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Another Troubling Case of Fumbling Fingers

, , , , , | Right | October 2, 2022

This is a text correspondence with a new client.

Client: “The logo will be a pig trying to catch a hotdog in its bum.”

Me: “That’s pretty racy, haha.”

Client: “I meant ‘bun’! D*** kegs!”

Me: “?”

Client: “D*** keys! Ugh, d*** it!”

This Strategy Didn’t Quite Hook Up

, , , , | Romantic | September 11, 2022

I have been modeling bridal gowns for fifteen years despite having never been married. After starting a job aboard a cruise ship, I have several men give me their phone numbers.

One man in particular has made his intentions clear; he’s looking for a hookup. He has asked me for a picture of myself. I’m not the hookup type and have told him once before, so to get my point across this time, I send him a picture of myself at a bridal gown fitting — no makeup, hair not done, and bad lighting. My line of thinking is that sending him the picture of me in a wedding dress will get him to ghost me.

Here’s what happens via text.

Man: “Wooooo, you are beautiful! That’s last night?”

Me: “That’s me in a wedding dress.”

Man: “You’re married?”

Me: “I’m not married, just wearing the dress.”

Man: “You look so beautiful!”

Me: *Out loud* “THAT DIDN’T WORK?!”

After facepalming, I told him again that I’m not the hookup type and the topic never came up again.

Techies And Engineers, Just D**king Around

, , , , , , , , | Working | September 6, 2022

I recently joined a new company as a software engineer. Following an upgrade to the version of the framework we use, we have had to update things we were working on to match the requirements of the new version. It’s trivial enough to do, so long as we catch all the instances where this is needed.

As it happens, I manage to miss one, as do the two colleagues who review and approve the code changes, which are then merged into the main branch. Happily, we are immediately alerted to the issue by the automated tests that run every time the main branch is updated, so the code doesn’t get released to the live product.

Since it’s such a small fix to implement, I work with a member of the IT infrastructure team to make the change directly to the main branch. He has the access; I know what changes need to be made.

We’re communicating via an Instant Messenger app.

Me: “You need to go into this file, to line [number].”

IT Guy: “Okay, found it.”

Me: “And now you need to change [text #1] to [text #2].”

IT Guy: “Yup, done.”

Me: “And that’s it — save the file and that’ll fix it.”

IT Guy: “Cool. It’ll take a while for the tests to run again. I’ll let you know if there are any issues.”

About ten minutes pass, and he messages again.

IT Guy: “Okay, all looks good!”

Me: “Great, thanks for your help. I’ll let the rest of the engineers know.”

A few minutes pass, and I’ve switched windows to work in a different program. Then, I get an IM notification.

IT Guy: “D**k!”

I’m pretty stunned. Sure, I made a mistake, but nothing came of it and it was a minor fix, resolved in less than thirty minutes. I tab back into the IM, perhaps wondering if the message was meant for someone else.

I then see that the message has been edited, with a follow-up.

IT Guy: “Sick!*”

IT Guy: “Whew, that was NOT a good typo to make!”

Uh… Is She Okay?

, , , , , | Romantic | September 3, 2022

My brother broke up with his girlfriend when she wanted to get married after three months of dating but he did not. A few weeks after, she sent me a message via social media.

Ex-Girlfriend: “Hi, [My Name]. Do you have a minute?”

Me: “What’s up?”

Ex-Girlfriend: “I’ve been doing some thinking, and I want to be honest with you.”

Me: “Okay…”

Ex-Girlfriend: “I have decided to break up with your brother. It’s a difficult decision, but we are not in the same place in our lives, and I need someone who is more mature.”

Me: “[Brother] broke up with you weeks ago. Are you okay?”

Ex-Girlfriend: “I care about him a lot and I know you’re very close. Because of this, I do not think you and I should be in contact anymore, either.”

Me: “Okay, then. Best of luck to you.”

She unfriended me, as well as my whole family. I asked my brother if they had reunited or something, but he said he hadn’t talked to her since he dumped her. I still have no idea what she thought she was doing by telling me she was dumping him.

Sooo Not Ready For The Internet, Part 4

, , , , , , | Right | August 30, 2022

An older lady who has purchased her first smartphone comes into the store.

Customer: “I need to know, who is Mimi?”

Me: “Uh… I don’t know, ma’am. Is that a person?”

Customer: “Yes, my grandchildren love her. They keep sending me pictures of her, but I don’t understand.”

Me: “May I see?”

The customer shows me a group chat that she is part of, seemingly a family chat. Most of the messages are memes with accompanying “lols”.

Customer: “See? They’re all different! How can they all be Mimi?”

Me: “Ah, I see. Ma’am, these images are Internet jokes called memes, not Mimis.”

Customer: “Oh, so Mimi isn’t the one in the picture, she’s the one sending them?”

Me: “Uh… no. It’s the name of the joke… format? Like a comic. It’s a picture joke.”

Customer: “Oh… I don’t get this joke, then. Can you explain it for me?”

The example in question is basically a fifth-generation meme that would require a deep explanation of Internet culture going back years. I see that it has been sent by the contact “Thomas – Grandson.”

Me: “I think it would be best if you asked your grandson, ma’am.”

Customer: “I did! He said I should ask you guys instead.”

Gee, thanks, Thomas!

Sooo Not Ready For The Internet, Part 3
Sooo Not Ready For The Internet, Part 2
Sooo Not Ready For The Internet