re stealing toppings! They’re stealing toppings!”

(My assistant manager follows her out to the front, where they are greeted by the girls standing right near the jar of hazelnut sticks. They are each clutching one. Their mom is busy texting.)

Manager: “Girls, stealing is very wrong.”

(The girls say nothing but move to put the sticks back.)

Manager: “No, you can’t put them back now because you touched them, but don’t let me catch you stealing again, okay?”

(The girls stay silent, but the mother comes over.)

Mom: “What’s going on?”

Manager: “Well, we just caught your daughters stealing toppings from us.”

Mom: “Oh? Well, I can pay you back for the toppings. How much?”

Manager: “Oh, you don’t need to; they literally would’ve only added a penny or two to your purchase. Please don’t let it happen again, though.”

Mom: “No. I insist.”

(She took two dollar bills out of her purse and literally threw them into the now-stunned face of my manager, and then she stormed back to her table. My manager stood still for a moment and then put both dollars into the tip jar and headed back to their office. Later, as the family was leaving, my assistant manager heard the mom say, “We are NEVER coming back here again!” At first, she thought she was saying this to the children as a punishment, but then she realized that the lady was saying it to her, angry because we reprimanded her children for doing something wrong!)

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Little Miss Entitlement

, , , , , | Right | March 20, 2020

(I’m sitting across from some not-so-nice customers. They have small children misbehaving. The youngest just chucked their plate of food down on the floor.)

Mom: “Oh. You. You!” *snapping at her waiter now*

Waiter: “Yes? My name’s [Waiter]. Oh, no, you dropped your plate!”

Mom: “No, she disagrees with the food. My child’s intelligent and gifted enough to know what she wants. This is a sign that your food is not to her taste and I demand a free meal for this poor treatment.”

Waiter: “I’m sorry?”

Mom: “Are you saying my child’s not an equally valued customer like the rest of us?! How rude! Does this establishment not value children?”

Waiter: “Um, I’m sorry about that. I’ll go run to the back and get this settled.”

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