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He Only Prefers Foil As A Hat

, , , , | Right | June 7, 2021

I work in a diner inside of a grocery store. People can order off of the menu, but they can also buy any seafood or meat at the store and have us cook it for free. It has been announced that this service will end in a month. There is one guy who comes in every day to get a piece of salmon grilled.

Customer: “Where am I going to get my salmon grilled now?”

Me: “Well, there’s actually a competitor store that still offers the same service. I used to work there; it’s exactly the same thing.”

Customer: “Okay, I’ll check it out!”

I see him a couple of days later.

Customer: “So, I went to that other store and got some salmon grilled there.”

Me: “Oh, yeah, how was it?”

Customer: “I was afraid to eat it.”

Me: “Oh… I’m sorry to hear that. Why was that?”

Customer: “Well, they wrapped it in foil before they grilled it.”

Me: “Oh…?”

Customer: “Well, they got the foil hot on the grill. I know that’s bad because you can’t put foil in the microwave.”

Me: “Oh! You can’t put foil in the microwave because it can cause sparks, like if you microwaved a fork. Grilling food inside foil is actually a very popular way of cooking food. We do it here, too!”

The guy looked at me very, very suspiciously. I never saw him again.

He Officially Wins At Excuses

, , , , , | Healthy | June 4, 2021

I graduated massage school in 1986 and promptly started working at a place in a very well-to-do town. We had acupuncture, chiropractic, and other modalities, as well as massage therapy.

I quickly developed a roster of regulars with standing weekly appointments. One particular fellow was my standing Tuesday 6:00 pm for years. He was always right on time, impeccably dressed, the model of a perfect executive. (Nice guy, too.)

But one Tuesday, [Regular] didn’t come in and didn’t call. With most people, I would have assumed they’d just flaked, but [Regular] had never flaked on anything in his life. I was concerned.

It turned out that [Regular] had gone in to have a lipoma removed — I knew he had it, of course — and during what should have been very minor surgery, his heart stopped. They had to resuscitate him.

He called the next day.

Regular: “Sorry I missed my appointment yesterday. I was dead.”

Best excuse EVER.


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You Can Always Be Kind, Even With Your Foot In Your Mouth

, , , , , , | Right | April 30, 2021

I am working as a cart attendant at a retail chain. Part of our responsibility is to help guests load items into cars when needed.

One late summer afternoon, I get called over the walkie-talkie to help a woman to her car with her purchase. For some reason, she has parked her van at the very last parking spot, so we have to walk together for a couple of minutes through the near-empty parking lot as I push two heaping carts and she pushes another.

We make small talk about how beautiful the weather is, how the days are getting longer, this and that. We are both smiling and laughing a bit the whole time about unimportant things as I’m loading various chips, sodas, doughnuts, paper plates, napkins, juices, and other things into the car.

Me: “Wow! You must be getting ready to have a big party!”

Customer: “It’s a funeral, actually.”

Me: *Embarrassed* “Oh, I’m sorry.”

She doesn’t respond, and I clam up and finish putting things in the van. Though I know now that I did nothing wrong, at the time, I felt like an insensitive jerk.

I close the van door, collect the carts, and turn to see that the customer is holding out money for me.

Me: “Ma’am, I’m not allowed to—”

Customer: *Cutting me off* “Take it.”

Me: “No, ma’am, I can’t, and besides, I—”

She interrupts once more, her voice cracking.

Customer: “Please take it. You really helped me today. You have no idea how much I needed someone to be nice to me today.  Besides, it was nice to talk about something normal during this time. So, please… take it.”

I took the money, and she smiled, got into her van, and drove away.

Having just moved to Chicago, I was pretty strapped for cash and hadn’t yet eaten on this particular day. The $10 she gave me was able to be used for two meals. It was such a small thing, but I don’t think I’ll ever forget her.


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Professionalism Is The Key

, , , , | Right | April 20, 2021

I work in a key cutting shop. Since keys are just about the only product we sell, we have to charge more for a key than other places that do key cutting as a side service.

This also means we do it better; unlike the other places that just carry the eighty most popular blank keys, we carry about two thousand. We also have both the experience and training to get it right the first time, unlike the other places that just don’t care. To us, this justifies the higher price.

Customer: “Can you make this key? I’ve been everywhere and no one can do it.”

Me: *Looking at the key* “Oh, sure, they are $1.99 each.”

Customer: “What?! What a rip-off. All the other places only charge about $1.50.”

Me: “Then why didn’t you get it made there?”

Customer: “Because as I told you, no one else can make it.”

Me: “Fair enough, for $1.50 we can’t make it, either.”

Customer: “Just make the d*** key.”

Just A Bit Scrambled

, , , | Right | April 18, 2021

When I am about seven, I go to a diner with my family. I only recently realized I like fried eggs, so I decide to order some.

Waitress: “How would you like those done?”

Me: *Clueless* “Medium rare?”