What A Weirdly Specific Scenario, Bro

, , , , , | Friendly | October 3, 2020

I open instant messaging to check what time my friend is free to do something.

Me: “Hey, bro. Is seven okay?”

Friend: “I think that’s the first time I’ve seen you call me ‘bro’.”

Me: “Yeah, a few minutes ago, I thought about saying, ‘Hey, bro,’ and then I thought, ‘I’m pretty sure I’ve never called him ‘bro’ before. Let’s see how that goes.’ I wasn’t sure if you’d even notice, but it turns out you totally did.”

Friend: “It’s very out of your normal way of speaking. It’s like the thing where, like, if it was you and your evil robot clone, and I had to shoot one of you, and you were like, ‘Hey, bro, it’s me, though,’ I’d totally shoot you. I’d be like, ‘Yeah, that must be the robot, I guess.'”

Me: “I’ll be sure never to call you ‘bro’ if there’s an evil robot clone involved.”

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Remember What Happens When You Assume

, , , , , | Friendly | September 20, 2020

A guy I went to college with becomes a local cop. We stay friends for years after graduation, getting together now and then for dinner and drinks.

When the riots begin over racist cops, he stops coming out, opting to either come to my house or invite me to his. Every time we get together, he tells me about how people are spitting on him, screaming at him, and calling him names, despite him never having done anything to merit their behavior. As time went on, he is less and less available. I figure he is working more or being more cautious.

Finally, one day, I call to set up our next dinner and a recording says the number isn’t accepting calls. I go to his social media and ask when he wants to get together.

Me: “Dinner this week?”

Friend: “No.”

Me: “Everything all right? I tried to call you.”

Friend: “We need to talk.”

Me: “Okay…?”

Friend: “You need to grow up.”

He also sends a screenshot of my page. It shows a post that says, “If a few bad cops do not represent all cops, a few bad black men do not represent all black men.”

Me: “I think we have a misunderstanding. That post is telling people not to make assumptions.”

He read the message and blocked me. I guess he didn’t want to talk after all.

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No One Will Ever Believe You

, , , , | Romantic | September 18, 2020

My boyfriend and I are chatting online about how people have a hard time telling some people apart. Being Korean, I admit to having had trouble telling some Hollywood actors apart at first.

Me: “Like, Tom Hanks and… that guy in Ghostbusters.”

Boyfriend: “Bill Murray?”

Me:Yeah! That’s him!”

Boyfriend: “Really? Bill Murray and Tom Hanks?”

Me: “Yeah. They look really similar to me.”

Boyfriend: “They do?”

Me: “Yeah! To me, anyway.”

Boyfriend: “I just don’t see it.”

Me: “They’re so similar looking!”

I start searching up photos of the two actors to show in comparison, and on a whim, I search, “Tom Hanks Bill Murray look alike,” instead of searching for them separately. I find a bunch of composite pictures comparing the two actors already made by others and start sending them to him.

Me: “See? I’m not the only one who thinks they look similar!”

Boyfriend: “I don’t see it… and who’s that old guy that keeps popping up, anyway? The one in the middle with the kid.”

Me: “That’s Bill Murray! I think?”

I follow one of the pictures to an article detailing how a fan photo with Bill Murray sparked a discussion on whether it was Bill Murray or Tom Hanks on a Facebook community, and I send the article to my husband.

Me: “It is Bill Murray! See? I told you they look similar. I’m not the only one who thinks so… Wait. You couldn’t tell it was Bill Murray? No wonder you don’t think Tom Hanks looks like Bill Murray! You don’t even think Bill Murray looks like Bill Murray!”

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The Passive-Aggressive Wheel Gets The Grease

, , , , | Working | September 1, 2020

I’ve been emailing a company back and forth, trying to get the tracking number for my package. They tell me they can’t provide tracking numbers for orders this small. I think that’s ridiculous. 

I forward the email to a friend, complaining about it. She hits reply to all on accident. I feel bad about this.

The company immediately sends me a coupon for 10% off any purchase. I really want to know why that coupon costs them less money than my tracking number.

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Just Play Solitaire And Say, “Mmhm,” Periodically

, , , , , , | Working | August 16, 2020

Since I started working remotely, my boss has implemented morning meetings via video chat. Everything he goes over in the meetings is sent out in an email right before, so it’s kind of a waste of time. Still, we met while we worked in the office — without the email sent out — so we meet from home. 

Boss: “Okay! Everybody is here.”

He reads from the email, pausing after each point to allow for questions and comments.

About fifteen minutes into the meeting:

Coworker: “Hey, [Boss], I gotta go. My kids are fighting.”

Boss: “Okay, just finish the email and touch base when you can.”

[Coworker] signs off.

Boss: “Right, so as we were…”

This continues every day for a week and a half; my coworker’s kids always start fighting or someone is at the door or something happens that [Coworker] has to go. [Boss] starts to get suspicious and begins asking different employees about [Coworker]. The next meeting goes as follows:

About fifteen minutes in:

Boss: “So, we should try—”

Coworker: “Hey, [Boss], look, I gotta go. The dog is at the door and—”

Boss: “I didn’t hear a dog.”

Coworker: “Yeah, my mic must have been muted. Look, I gotta go.”

Boss: *Sternly* “[Coworker]. You don’t have a dog, do you?”

Coworker: “Um…”

Boss: “Or kids.”

Coworker: “Well, I—”

Boss: “Sit down.”

He stared at the screen for a while before continuing with the meeting. I knew he wasn’t looking at me and I still wanted to squirm. I don’t know if anything else happened between the two of them, but my coworker hasn’t tried to get out of a meeting since.

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