(I’m sitting across from some not-so-nice customers. They have small children misbehaving. The youngest just chucked their plate of food down on the floor.)

Mom: “Oh. You. You!” *snapping at her waiter now*

Waiter: “Yes? My name’s [Waiter]. Oh, no, you dropped your plate!”

Mom: “No, she disagrees with the food. My child’s intelligent and gifted enough to know what she wants. This is a sign that your food is not to her taste and I demand a free meal for this poor treatment.”

Waiter: “I’m sorry?”

Mom: “Are you saying my child’s not an equally valued customer like the rest of us?! How rude! Does this establishment not value children?”

Waiter: “Um, I’m sorry about that. I’ll go run to the back and get this settled.”

(I am working at a zoo and am holding a tenrec — a small mammal that looks like a hedgehog with spines on its back — for guests to touch and ask questions about. A mother and her son walk up.)

Mother: *jokingly* “It’s half porcupine and half rat!”

Son: “Is it half porcupine?”

Me: “No, it’s all tenrec.”

Son: “Well, what’s a tenrec?”

Me: “This is. It’s related to hedgehogs, and this one lives in Madagascar.”

Son: “Is it half rat?”

Me: “No, it’s just a tenrec, not related to a porcupine or a rat.”

Son: “Well, what’s a tenrec?”

Me: *looks at his mother desperately*

Last century, my grandad was one of the first people to have a tracheotomy for throat cancer and survive. With it came speech therapy and an alternative way to speak, based on a technique of burping. He was ashamed to do his exercise but quickly found a way around it.

He was taking long walks with his then youngest grandchild, my brother, all the while practicing his speech. Nobody thought it strange as people make all sorts of sounds to babies. As my brother was between six months and a year old, he was at his most receptive for language development and was quick to pick up what my granddad was doing.

One night, in his crib, he was imitating the sounds my granddad made, sounding as if he was choking, scaring my mum and making her rush to him. It took a while before she made the connection and understood what the baby was doing.

And that is the story of how my brother learned to speak at an early age and how, to this day, he can belch upon request.

(I work as an online English teacher for children in China. When I only have a single student for a low-level class, I play a game where they say “apple” and I jump, and then we switch roles. This class, I have a six-year-old girl as my only student.)

Me: “Apple!”

Girl: *jumps*

(Something about her doesn’t look right, but I don’t realize what it is at first.)

Me: “Apple!”

Girl: *jumps*

(That’s when I realize what the problem is: she is naked from the waist down! The mother shouts something in Chinese and the girl sits back down and stays seated as the mother rushes over with a pair of panties and helps her put them on.)

Mother: “Sorry! Sorry! She, uh… pee-pee! She pee-pee!”

Me: “It’s all right.”

(Once the girl had her underwear on, class resumed as normal for the rest of the session. My guess as to what happened is that the girl had wet herself right before class and, not having enough time to clean her up properly, the mother simply stripped off the soiled clothes and didn’t think I’d notice during the 25-minute class.)

(A little boy comes up to my register and throws down a box that contains some sort of a Lego game set.)

Boy: “Can you tell me how much this is?”

Me: “It’s [price].”

Boy: “Oh. Okay. Can I rip it?”

Me: “No, you can’t rip it unless you’re gonna buy it.”

Boy: “Well, I am gonna buy it. I’m just waiting for my mom.”

Me: “Well, why don’t you take this and go find your mom and ask her if you can get it?”

Boy: “Okay!” *scurries off to find his mom*

(A few minutes later, he and his mother return as I’m helping other customers. The boy, ignoring the stuff belonging to the customers in front of me, THROWS the box onto the counter excitedly.)

Mother: “You have to wait, sweetie. She’s helping other people right now.”