I’ve just sold a medium-sized tree at the garden centre where I work. I’m ringing the woman up, and she tells me:

Customer: “And I will also be needing some dirt to fill the hole this thing’s going into.”

Me: “Certainly, madam. We have a large bag of topsoil for £2.99.”

Customer: “I don’t want topsoil, I want dirt!”

Me: “Topsoil is essentially dirt, madam.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t want branded expensive dirt. I want the cheap stuff! Dirt dirt!”

She thought ‘topsoil’ was a brand.

I work at an auto shop. A customer wanders in and asks:

Customer: “I need a transmission pan cover.”

Me: “Okay, sir, I need the year, make, model, and engine size, please.”

He tells me.

Me: “Thank you. It appears there are two different transmissions made for that vehicle that year. Does your transmission pan cover have fourteen or seventeen bolts?”

Customer: “Which one is cheaper?”

Me: “Well, the one with fewer bolts is cheaper, but it may not fit your vehicle. I would need to know how many bolts it has to sell you the proper one.”

Customer: “Hmm… well, which one do you recommend?”

Me: “I recommend you go outside and count how many bolts there then come back in and tell me so I can get you the right part…”

Customer: “…Alright.”

The guy actually went and counted and got the right part! He was super nice…  just probably should not have been fixing his own vehicle.

I was working at my mom’s new bakery in my hometown when a young mom came in with her probably six-year-old son, shopping for a birthday cake.

My mom always hated requests for fondant/sculpted cakes because people never took into account how much time they actually took to decorate, but this one request blew my mind, and I’ll never forget it.

This young mom whips out her phone and pulls up images of an elaborate Minecraft village made out of cake. It literally had buildings, landscapes, characters, and everything, sculpted out of cake, fondant, and probably Rice Krispies treats. It likely took twelve to fifteen hours and a lot of talent to make. 

My mom begins suggesting:

My Mom: “That level of detail would take a long time and increase the price. Do you have any simpler ideas?”

She looks at her son and says:

Customer: “Well, he wanted a village, or I’d have made it myself.”

My mom realizes her heart is set on this elaborate cake, so she asks:

My Mom: “Okay, well, how much are you looking to spend?”

Customer: “Well, I’m not trying to spend more than $50 on a cake.”

FIFTY DOLLARS. FOR A F****** 3D REPLICA OF A DIGITAL VILLAGE MADE OF PIXELATED BUILDING BLOCKS.

Even if you’re paying minimum wage for something that requires skill and talent, $50 doesn’t even cover the cost of a cake that takes four hours (after ingredients), let alone twelve!

After my mom gave her a three-digit quote, they settled on a single grass cube with plastic characters on top.

Customer: “I read online that the production cost for this frappe is only $2.89.”

Me: “Possibly. I’m not aware of the production costs.”

Customer: “So then why am I paying $6 for it?!”

Me: “The store needs to make a profit.”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “So it can pay to maintain the building… as well as pay baristas like me.”

Customer: “Ugh. You already get free coffee!”

They pay for their ‘overpriced’ frappe and come back after finishing it to get another for the road, as well as a slice of cake.

I remember back in the 2000s, I worked for a telecom store. A customer came in with an overdue bill exceeding $700 and a broken phone.

Customer: “I want to claim on your device protection to get another one.”

Me: *Looking into his account.* “Sir, you can’t claim. You haven’t been paying your bill, hence why your phone is not only disconnected, but you haven’t been paying for the device protection either.”

Customer: “Well, I’m not paying for a service that doesn’t work.”

Me: “Sir, you broke your phone. That’s why it’s not working.”

Customer: “Get me a new phone that works, and then I’ll start paying again.”

Me: “You need to backpay all that’s owed on your bills first, and you’d need to pay for a new phone as your device protection is no longer active due to non-payment.”

Customer: “I’m not giving you anything until you give me something!”

Me: “We gave you a phone and device protection. You’re the one who hasn’t given us anything for a long time now.”

He stormed out of the store, calling me various names.

He tried this again with multiple other consultants over the course of a few months. Each time he got the same answer and threw his hands up as he walked out, yelling that we were all:

Customer: “A useless pack of f****** c***s!”