Anchovy Versus Pineapple: Why Not Work Together?

, , , , , , , | | Right | July 17, 2019

(I am ordering a pizza from the local pizzeria. I am over seven months pregnant with weird cravings, and I’m moody after a tough day at work, not to mention very hungry. None of these are good excuses for my behavior.)

Me: “Yes, I would like to order a large mushroom, anchovy, and pineapple for delivery.”

Pizza Guy: “Umm, could you repeat that, please?”

Me: “Yes, I would like to order a large mushroom, anchovy, and pineapple for delivery.”

Pizza Guy: “Seriously?!”

Me: “Yes.”

Pizza Guy: *says with a laugh* “What are you, pregnant?”


Pizza Guy: “Yes, ma’am!” *hangs up*

(Of course, I feel bad about yelling almost immediately. By the time the delivery guy shows up, I have my apology ready and a good tip. As I am trying to apologize through tears, he stops me and asks me to eat a slice in front of him. I am so hungry that I do as he asks.)

Delivery Guy: “Lady, we had a bet that this was a prank call. None of us thought anyone would eat it. The pizza is free.”

(I tried to insist he take the money and he even refused the tip. I ordered — and paid — for several more of these pizzas about twice a week. Even now that my kids are in their teens, I still love mushroom, anchovy, and pineapple pizza.)

Roaming For The Answer

, , , , , | Right | March 6, 2019

(This takes place during the recent romaine lettuce recall before the CDC was able to trace where the contaminated lettuce was coming from. My boss overhears this snippet as he is walking by a table:)

Customer: “You would think that they would have this figured out by now, with the lettuce coming all the way from Romania!”

(We don’t know if the customer was serious or joking. Hopefully joking, but I have strong suspicions she was serious.)

The Only Reaction We’re Having Is Annoyance

, , , , , , | Healthy | November 9, 2018

(I work for a 24-hour emergency vet. It’s about one am; I usually get strange calls at this time of night.)

Client: “Hi. I was putting some flea medication on my dog and I think I’m having a reaction to it.”

Me: *thinking I misheard her* “Oh, he’s having a reaction to it?”

Client: “No, I am! My hands are breaking out, and I think my throat is getting tight.”

Me: “Oh! I’m sorry; you’ve called an animal emergency hospital!”

Client: “I know. You guys know what I need to take to fix it right?”

Me: “No, ma’am, you need to call 911 or go to your local emergency room; we only treat pets here.”

Client: “Well, that’s okay. If you guys treat pets, you know what I can take, right? I really wasn’t planning on going anywhere tonight; just tell me what medication you give to pets and I’ll just take a larger dose of it.”

Me: “Ma’am… I’m sorry, but we can’t give medication advice over the phone for pets, and we definitely can’t for people! You need to call 911 or go to the emergency room!”

Client: “You’re just being no help. Do you have a number I can call a different animal hospital? I don’t have Internet, so I can’t look up anything.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t give you another number for an animal hospital that’s open right now, but I would gladly give you directions to the emergency room closest to you! You definitely need to go to a hospital for people if you’re having a reaction, not animal hospitals.”

Client: “Fine, y’all are just no help! You know, you really should give better advice to people when they call; you are a hospital, you know! I guess I’ll just have to go to the hospital down the road and see if they can help me. I’m never calling you again!” *click*

(I was so mind-blown I had to sit and collect myself for a few minutes. She sounded like a normal, middle-aged woman, so I hope it was a prank call, but unfortunately I don’t think it was.)

They’d Love To Be Able To Ditch This Scammer

, , , , , | Right | November 8, 2018

(I am helping my friend out at his service business. They are having A LOT of trouble finding a suitable secretary. I used to be a receptionist, office manager, and customer service rep. I have to be at the office with all the other employees before six am. The phone rings:)

Me: “Good morning. [Business]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “I am calling to complain. My husband just got run off the road by your service truck! He is in a ditch now!”

Me: “Ma’am, are you sure you have the right company?”

Caller: “YES!” *screaming now* “He said he got the name and phone number off of your truck! You better send someone out there right now and pay for the damage!”

Me: “Ma’am, I think you must have the wrong company. There is no way it could have been our truck, because it has not left the parking lot.”

Caller: “Well, it must have, because it ran him off the road only thirty minutes ago.”

Me: “Ma’am, it could not have this morning.”

Caller: “Oh, really? And just how do you intend to prove that to the cops?”

Me: “Quite easily. You see, the truck is parked right outside the window next to my desk, next to my own vehicle.”

Caller: “Maybe it was taken before you got there and then returned.”

Me: “That is not possible, because I have been here for over two hours; plus, the keys for the truck are locked in my desk.”

Caller: “Well, I am just calling you to let you know it was your truck! I expect—”

Me: *interrupting* “Not likely. We have security cameras that have taped evidence to show that the truck has been there since yesterday afternoon when I took the keys from the driver and locked them in my desk. Good day.”

(I hung up. I figured out the woman was just trying to set up a scam to get money. Apparently she had tried it with several companies with trucks driving around town. I’m happy to report that she didn’t get anything but a visit from the cops.)

Not Party To Their Decision Making

, , , , , , | Friendly | July 16, 2018

(One of our friends is getting married and moving out of state. I’m at home one evening when I receive a call from another friend.)

Friend #1: “Hey, I was calling to let you know I’m finishing up at work and should meet you guys for [Moving Friend]’s going away party shortly.”

Me: “Huh? What party? Nobody told me about any party.”

Friend #1: “Oh, boy… Hang on. I’m going to call [Friend #2]. I’ll call you right back.”

(A few minutes later, he calls me back, sounding clearly annoyed.)

Friend #1: “So, yeah, it seems no one bothered to tell you about it because they thought you were working tonight. You might want to give [Friend #2] a call.”

(I get off the phone with him and proceed to call [Friend #2].)

Friend #2: “Hey, [My Name]. What’s going on?”

Me: “Dude, what the h***?! You guys are having a going away party for [Moving Friend] and didn’t think to let me know?”

Friend #2: “We thought you were working tonight.”

Me: “I’m off weekday evenings! You should know that!”

Friend #2: “Oh… Um… Well, the party is just getting started. You can still come out if you want.”

(By this point, I’m angry and a bit hurt, but I do decide to go out and join everyone at the party. A week later I go out to the movies, but I’m surprised to find that only [Friend #1] has shown up.)

Me: “No one else is joining us? I thought they wanted to see this movie, too.”

Friend #1: “F*** ‘em. They didn’t tell you about [Moving Friend]’s going away party, so I decided to not tell them about the movie.”

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