Me: “Hello, this is [My Name] calling on behalf of the [Charitable Organization]. Am I speaking with Mrs. [Customer]?”

Customer: “Yes, what’s this about?”

Me: “Well, I’m calling because you pledged a $100 donation to the [Charitable Organization] but, unfortunately, the donation was never received. Would you like me to send you a return envelope?”

Customer: “I never pledged $100. Are you sure you have the right name?”

Me: “Well, maybe the donation was made by your husband. It will take me a few moments to get to that screen on my computer and then we can get this all straightened out.”

Customer: “No, my husband would’ve told me if he’d pledged money. I really think you have the wrong number.”

Me: “According to our records the pledge was made under the name ‘Ryan’. Is that your husband?”

Customer: “No. That’s my nine-year-old son.”

Me: “Oh… I’m so sorry, ma’am, that pledge should not have gone through the system. I can cancel it for you if you’d like. I really do apologize.”

Customer: “No! Don’t cancel it. If he promised you $100, then by God, he’s going to have to find a way to pay you that $100!”

Me: “Ma’am, really, that’s not necessary. Our reps should have verified his age before accepting a donation from him. Really, it’s no trouble at all for me to cancel it for you.”

Customer: “Well, I’m not very happy with my son right now, and I know a nine-year-old boy who’s really not going to be happy when he gets home from school. At least someone should get something out of this! Thank you for bringing this to my attention…”

(As a general rule, we refuse to tattoo anyone has had a baby in the last three months.)

Me: “Okay, so you’re getting this name?” *spells it out to check correct spelling*

Customer: “Yeah. Can I get her date of birth underneath, too?”

Me: “Sure, what is it?”

Customer: “19th September.”

Me: “Um, today is the 24th of November.”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “So, your daughter isn’t three months old yet. We can’t tattoo you for another few weeks. We explained this when you arranged your appointment and you told us she’d be three months old.”

Customer: “She’s three months old.”

Me: “She can’t be, this is the 11th month. She was born in the ninth month. So she isn’t three months old.”

Customer: “She’s three months old.”

Me: “No, she’s two months old. She was born in September, so she’ll be three months in December.”

Customer: “Wait. So, she’s not three months old?”

Me: “Not for another month.”

Customer: “Oh.”

This story is part of our Tattoo roundup!

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(The cafe owners often bring their little one-year-old girl with them, who sometimes plays with the register while standing on a crate. One day while I’m working on something else a few feet away, she’s doing this as a customer approaches.)

Customer: “I’d like to order a sandwich to go.”

Me: “Sure, I’ll be there in one minute. Let me just wash my hands.”

Customer: “Yeah, but she can take my order now!” *points to the little girl*

Me: “She’s just playing. She can’t actually ring you up.”

Customer: *blank stare*

Me: “She’s one.”

Customer: *heavy sigh*

Toddler: “Cheese?”

This story is part of our Outrageous Requests roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

23 Funny Stories About Bookstore Employees And Their Terrible Customers

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(At the pool where I work, we usually give swim tests to young children who want to go swimming in the deep section without a parent.)

Mother: “Can my son take the swim test?”

Me: “Sure, how old is he?”

Mother: “He’s three, but he’s a very good swimmer! He doesn’t even use water-wings in our pool!”

Me: “All right, let’s see you jump in! Swim to the other side and come back.”

(The boy jumps in and starts swimming, badly.)

Mother: “You’re doing great, sweetie!”

(The boy, still struggling, turns around, swims back to the ladder, and climbs up.)

Mother: “So, he passed, right?!”

Me: “No.”

Mother: “What?! Why? I can’t believe you won’t let my son swim out there!”

Me: “Well, your son clearly is not a strong swimmer and I feel it’s not safe to let him go.”

Mother: “No, my son is a great swimmer! He spends every summer swimming!”

Me: “What kind of pool do you guys have?”

Mother: “A kiddie pool.”

(I work at a daycare center and am teaching a room full of two-year-old children to memorize their parents’ or guardians’ names and home phone numbers.)

Me: “So, what’s your daddy’s name?”

Little Girl: “Robert!”

Me: “And what’s your mommy’s name?”

Little Girl: “Dammitjulia!”

(“Robert” had a little talking-to when he came to pick up his daughter.)