Fifty years ago, I worked in a drug store after school. Certain products were kept behind the counter. My church youth leader, who has a very attractive wife, came into the store once when I was working. We chatted a bit, until he asked for a dozen of a specific brand of condoms.

In those days, birth control was not a casual conversation topic and was frowned on in the church. Our chat suffered a quick and awkward death. As I reached for the condoms, I realized that the twelve-pack was the last one in stock. We concluded the transaction in silence, but as he turned to leave I felt that I ought to say something polite.

“We’ll have more in tomorrow if you need them!”

(I work at a casual dining restaurant. We’re generally very busy on the weekends and reservations are always recommended, especially for large parties. Some people have a hard time understanding how reservations work.)

Me: “Hi, welcome to [Restaurant].”

Guest: “I have a birthday party here.”

Me: “Okay, do you have a reservation?”

Guest: “Yes, it’s a birthday party.”

Me: “Okay, what’s the name on the reservation?”

Guest: *becoming irate* “It’s the birthday party.”

Me: “All right, miss, but the name?”

Guest: *sassily* “How many other birthday parties do you have?”

Me: “Um, if I look at the notes on all the reservations… it looks like we have… three other guests celebrating birthdays tonight.”

Guest: “Well, we’re the birthday party. They’re already here.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I haven’t seated a birthday party yet this evening. How many are in your party? Could the name be [Name]?”

Guest: “Yes, isn’t that obvious? We’re the birthday party.”

Me: “Okay, I show that reservation for 8:30 this evening, not 7:00, so we would still need to set up your table.”

Guest: “But they’re already here.”

Me: “You’re more than welcome to have a look around, but I do not show that reservation as being seated.”

(Thoroughly pissed off at me, she stampedes through the dining room, and then comes back to the other side to check the bar for her party. Leaving me with a glare, she walks back to our wine tasting area. She comes back later at 8:30 with the rest of her party to be seated.)

Guest: “We’re the birthday party.”

(I work at an answering service for flower shops. Occasionally, I work the late shift and get prank callers. I can tell these particular callers are a bunch of teens that sound a little high.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Flower Shop]. How may I help you?”

Teen: “Yeah… I need to order some flowers.”

(It’s obvious immediately due to his friends giggling in the background.)

Me: “All right, I’ll be glad to help you with that. What kind of flowers would you like to order?”

Teen: “Well…” *giggles* “What do you got?”

Me: “I have a lovely bouquet of roses.”

Teen: “Yeah, I’ll get that.”

Me: “Great! What color?”

Teen: “Uh…” *whispers* “Red.”

Me: “Okay, so, that’s a dozen white roses.”

Teen: “Uh…” *whispers to his friends, giggles* “Yeah.”

Me: “Wonderful, would you like those tulips in a vase?”

Teen: “Huh? Uh… Wait… What?”

Me: “In a vase?”

Teen: “Oh.” *whispers, giggling* “Yeah, yeah…”

Me: “Great! So, that is two dozen blue daffodils in a box. Can I have your name?”

Teen: *click*

(I just sipped my coffee and waited for the next call.)

(I work at the fine jewelry counter at a department store. We are not allowed to ring up non-fine jewelry items but when customers ask I politely direct them to the checkout about three yards away. A middle-aged woman approaches.)

Me: “Hello, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I’m buying this purse.” *tosses purse on the counter*

Me: “Unfortunately, I can only ring up fine jewelry at this counter, but there’s a checkout right behind you where you can get rung out.”

Customer: “No, I just came from there. No one is over there. I’m in a rush! This is ridiculous; this is why [Store] is going out of business!”

(I look over and see three of my coworkers standing by the registers.)

Me: “Ma’am, I see three people over there right now; they can ring you out in no time at all.”

(The customer finally turns around and is staring right at the checkout.)

Customer: “Where? I don’t see anyone over there.”

(A fine jewelry regular stops by to pick up a ring she sent to get polished.)

Me: “Ma’am, the counter right in front of you. My coworkers are right there and there isn’t a line so they can ring you out right away.”

Customer: “That’s what I told you! There is no one over there! You will all be fired! [Store] will go bankrupt!” *wanders over to the checkout and slams her purse onto the counter on top of my coworker’s hand*

(At this point, security comes and escorts her out of the store.)

Regular: “I’ve been shopping here for over forty years, and everyone has always provided me with amazing service. Some people are just crazy.”

(I work in the call center for an industrial supply company that sells fasteners and things. For context, we sell over 40,000 types of screws alone.)

Caller: “I’m looking for a screw that I can’t find on your website. My engineer asked me for a 0.375″-16 screw, but your options don’t show 0.375”.”

Me: “Our website will actually list thread sizes as a fraction, so if you enter 3/8″ rather than 0.375″ into the search options, it’ll come right up. Do you know what type of screw it is? I can just find it for you.”

Caller: “And is 0.375″ the same as 3/8″?”

Me: “Yes. 0.375 is the decimal equivalent of 3/8″.”

Caller: “It’s just a standard screw, 1″ long.”

Me: “Do you know what head there is on there?”

Caller: “Just a standard screw.”

Me: “There is no ‘standard’ screw, I’m afraid. I need a little more of a description from you.”

Caller: *irate* “It’s just a standard screw! How many different kinds are there?”

(Now she’s done it.)

Me: “Socket head, pan head, oval head, flat head, hex head, carriage bolts, thumb screws, set screws, plow bolts, elevator bolts…”

Caller: “What?”

Me: “…stainless steel, steel, brass, titanium, plastic, aluminum, galvanized, black coated, yellow zinc…

Caller: “I’ll need to call you back.” *click*

(I didn’t even get to the drive styles! Hex drive, Phillips, slotted, Torx, square, spanner, five-point…)