Berry Useful Trivia!

, , , , | Friendly | January 5, 2021

CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.

 

I have a fairly insatiable knowledge for strange facts. I’m reading a book about herbs and plants and things they have been used for in medical history. I come across a comment about raspberries being used to induce uterine contractions, alongside an offhand note that one shouldn’t eat large quantities of them during pregnancy for that reason. As a tidbit, it has stuck in my brain for years. I never thought I’d need it until this conversation.

Friend: “Oh, man, my poor relative. She keeps having false contractions. It’s been really bad. She’s still months away.”

A random memory comes to me.

Me: “Okay, this is gonna sound like a weird question, but does she like jam?”

Friend: *Long pause* “Yes, that is a super weird question… but yeah, she does.”

Me: “Is it raspberry jam, by any chance?”

Friend: “Yeah, actually.”

Me: “Has she been eating a ton of it lately?”

Friend: “I think so; she really likes it.”

Me: “That could be it; raspberries can cause uterine contractions.”

Friend: *Pauses again* “You’re s***ting me.”

Me: “Absolutely not.”

I pull up a few different Googled pages on it to refresh my memory.

Me: “I mean, it might not be what’s happening, but it might be worth checking out?”

You’ll never guess what stopped happening after that! Last I heard, the baby was delivered none the worse for wear.

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Jesus Wants His Birthday Presents

, , , , , , | Related | December 24, 2020

I’m not a Christian. Of my friends and family, my family is the only group that is Christian. I send out a mass text to everyone, wishing them a “Happy Holidays!” Here are the responses I receive:

Brother: “Happy Holidays!”

Friends: “Happy Holidays!”

My friends’ messages usually come with a note about their day, asking after my health, etc.

Dad: “Merry Christmas! I’ll be going to your aunt’s house for dinner. What about you?”

Mom: “Merry Christmas! Should I call now or later?”

Grandfather: “Merry Christmas! For Christmas, we are celebrating Jesus’ birth. We start our Christmas by going to church to celebrate Jesus’ birth. Christmas has always been about Jesus. Later, we will have Christmas dinner as we watch Christmas movies and open Christmas presents. Have a nice Christmas. Love, Grandpa and Grandma.”

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We’d Suggest A Shelter, But You Don’t Deserve A Cat

, , , , | Right | CREDIT: RyanBleazard | November 30, 2020

I own three cats which are all indoor cats and don’t go outside. I’ve had two of them since they were kittens and the other since he was about seven.

One night, I get a text message from a random number that I don’t recognize. It’s 11:00 pm and I’m sleeping, so I ignore it, but the next day, they send me a text message which proceeds to a conversation.

Stranger: “Hey, you have a ginger cat, right?”

Me: “Yes, what can I do for you? And who are you?”

Stranger: “Hi. Basically, your aunt told me you have a ginger cat when I called her — we are friends — and I was wondering if I can have it for my kid, as you have three.”

Me: “No, you cannot. I have had him since he was a kitten and I wouldn’t take a million pounds for him. He’s not for sale or to give away.”

Stranger: “Yeah, but I have a kid who really wants your cat. We saw a pic and he looks really cute! And besides, you have three. As I said, you can give up one. My son really wants it; he loves cats.”

Me: “Look, sorry, whoever you are, but as I already explained, it’s a no. I love all of my cats and it would break my heart, and his, if I gave him away.”

Stranger: “Wow, you’re so selfish. How can you get heartbroken when you have three?! And we have NONE. You’re being a f****** d**k and I’m a friend of your family, so it would be respectful if you gave one away. I don’t know anyone else with a cat like yours.”

Me: “Do you really think adding insults is going to further convince me? Also, it’s quite ironic that you suggest I’m selfish. I don’t see my cats as property, and I don’t even know you. In fact, no one could convince me to give away any of my cats. And if, somehow, I did accept (which I would never do for anyone) what would I exactly gain from this? Nothing apart from sadness that I lost one of my cats. Now stop with the childish insults, and don’t contact me further about this.”

Stranger: “Wow. F*** off, you child abuser! Now a child, MY CHILD, will be emotionally abused by the fact that he didn’t get a cat. You deserve to rot in prison!”

Me: “You are not entitled to my pets. If you really think I’m a ‘child abuser,’ then have someone come to your house, ask you to take your animal — or, in fact, even an expensive piece of property — with them saying, ad nauseum, ‘I have a child who really needs it.’ In your logic, you’re a child abuser if you decline such an absurd request. Maybe teach your children and yourself not to be so entitled that your demands hurt others.”

Stranger: “I’m telling your aunt that you were SO rude to me and being so selfish. I mean, you have THREE CATS and we have ZERO. You will see how sorry you are when she takes away all of your cats and gives them to us for compensation, d**k!”

Me: “I’m twenty-six. My aunt does not have any authority to take away my pets, nor would she agree with you. You should acknowledge that.”

Stranger: “Luckily, my friends aren’t a**holes like you, so she WILL!”

Me: “Okay, sport.”

She did not contact my aunt after all this, despite saying they would. I told my aunt about it; the lady had just said she had questions about cats, so my aunt didn’t suspect anything. She cut relations with the lady in response, and that was that. Apparently, they weren’t great friends to begin with.

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LANGUAGE!

, , , , , , | Friendly | November 2, 2020

As a rule, I don’t swear, to the point where people are surprised when I say, “Dang it.” My friends swear a bit, but this has never caused any friction and usually results in me jokingly telling them, “Language!” while they joke about me being an innocent child.

Me: “Fffffffffffffffffff—”

Friend: “Are you going to swear?!”

Me: “Fffffffffffffffff—”

Friend: “THIS IS A HISTORIC MOMENT! MY INNOCENT CHILD IS ABOUT TO SWEAR!”

Me: “FFFFFFFFFFFFFF—”

Friend: “I BELIEVE IN YOU!”

Me: “Ffffffffffffffffrick.”

Friend: “I’m so proud.”

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Someone’s Not Getting Any Dessert

, , , , , | Related | October 14, 2020

I am currently working from home. I’m near the end of an online chat with my supervisor.

Supervisor: “Oooh, I can smell cake from the kitchen.”

Me: “Yum, sounds nice. I’m not very good with cake.”

Then, my son yells out:

Son: “You are amazing with cake, Mum. Two seconds and it’s gone.”

Cheeky little bugger.

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