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Next Time Order Him Pink

| Working | September 26, 2014

(I’m responsible for buying equipment and try to buy different colours of gloves so they’re easy to tell apart.)

Assistant: “Hey, I still need new safety gloves.”

Me: “Yeah, you’ve mentioned that a couple times in the last month and a half. There’s a replacement pair in the cupboard.”

Assistant: “I know, but I don’t want those gloves. They’re gay.”

Me: “Wait. What?”

Assistant: “Look at them. They’re mint green. They’re gay.”

Me: “Take [Other Coworker]’s gloves, then. They’re brown and he’s only worn them once.”

Assistant: “Okay, I’ll do that.”

(I guess brown gloves are heterosexual?)

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Fire Breathing Dragon

| Right | January 31, 2014

(I work at a pet cremation place. I pick up a call.)

Caller: “Hello. Is this [Business Name]?”

Me: “Yes, it is. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Well, my son’s lizard just passed away. He’s quite upset over it and was wanting to get it cremated. Do you cremate bearded dragons?”

(I can hear her son crying in the background.)

Me: “Yes, we do. So long as the animal fits in the ovens, we’ll cremate them. I’m sorry about your son’s lizard. How old is he?”

Caller: “My son’s 15, but he’s autistic, and this lizard was his best friend.”

Me: “I’m very sorry for him.”

Caller: “Thank you. Would it be possible to bring the lizard in today?”

Me: “Yes, if you can bring it by about 2:00 pm.”

Boy: *overheard* “Mom, he’s breathing!”

Caller: *not listening to him* “That’s nice, honey.” *to me* “Should we bring the lizard in a box? We have him in a tissue box now.”

Boy: “See, mom?”

Caller: “Oh s***! F****** h***! He just thrust the lizard into my face and it’s moving! What the h*** did you do, [Boy’s Name]!?”

Boy: “I flipped him over to check his pulse and he started moving. He isn’t dead!”

(I can hear the boy laughing now, and talking to the lizard.)

Caller: “Apparently the lizard isn’t dead, and we won’t be bringing him in. Sorry for wasting your time. Have a good day.”

This story is part of the Autism Awareness roundup!

Read the next Autism Awareness roundup story!

Read the Autism Awareness roundup!

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No Pain, No Brain, Part 3

| Working | July 12, 2013

(My coworker is new, but his training period at the crematorium has already ended. Part of our job is taking remains from the retort and removing the metal screws/staples/handles.)

Coworker: “Ouch. Ouch!”

Me: “You okay over there?”

Coworker: “Yeah. This metal is still hot.”

Me: “Well, it just came out of a 400 degree oven. Wait, why aren’t you wearing your safety gloves?”

Coworker: “Bah, safety equipment is for sissies.” *continues working* “Ouch!”


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Six Feet Blunder

, | Right | October 12, 2009

Customer: “How much for two graves?”

Me: “Spaces are $900 each, ma’am, so $1800 for two.”

Customer: “There’s no discount for buying more than one?”

Me: “No, ma’am; because we’re deeding you the property, we have to treat each space separately.”

Customer: “So, what if I buy five graves?”

Me: “Because the spaces are $900 each, five would cost $4,500.”

Customer: “Never mind, I don’t want to go in the ground anyway. What about those little crypt thingies that look like New Orleans graves?”

Me: “A personal mausoleum crypt for two people runs at $13,000 including the name plating and vases.”

(The customer inspects our display model.)

Customer: “This thing’s pretty big. I’ll just buy this double one, and there will be enough space for all six of us.”

Me: “Um, no, ma’am. This is for two people. There is only space for two, not six.”

Customer: “I’m not stupid! You people are trying to rip me off! I’ll just tell my kids to put me in the backyard next to the hamster!”

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