(I’m in accounts receivable, and my company has been back and forth with a customer for several months about $20,000 they owe us. After months of broken promises about payments, we put their company on hold, meaning they can no longer place orders with us until they start paying. Two months later, still no payment, so I reach out one more time before sending their case to a collection agency.)

Me: “Hi. I’m [My Name] from [My Company], and I’m looking to speak to [Owner] about—”

Owner: *enraged* “Oh, I know who you are! Listen, [Their Company] is no longer buying from you! Say goodbye to our business! Is this how you treat long-time customers? You cut us off two months ago with no warning or explanation as to why, and now you’ve come crawling back to beg for our business? You’ve got some nerve!”

(While he is ranting, I pull up his case notes, where we’ve documented every interaction regarding their $20,000 balance.)

Me: *cutting in* “I’m very sorry you feel that way, [Owner], but we have actually spoken with you every month for the last seven months about a $20,000 balance on your account. Just this year, you spoke to [Colleague #1] in January, and [Colleague #2] in February. You and I actually spoke three weeks ago, where you personally promised me a check was going in the mail towards the balance that afternoon. This was a courtesy call to let you know that, unless we receive a payment toward your balance by the end of the week, we will forward your case to a collection agency.”

(Maybe twenty seconds of silence.)

Owner: “How much can I put on a credit card?”

(I’ve just broken up with my boyfriend of two years, and I rebound into a pretty unhealthy relationship. He raises a lot of red flags on our first date, including the ultimate crime on this site of being rude to the waiter, but I don’t care. Two weeks later, I get laid off and go to his apartment, distraught and seeking reassurance.)

Me: “[Boyfriend]?”

Boyfriend: *muffled* “Oh, s***.”

Me: “Uh, it’s me, [My Name].”

Boyfriend: *opens door, sweating* “[My Name], what are you doing here?”

Me: “I just got fired… Who’s that?”

(I point to a shirtless man clearly trying to hide behind the couch.)

Boyfriend: “He’s, uh, my new roommate.”

(He lives in a pigsty that no one would pay to inhabit.)

Me: “Are you f***ing cheating on me? How could you?”

Boyfriend: “I’m not cheating!”

Me: “You were just having sex with another guy! How is that not cheating?”

Boyfriend: “We weren’t having sex; we were just [engaging in sexual act of sorts]! That’s not cheating; it’s microcheating.”

Me: “What the f*** is microcheating?”

Boyfriend: “[Popular National Tabloid] says it’s microcheating it you don’t have sex and just [engage in sexual act].”

Me: “First of all, that’s bulls***, and secondly, how is that not cheating?”

Boyfriend: “It’s microcheating! “

(Needless to say, I think I dodged a bullet there. The kicker? I looked at the article, and his interpretation of “microcheating” was way off.)

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(A customer calls after receiving a delivery, angry because he didn’t get a fork with his food. You have to ask; we don’t include this automatically.)

Me: “Okay, we will go and deliver you a fork.”

Caller: *gets all angry, screaming* “No, I don’t want a fork! I don’t have time!”

Me: “Uh, okay. Then would you like a credit to your account?”

Caller: “No, I would like a refund!”

Me: “Okay, well, it looks like you paid in cash, so the only options are to put a credit on your account, or we come back and take the food, and give you your money back.”

Caller: “I don’t have enough time left in my break to go outside and get money! I’m in a warehouse; I can’t answer my phone!”

Me: “So, what would you like us to do? You declined a refund, a credit, or the delivery of the fork.”

Caller: “I would like to talk to your manager; I don’t want to talk to the middle-man!”

(I give the phone to my manager, and he says same thing.)

Caller: “YOU HAVE LOST A CUSTOMER!”

Manager: “Good.”

(Why complain and “waste your break” if you aren’t going to accept anything we offer you?)

(The doctor’s office where I work is very small, as it only accommodates one doctor. The way the office is set up, the only bathroom is just around the corner from the storage closet. Because the storage closet door is always closed, many patients initially mistake it for the bathroom. Because of this, and because many of our patients are elderly and prone to forgetfulness, I have made a habit of reminding all patients who ask for the bathroom that it is “straight back and around the corner.” On this particular day, a gentleman who has not been to the office in over a year comes in for an appointment and asks for the bathroom.)

Me: “Sure. It’s straight back and right—”

Patient: *sharply* “I know where it is! I’ve been here before!”

(He proceeded to walk into the storage closet.)

Customer: “I just picked up my online order, but it took forever to get here, so I already ordered it somewhere else. Can I return it?”

(It is past the return date, but I decide to help her out.)

Me: “Sure!”

(I scan the receipt, and the system automatically refunds it to the credit card it was purchased on, as per PCI compliance and credit card industry standards.)

Me: “All right, [total] has been automatically refunded to your credit card.”

Customer: “Wait! That card is cancelled! You have to refund it to a different one!”

Me: “I’m sorry, the system automatically refunds to the tender you paid with. It doesn’t give us an option because of credit card compliance standards. Is your new card with the same bank?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Then the bank should automatically redirect the credit to your new card. If you take the receipt to your bank, they should be able to verify for you that the credit went to the new account.”

Customer: “Why do I have to go to the bank? You should have told me it would go to the cancelled card before you did the return!”

Me: “Like I said, your bank should automatically take care of it for you and redirect to the new account.”

Customer: “But it’s a different bank. You should have done the refund to my new card!”

Me: “You just told me it was the same bank. If it’s a different one, I can call our accounting department and see if there’s a way to void this out. Let me see what I can do.”

Customer: “You should have told me it would go to the closed card before you did the transaction!”

Me: *now annoyed and amused that she is picking a fight with me when I’m trying to help her* “No, you should have told me the card was cancelled when you tried to return it.”

Customer: “No, you should have told me it would go to the cancelled card!”

(Yes, dear. My psychic brain should have known better. I guess it’s my fault for agreeing to do the return in the first place.)