Caller: “My phone went off and won’t go back on! And now, it’s threatening to arrest me or something!”

Me: “I’m sorry, it’s threatening… to arrest you?”

Caller: “Yes! It says I’m being charged with battery!”

Customer: “Hi, I have a few questions about this product.”

Me: “Sure, what would you like to ask?”

Customer: “I have no idea…”

(I work in a mobile phone store. An elderly customer comes in with a slider handset and holds it up so I can see the screen.)

Customer: “What does that little red arrow mean on my phone?”

Me: “It means you missed a call, sir. If you hold down the green button for a moment, it’ll show you who called you so you can try and call them back.”

Customer: “Oh, and the yellow box?”

Me: “That means someone sent you a message, sir.”

Customer: “Get rid of it, please. I don’t do messages. I only call people.”

(I oblige, clearing the message and missed call notification from his phone.)

Customer: “I think my voicemail’s broken, too. People keep saying they’ve tried to call me but I don’t get a message.”

Me: “Let’s see if I can find out why.”

(I call voicemail from his handset and the automatic lady runs through three or four blank voice messages. They’re the kind one gets if the called reaches the voice mail system and then hangs up before leaving a message.)

Me: “All right, sir, it seems people are getting to the voicemail and then just not leaving you a message.”

Customer: “That’s b*llocks. My friend says he always leaves a message for me.”

Me: “Well, let me check, just in case.”

(I call his phone from my own, let it go to voicemail, then record a quick test message and hang up. Sure enough, when I check the voicemail on his phone, I’m there clear as day, with the full message I left.)

Me: “Sounds like it’s working fine, sir. Perhaps he just hung up too soon?”

Customer: “No, I know him. He’s not that thick. I know it’s got to be your service!”

(After about a half hour of testing the service with coworker’s phones calling him, some on other networks, the problem fails to come up again. We all manage to leave messages without fault.)

Me: “Sorry, sir, but I think your friend’s phone or service has to be the issue here because your voicemail is working fine.”

Customer: “Are you calling him stupid? I’ll bring him down here. You’ll regret it then! He’s ex-navy!”

Me: “I’m just trying to help sir, there’s no need for threats. As far as I can tell your, voicemail is absolutely fine.”

Customer: “Well, how do I turn it off? I never check it anyway!”

(The prepaid phones we sell are displayed on a wall, with their price printed next to each phone.)

Customer: “Hey mate, how much is that phone there?”

Me: *glancing at pricing card* “One hundred fifty-nine dollars.”

Customer: “Can you do it for one sixty?”

Me: *speechless*

Customer: *looks at me expectantly*

Me: “Sure, why not?” 

(A manufacturer is running a promotion for the first batch of their smartphones, so some come with an 8GB SD card instead of a 2GB one. The box still says “Comes with 2GB SD Card”, but actually contains an 8GB SD card.)

Me: “So, here is your new phone, and here is the box. Inside you’ll find the USB Cable, wall adaptor, and an SD Card.”

Customer: *inspecting box contents* “Um, there is a mistake. I got an 8GB SD card when it should have been a 2GB card.”

Me: “Oh! Well, that’s excellent! That saves you some money!”

Customer: “No, it doesn’t! I’m being ripped off! [Company] thinks that we customers are so stupid and we don’t check to make sure we are getting everything that’s supposed to be included. Well, I’m not stupid. I always check the box to make sure they aren’t trying to trick me!”

Me: “Would you like me to give you a 2GB SD card instead of the 8GB card?”

Customer: “Obviously! Fool me once!”