Five-Year-Old: “What would happen if we didn’t have the sun?”
Me: “We’d all turn into popsicles.”
Five-Year-Old: “What flavor?”
My daughters and I are at a park with a splash pad. We are wrapping up for the day in the changing rooms. As I am helping my toddler get dressed, someone starts jiggling the door handle.
Me: “Busy!”
About thirty seconds later, someone yanks on the door handle.
Me: “Someone is in here!”
This happens at least three more times before we finish and come out of the stall. As we come out, a young boy is standing there, reaching for the handle again.
Me: “Knock it off, buddy.”
Boy’s Mom: “Oh, don’t mind him! He’s just playing.”
Me: “Ah. So then, you approve of teaching your son to try and barge in on people in the changing rooms rather than actually parenting him?”
Her jaw hung open for a moment. Then, she called for her son and they quickly left the area.
Customer’s Son: “Moooom! Can I have a candy bar?”
Customer: “No, you’ve had too much junk today already!”
The kid looks disappointed but accepts his mother’s command. The mother looks at me.
Customer: “I just don’t want them putting so many chemicals and stuff into their bodies, you know?”
Me: “I completely understand. That’ll be $20.34.”
Customer: “Oh, wait, I needed my smokes and my Red Bull!”
When my elder brother was barely two years old, he already had a reputation for being even more rambunctious than the average little boy. It got to the point that my parents needed to get a fence installed between the back porch and the backyard to keep him from escaping into the yard without supervision and sneaking out into the street from there.
When they contracted someone to build the fence, the work order explicitly said that it needed to be suitable to prevent a child from climbing over it. The work order got signed off, the fence got built, and then Mother got called over to inspect and sign the work off.
Mother took one look at the fence and declared that it was not fit for purpose. It was not childproof. The workmen tried to argue with her that she was mistaken. The foreman swore up and down that the fence would work.
Mother: “[Brother], come here, please!”
My big brother barrelled out of the house, did not even pause for one second to scale the fence in its entirety, and was right at Mom’s feet before a few seconds had gone by.
Brother: “Yes, Mommy?”
The fence was removed.
Related:
Oh, Brother! – Part 8
Oh, Brother! – Part 7
Oh, Brother! – Part 6
Oh, Brother!, Part 5
Oh, Brother! – Part 4
When I was much younger, my parents took me to a swimming pool. They showed me the keys to our lockers — let’s say 158 and 159.
Parents: “Hey, what do you think? Can you remember some numbers for later?”
I misunderstood and looked around in shock at the lockers numbered 1 through 200 surrounding me.
Me: “ALL OF THEM?”
