They’re Going To Focus On This; Make No Bones About It

, , , , , | Learning | September 25, 2017

(It’s the end of the day in the four-year-old class, and the kids are pretty much playing at whatever they feel like. One asks me to read her a cute science-y book about skeletons, so I oblige her, and she hops into my lap. This happens as I am reading a page which faces a picture of a jolly-looking skeleton with all the major bones labeled.)

Me: *reading* “’…but your shape can never change, because you have a skeleton inside you.’”

Kid: *pointing at the pelvic bone and shouting* “IS THAT YOUR VAGINA?!”

(Two other kids overhear this and think it is a funny word.)

Other Kids: “VAGINA? VAGINA?”

Me: “…can I please read?”

(I wasn’t going NEAR that one!)

Too Young For “It,” Never Too Young For Reading

, , , , , | Friendly | September 24, 2017

(I go to my local bookstore for the next installment of a series I’m currently reading. I find my book quickly and decide to browse the rest of the “Newly Released” shelves. The following two interactions happen within minutes of each other. A mother and high school-aged daughter stand beside me to look at the new releases.)

Mother: “Oh! I heard these two were both good!”

(I glance over and see she’s holding copies of “Everything, Everything” and “Before I Fall” for her daughter to see.)

Daughter: “Nah, I saw the movies already; I don’t need to read the books.”

Me: *eye twitches*

(Ten minutes later, a girl is walking by with her mother. She spots a display for Stephen King’s “IT” and runs over excitedly.)

Girl: “This one! I want to read this one!” *starts to pick up a copy*

Mom: “Oh, no! You don’t want that book. It’s scary!”

Girl: “But I like scary!”

Mom: “You’re too young to read that; put it back.”

Girl: *slowly puts the book down and glances over at me*

Me: *giving her a thumbs-up* “When you’re old enough to read it, you’ll love it!”

Girl: *smiles and follows her mother to the register*

(Faith lost a little and then restored in under twenty minutes!)

Driving Home Those Sales

, , , , | Related | September 21, 2017

(We are saving for a trip to Savannah, so our Girl Scouts are having booth sales everywhere. A car dealership invited us to have a sale at their lot, and it is slow. Not many people come to a dealership to buy cookies. My girls are Juniors, aged 9-11, and are bored. My daughter is standing at the table asking everyone who walks by to buy cookies, and finally a man comes up, with the owner of the dealership.)

Man: *asking my daughter* “How much for a box of cookies?”

Daughter: “$15,000, and I’ll throw in that truck.”

(The owner burst out laughing, and told her that she had a job anytime she wanted it, once she was an adult! The man bought two cases before we went home.)

Raising A Monster Versus Monster Parenting

, , , , | Right | September 21, 2017

(Around the holidays, the tension is really high for people to get their prescriptions on time before going on vacation, so the pharmacy area is packed with close to forty people. I overhear this exchange as I’m ringing up a customer with an especially rude son.)

Me: “That will be $4.50, please.”

Customer: *digs in her purse for her wallet*

Customer’s Son: “Geez, stupid b****. Can’t you hurry up!? I want to go home, now!”

(A lady a few people back snaps her head towards him with a face that is the essence of “Oh, HELL no!”)

Customer’s Son: “God, Mom. Every time we go somewhere, it takes you for-f***ing-ever!”

(The lady a few people back is now breathing very loudly through her nose.)

Customer: “Sweetie, if you wait a minute, we can go get you a burger.”

Customer’s Son: “You bet like hell you are.” *points finger in her face* “You owe me big, woman. I could have been home hours ago out of this s*** heap with you. I’m bored out of my f***ing skull.”

(The lady a few people back is now looking anywhere but at the teenager, shaking her head violently, tapping the side of her purse, and muttering, “Mm-mm, mm-mmmm,” to herself.)

Customer: “Okay, look, honey. We’re done.”

Customer’s Son: “ABOUT D*** TIME, B****!”

(The customer and her son just pass around the corner, when the lady a few people back suddenly swings around, grabs both her teenage sons with one hand, and starts hitting them both with her purse.)

Lady: “DON’T.” *smack* “YOU.” *smack* “EVER.” *smack* “TALK.” *smack* “TO.” *smack* “ME.” *smack* “LIKE.” *smack* “THAT!” *smack*

(Some people are staring open-mouthed, others are cheering her on, but I am face-down on the counter, laughing hysterically. When it is the lady’s turn, I am still choking down tears.)

Me: “Yes, ma’am. How can I help you?”

Lady: “You’re laughing, but I’ll do the same to you if I ever hear you talking like that.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. You’re a great woman.”

Lady: “That’s because I was taught how to respect my parents.”

(Faith in humanity restored. Thank you, purse lady!)

Nugget Is Actually A Good Name For A Stuffed Animal

, , , , | Related | September 21, 2017

(One Sunday morning, my son wakes up and tells me about his dream.)

Son: “I dreamed I was eating chicken nuggets, and when I woke up I was chewing [Stuffed Animal].”

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