POP Goes Your Mooching Plans

, , , , , | Right | October 2, 2017

(Our library has a soda machine in the lobby to generate extra revenue. It’s been popular with patrons, especially the after-school crowd. My coworker is at her desk in the children’s room when this exchange happens.)

Girl #1: “I don’t have enough money for the pop machine.”

Coworker: “Oh, gee, I’m sorry!”

Girl #1: “I’m just a quarter short.”

Coworker: “That’s too bad, isn’t it?”

Girl #1: “I sure would love a pop, but I just need one more quarter!”

Coworker: *realizing the girl’s trying to mooch a quarter* “Well, maybe tomorrow you can remember to bring enough change.”

Girl #1: “But I want a pop now!”

(Meanwhile the girl at the front desk was much more direct.)

Girl #2: “Can I have a dollar to get a [Soda]?”

Me: “We don’t give out money here. Sorry.”

Girl #2: *huffs and stomps off*

How To Get Your Kids Into Therapy

, , , , , , | Related | October 2, 2017

(We go to St. Louis on vacation and decide to visit the Gateway Arch. There are about 40 or so people in front of me. Directly in front of me is a dad with two young children. The dad looks ahead and counts out how many families are going before him and works out which elevator they would be getting on. Note that ALL the elevators kind of lurch, making a metallic noise as the elevator starts up.)

Dad: “Yeah, kids, this is going to be really awesome! We are going to be very high up and have an amazing view of the city! But we don’t want to be on elevator four.”

Kids: “Why not elevator four, Dad?”

Dad: “That elevator will jolt and make a horrible metal noise and will eventually fall and we will all die! But there are a lot of elevators, so we don’t need to worry about that.”

(The kids look scared, but reassured by their dad. As the line shortens, the kids start counting ahead to predict which elevator they will be on.)

Kids: *gasp* “DAD! DAD! WE ARE GOING TO BE ON ELEVATOR FOUR!”

Dad: “Nooo. There’s no way!”

(The line ends, and the dad and kids are next. The kids are near hysterics. The dad turns to me.)

Dad: “Sir, would you mind switching places with me?”

Me: “NO WAY! That’s elevator four!”

(The dad only smirked as his plan came full circle. They got into the elevator and, sure enough, it jolted and made the noise. Pure horror-filled screams filled the room, as everyone who was aware of the situation was bent over laughing.)

Grand Theft Innocence, Part 14

, , , , | Right | October 2, 2017

(I’m a regular at a video game store. While I don’t know all of the games, I’m familiar with popular franchises. I’m hanging out at the store and talking to the manager when a woman and her young son, maybe ten, come in.)

Mother: “What game were you looking for?”

Son:Grand Theft Auto! The newest one!”

(The manager gets a pained look on her face. I step aside from the counter as they go to buy the game.)

Manager: “Is this all today?”

Mother: “Yeah, I guess.”

Manager: “I’ll need to check your ID.”

Mother: “What for? I’m only buying it.”

Manager: “Ma’am, it’s rated Mature. Store policy says I have to ask for your ID to make sure you can buy this.”

Mother: “Oh, hold on…”

(As she’s getting her ID out, I speak up.)

Me: “Ma’am, do you even know what this game is?”

Mother: “No, it’s for my kid. I don’t play video games.”

Me: “I’ll warn you that it’s incredibly violent, and has offensive language and content.”

Mother: “Oh? Like what?”

(The kid is glaring at me now, but I continue.)

Me: “There’s the option of buying prostitutes off of street corners, or visiting a strip club and getting a private dance. Plus, there are characters that will use profanity.”

Mother: “WHAT?!” *turns to her son* “YOU SAID IT WAS ABOUT STOPPING CRIMINALS!”

Son: “She’s lying! She doesn’t play video games; she’s a f***ing GIRL!”

(The woman drags her still-yelling son out of the store. My manager looks at me.)

Manager: “Hey, [My Name], want a job here?”

He Shoots, He Scores

, , , , , | Related | September 29, 2017

(My nine-year-old son and I have an ongoing, good-natured argument about who has the better dog. We are literally singing their praises to the tune of “O Christmas Tree” for the full conversation.)

Me: “O Sammon-Bear, O Sammon-bear, you are the best dog anywhere!”

Son: “Re-bel is cute, Re-bel is cute!”

Me: “You’ll have trouble rhyming that.”

Son: *pauses* “Shoot!”

Shared Confusion

, , , , , , | Related | September 29, 2017

(I am about fourteen. My mom and I share a weird connection; my dad calls it a “shared brain.”)

Mom: “Hey, [My Name], do you know where the uh… uh…”

Me: “Yeah, Mom, it is next to the uh… uh…”

Mom: “Smart-a**.”

(Pause.)

Mom: “Oh, I found it!. You were right; thanks, [My Name]!”

Dad: “…”

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