At 18 They Will Get High On Cough Medicine, While Hunting, Spraying Trees

, , , | Right | September 18, 2020

When certain items are scanned through the system, it prompts the employees to card someone to verify their age. I am at self-checkout when two boys come up, I’m guessing somewhere in the ballpark of 12 to 14, with a can of spray paint. They scan it, I get the prompt and walk over.

Me: “You boys over 18?”

Boy #1: “Uh… no…”

Me: “Then I’m afraid I can’t let you buy this without your parents.”

I take the can away and they walk off, dejected. A few minutes pass and the same two boys return, this time with some cough medicine. It scans, I get the prompt, I head over.

Me: “You boys over 18?”

Boy #2: “Uh… yes!”

Me: “Great! You got your ID on you?”

Boy #1: *Lowers head* “No…”

Me: “‘fraid I can’t let you buy this then.”

I take the cough syrup away, cancel out their order and they slink away. They come back a 3rd time, a few minutes later, this time with an R-rated movie. Scan, prompt, walk over.

Me: “You boys over 18?”

Both Boys: “Yes!”

Me: “Got your IDs?”

Boy #1: “We… uh… left them out in the car.”

Me: “Well I’ll just hold this here for you while you go out and get it.”

Boy #2: “…we’re not over 18, we don’t have an ID.”

Me: “Then I’m afraid I can’t let you buy this.”

Orders canceled, they walk away grumbling. The fourth time they come back with some sort of hunting knife. I laugh to myself and before they even scan it I call out to them.

Me: “You boys got your ID’s on ya this time?”

The boys look at me, look at each other, then at me, then their eyes go wide. I think they only then realized I was the same guy they’d come to the last three times. They promptly dropped the knife and ran out the door.

 To this day I don’t know if they were just not getting that the self-checkout checks for this thing as much as the manned check-out lines, or if they actually thought their excuses would work.

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Be Glad The Only Ones Barking Mad Are The Humans

, , , | Related | September 16, 2020

My sister was over at my place with her three kids. I had invited her over so we could discuss something related to our parents. I’d like to clarify that I had invited only her. But for some reason, she dragged her kids along. It is a Saturday afternoon, she could have left them with her husband. Fine, whatever. I could handle their presence in my home for a short while. Or so I thought.

She and I are talking while the kids are playing in the living room. They constantly climb over the furniture and grab the delicate vases and antique figurines.

Me: “Please stop grabbing those!”

They continue even though I keep telling them not to. Later they are eating some candy.

Me: *To Sister* “Your kids are eating their candy and dropping the wrappers where they are standing.”

My sister is unperturbed by their boorish behavior and just laughs it off, not even making an attempt to discipline them.

My dogs are both sleeping, but the noise the kids are making wakes them up. The dogs come out of their room and the kids get really excited when they see them.

Kids: “We want to play with the dogs!”

Me: “Okay, but you need to be gentle—”

They rush to the dogs and try to grab them. One of them is about to grab one of the dogs’ ears when I get to them. I am terrified that my dogs (a Doberman and a Rottweiler mix) would be spooked and might defend themselves, the kids might get hurt and my dogs and I would be in big legal trouble – it could be anything from a fine to having to euthanize them. 

I quickly place myself before the dogs and the kids.

Me: “Back off! If you wanted to interact with my dogs you’re going to do it in a civilized manner.”

These kids aren’t used to being told “no” and begin to whine.

Me: “Be quiet and sit on the couch and maybe you’ll get to pet the dogs.”

Sister: “You’re being rude to my kids by telling them not to play in the living room and not to play with the dogs! And they’ve had never been around animals, how would they learn how to interact with dogs if you don’t let them play with yours?”

Me: “Because my dogs will not be collateral damage in your kids learning basic empathy for animals. This isn’t going to work, we’ll just talk on the phone. You and your kids needed to leave.”

She scoffs, tells her kids to follow her (they do this while continuing their ear-piercing whining) and start walking out.

Sister: “You know nothing about kids.”

Me: “I do know one thing: you’re supposed to teach them to respect other people’s homes. Something you are clearly incapable of doing.”

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The Amazing World Of Gumball

, , , , , | Right | September 15, 2020

I’ve worked at a video store for years. Many people try to lie to try to get out of late fees, but this was a one-time incident.

We have a gumball machine in the store. Like in many convenience or video stores, a certain-colored gumball — in our case, white — yields something free: a movie rental, for our store.

A kid, about twelve, who I know has stolen games from us and therefore won’t be allowed to rent anyway, walks up to the gumball machine. After casting a furtive glance at me over his shoulder — I pretty much death-glare into his soul — he pretends, very blatantly, to put a quarter in the machine and turns the knob. He waits about two seconds before turning to me.

Customer: “Yes! I got a white gum! I’m gonna go pick out my movie, okay? Can you put the credit on my account?

Me: “That’s fine, but where’s the gumball? I just need to see it for a moment before you chew it.”

Customer: “I already ate it, see?”

He opens his mouth; he has a well-chewed and very small piece of gum in his mouth.

Me: “Yeah, I can say with some certainty that you already had that gum. Nice try, though.”

Customer: “What? I just put it in my mouth! This store is such a rip-off. You should take that sign down about winning a free rental since it’s a lie. I’m gonna get my mom to call and tell the boss about you!”

My patience has evaporated.

Me: “Your mom’s account is under [Customer]. You have two XBox 360 games rented a year ago that never came back. I have a really good memory, but even if I didn’t, it would show when you tried to rent, so I can’t rent to you anyway.”

Customer: “Oh, yeah, we took [Game #1] and [Game #2] from here. What if I bring them back? I live like two minutes away and they’re in my room.”

Me: “So, you’re admitting you still have the games, and apparently, you have willfully held onto them after dozens of phone calls about them being late. I’m fairly certain you should leave now.”

The customer took off running, full-speed. That was two years ago; he hasn’t shown his face since.

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It Suddenly Became A Smoking Room

, , , , | Right | September 11, 2020

When I was six, we were in the middle of moving. I got sick during the journey. The hotel had a free breakfast, but I didn’t want to go down. My parents went without me. We had bread, some snacks, and a microwave in the room.

I knew toast would make me feel better but couldn’t find a toaster. I decided to make it in the microwave. Since the toaster took ten minutes, the microwave would, too, right? I started it and went to watch TV.

You can guess what happened next; the room started filling with smoke and hotel employees came really quickly. I knew to leave the room but didn’t realize that I’d started this. For the record, the room never caught on fire; there was just a lot of smoke.

My parents came back from breakfast to find out that we’d been banned. I wasn’t allowed to use a microwave for years.

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The Mannequin Looks How You Feel

, , , , , , | Right | September 9, 2020

I’m changing a mannequin when I get called away to help some customers. I leave the mannequin half-dressed and lying sideways on the pedestal.

As I’m coming back to finish the job, a woman comes into my section with her small children. One of the kids sees the mannequin and instantly looks upset.

Child: *Voice wobbling* “Who did this?”

Me: “Oh, don’t worry, sweetie! I’m just giving her some new clothes; that’s a—”

Mom: *Angrily, pointing at me* “SHE did this!”

They both glared at me and stormed off. Around twenty minutes later, they were asked to leave for not having masks.

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