The Terrifying Twos

, , , , | Related | June 29, 2017

(I’m writing an essay on ghosts. I feel they can explained through scientific methods and decide to ask if my family ever had any experiences with this.)

Me: “Did anyone ever have encounters with ghosts? Like moving objects, orbs, or apparitions?”

Mum: “I didn’t, but you used to sit in the corner of the living room talking to [My Sister who died at the age of five] and [My Uncle who got hit by a car at twelve].”

(I should mention that I didn’t know either of them since I was not born early enough to know them and I had never seen any pictures of them.)

Me: “When was this?”

Mum: “When you were four or five.”

Me: “I guess I could use this as a personal experience.”

(I start to walk out the room.)

Mum: “That’s not even the worst bit.”

Me: “…”

Mum: “You looked at me at one point and asked “will I die when I’m twelve?” Since you have the same name.”

Me: “…”

(I knew I was strange as a child, but never expected to be that morbid as well.)

Wings Of Ambition

, , , , , | Related | June 27, 2017

(I’m babysitting my nephews. We’re sitting at the table coloring on paper. I like to ask them questions, talk about their day, etc. and I decide to bring up the age-old question:)

Me: “So, [Eldest Nephew], what do you want to be when you grow up?”

Eldest Nephew: “I’m going to be a GIANT bird, and I’m going to take over the whole earth!”

(He’s only six and his life goal is world domination. Yikes!)

Wants To Be The Belle Of The Ball

, , , , , | Related | June 26, 2017

(I have two children separated by two years and 10 days. We used to have a joint birthday party when they were kids, on the Saturday between their birthdays. In ’93, Daughter was eight and Son was six. When we started planning the party the kids asked for “a Disney Princess party.” Son was, I think, more excited than his sister, so we said yes. When we went to the costume store we started looking at the Prince costumes for Son while Daughter immediately latched on to Ariel because she has red hair, just like her. It was here that a store employee approaches us.)

Employee: “How can I help you?”

Me: “We’re doing a Disney birthday party for my kids.”

Son: “Disney Princess.”

Me: “So we were looking for a Prince costume.”

Son: “No, I don’t want to be a Prince.”

Me & Employee: “What?”

Son: “It’s a Princess party. I don’t want to be a Prince.”

Me: “[Son], what do you want to be then?”

Son: “Belle! She’s the most prettiest.”

Employee: “He can’t be Belle.”

Me: “Hold on. If he wants to be Belle, he can be.”

Employee: “What is wrong with you, dressing your son up like a girl? You probably wanted another daughter, didn’t you?”

(By the time the manager arrived my son was in tears sobbing, “It’s my birthday!” and the employee was yelling at me that I was trying to turn my son gay by forcing him to dress like a Princess. In the end my son got to be Belle. He has a six-year-old daughter of his own now, who has asked for a Disney Princess party for her birthday, which prompted Son to remember this incident and call me to reminisce.)

Strange Bedfellows

, , , , , | Related | June 26, 2017

(My oldest sister and I are visiting our youngest sister for several days. Youngest sister has a family of five and no guest room, so she puts us on a sofa-bed in the living room. One of my nephews wakes up just before dawn and for some reason comes downstairs and tries to crawl in with us. At home I am used to having to defend my part of the bed from two German shepherds, and I evidently boot him out without actually waking up. He isn’t hurt but I get an earful from my sisters in the morning. We are all in the car, running some last minute errands before I leave to return home, when this conversation took place.)

Nephew: “Is Aunt [My Name] going home?”

Youngest Sister: “Yes, honey. She’s leaving right after we go see Grandpa.”

Nephew: “Is Aunt [Oldest Sister] going home?”

Oldest Sister: “No, I get to stay at your house for two more nights. You can come downstairs in the morning and cuddle with me all you want.” *with a significant glance in my direction*

Nephew: “Is Mamma going to sleep on the sofa bed with you?”

Oldest Sister: “No, Mamma is going to sleep upstairs in her own bed.”

Nephew: “Is Daddy going to sleep on the sofa bed with you?”

Youngest Sister: “Not if he knows what’s good for him.”

The Ball Avoids Other Balls

, , , , | Related | June 23, 2017

(My younger son, about eight at the time, is playing baseball and is currently the catcher, the first time he has played that position. Pitch comes in, batter fouls it back, the ball going directly between his legs. He falls over on his side. Even in the stands we can hear the ball hit the protective cup. The crowd takes a collective breath out of pity.)

Coach: “[Son], you okay? Did the ball hit you in the nuts?”

Son: *angrily, and in tears* “NO! I got hit in the penis!”

(Cue a bit of laughing from players, spectators, and even the umpire. The batter shakes my son’s hand, and he finishes the inning.)

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