Not As Ugly As Your Attitude…

, , , | Right | August 31, 2017

(I’m 12. I’m Canadian, living in Germany for the summer, going to school there for a few weeks. My class is selling bags we made out of newspaper, to raise money for child labourers. I don’t remember the price, but it’s not much, probably about the equivalent of $1.)

Classmate: *explains about the bags, in German, to a couple*

Couple: “We don’t speak German…”

Classmate: *to me, in German* “Those people are English; you go talk to them!”

Me: *a little homesick, pleased to use my native language, and they sound Canadian* “Hi! What my friend was telling you was that we’re selling these bags to raise money for child labourers. Would you like to buy one?”

Couple: “What? No! They’re made of newspaper; they’re ugly!”

Me: *deeply ashamed of my language/countrymen*

Classmate: *in German* “What did they say?”

Me: “…they said …no.”

My Daughter Amara

, , , , | Related | August 30, 2017

It was ten pm, my wife and kid were asleep, and I had the grave shift starting in two hours, so I was killing time before work.

I was watching a horror TV show where a demon-baby telekinetically slams her letter blocks into the wall to spell out, “Feed me.”

It was an intense moment, and my office was pitch black except for the light from my computer screen. I glanced to my side and found my three-year-old daughter standing there, who simply said, “I’m hungry.”

My scream woke up our next door neighbor, who called to make sure everything was all right.

Mother Of The Fear

, , , , | Related | August 29, 2017

(It’s the last period of the day, and when we get to class, we see that our normally all-natural teacher has her hair in lopsided pigtails, and her face made up to look like something I can only describe as Effie Trinket if she were moonlighting as Jared Leto’s Joker.)

Us: “Uh, what’s up with your face today?”

Teacher: “My five-year-old daughters woke up early this morning and decided to help me get ready for work by doing my hair and makeup…”

(We have to at least give her props for being such a mother of the year that she’d go to work looking that terrifying to make her daughters happy, and stay like that the entire day.)

Projecting A Sales Career

, , , , | Related | August 27, 2017

(My five-year-old daughter and her three-member troupe of Girl Scout Brownies are set up selling cookies. It’s been a good morning; they’ve sold quite a few, and the following happens. A gentleman in a business suit stops on his way out of the grocery and states very firmly to my daughter:)

Man: “Little girl, don’t even try to sell me any cookies, I am diabetic. Do you know what that means?”

Daughter: “Yes, sir, I do. My grandma and my daddy are both diabetic and can’t have sugar. But, does your wife like cookies?”

(He stops, and I can see him fighting a grin, he finally breaks and says:)

Man: “Yes, yes she does. Two thin mints. Here’s a twenty, keep the change.” *to me* “Mom, here’s my business card, when she gets about 21, I have a job in sales for her!”

Little Girl, Interrupted

, , , , | Related | August 25, 2017

(I’m walking down the road when I overhear this gem:)

Eight-Year-Old Girl: *to her younger brother* “I don’t know what the point of you being born was. All you do is interrupt me!”

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