(There are usually four to six employees behind the counter at the cell phone store, but today there is only one. She appears to be new and flustered, but is doing very well getting to everyone. I have been waiting for about 20 minutes before a woman in her late 20s and dressed in aerobics gear comes in. She immediately turns to a phone sales rep.)

Aerobics Woman: “Do I really needed to wait in the line?”

Employee: “I only really sell new phones, so I am afraid you will have to.”

Aerobics Woman: “OH. MY. GOD.”

(Five minutes go by, and the next customer is up. I’m about fourth in line now, and [Aerobics Woman] is sixth. She is grumbling and muttering things under her breath.)

Aerobics Woman: *shouting* “What is taking so long?! I don’t understand why I have to wait in this line.”

(Finally, it’s my turn. I’m up at the counter, and give the poor overwhelmed employee a warm smile.)

Me: “I’m so sorry you have to put up with this.”

(Relieved, the employee lets out a big sigh and her shoulders relax.)

Employee: “No, I’m sorry that it has been taking so long.”

Me: “No, it’s okay. I understa—”

Aerobics Woman: “Why does it have to take so long!”

(I decide I’ve been patient enough with [Aerobics Woman] and snap back.)

Me: “Are you five f***ing years old?!”

(As soon as I say this, everything in the store grinds to a halt. [Aerobics Woman] is looking at me wide-eyed, as I in turn am now giving her the ugliest glare I’ve ever managed.)

Me: “Are you seriously under the impression that your constant moaning is going to make anything you’re trying to do happen any faster? Do you have any idea how f***ing ridiculous you look right now? What the h*** is so d*** important that you feel that you have to b**** every five minutes for all to hear?”

Aerobics Woman: “I was on the phone to customer service, and they told me that in order to change my account password I needed to come into a store and show proof of ID!I got a new phone because I dropped the old one, and they told me I couldn’t switch it without my password, and I forgot it!”

Me: “Well, of course you’d have to bloody come in! I bet you have credit card info, address info, social security info, and all the rest on your bloody account. What if I called Customer Service, put on a lovely voice, and said I was you? What if I stole your phone, called the phone company, and said to them, ‘could you tell me what social security number you have for me, I want to make sure it’s the right one’? You should be thanking this poor woman here, all alone, having to put up with your childish whining, and trying to keep you from getting robbed. Now, shut up, and just wait your turn.”

(I turn back to the employee, and wink. On the way out of the store, another employee intercepts me on the way out.)

Other Employee: “I was wondering if I could talk to you. Customer Service is our number one priority here, and policy prevents us from being able to defend ourselves in a situation like that. On behalf of everyone here, I wanted to see if I could have your name, and give you next month’s service for free.”

(My father is having an issue with his prepaid cell phone that I haven’t been able to fix. I tell him to call the service provider. I am making dinner when I hear yelling in the other room, so I go running in.)

Operator: *with strong Indian accent* “Sir, can you please confirm your father’s middle name?”

Father: “What? What did you say? Speak English for the love of f***ing God!”

(Note: I have a head cold and am nearly deaf from the pressure in my ears, yet I understand the operator just fine.)

Operator: “I need you to confirm your security question, sir. Please, what is your father’s middle name?”

Father: “I don’t know what you’re saying! Why can’t you just fix my phone?”

Me: “Dad, give me the phone.”

(I proceed to spend 45 minutes on the phone with the operator trying to figure out what my lunatic father has done to his account. It turns out that he registered the account with his name and my mother’s information. The operator finally managed to fix everything and was just about to end the call.)

Father: “I want his name, address, and phone number before you hang up!”

Me: “Um… why?”

Father: “I’m going to complain about him. D*** foreigner needs to speak English! I can’t understand a thing he’s saying.”

Me: “Seriously? He just spent nearly an hour fixing the account you screwed up and you want to complain? What is wrong with you?” *to the operator on the phone* “Thank you for your help. I’ll handle my father from here…”

(Operator, wherever you are from, thank you for putting up with jacka**es like my dad. Not all of us are belligerent and bigoted.)

(I’ve been casually seeing this guy for about six months, and while everyone around us considers us in a relationship, he doesn’t want to put a title on us. I often joke with him that as soon as he calls me his girlfriend, I’m making it Facebook official. We are in love, but he rarely says it. For a combination Valentine’s Day and birthday gift, I am buying him an [Expensive New Phone] which he has been drooling over for a couple of months.)

Guy: “I freaking love you. Like, seriously, I mean that. I love you.”

Me: *grinning* “So that’s all it took for you to tell me you love, me sans alcohol?”

Guy: “No! Yes… I guess I should change our Facebook status now.”

Me: “Are you… did you… OH, MY GOD!”

Guy: *sighs* “Yes. You bought me a $500 phone, so I suppose I can call you my girlfriend now.”

(We changed our status that night.)

(I am sweeping, cleaning off all the phones and in the process of shutting the lights off. Two minutes before we close, someone decides to walk in. They want to do an upgrade and sign a new 2 year contract; this is a process that takes up to 30 minutes.)

Customer: “…I’m also looking to get a new phone on my plan.”

Me: “Great! Looking to do an upgrade on a current line or adding a new one?”

Customer: “Update or whatever you call it.”

Me: “Sounds good. Are you eligible?”

(I should have checked, but it’s late and I take his word for it.)

Customer: “Yep, I know which one I want. This one!” *points to a brand new smartphone*

Me: “Okay, let me get that phone from the back and I’ll ring you up right here.”

(After getting the phone, getting it set up and ringing it up, it shows the phone is full retail price because he is currently still in contract.)

Me: “Sir, it looks like you are not eligible. In fact, you’ve only had that phone for 3 months. If you’d like to purchase this new phone today, it will be $560.00 full retail.”

Customer: “What!? I don’t have that kind of money. It says right on the sign that it’s only $50! I only want to pay that.”

Me: “The $50 price is for customers who are eligible to upgrade their phones. They get a discounted price for signing a two year contract, like you did three months ago.”

Customer: “I never signed no f***ing contract! Now, give me the new phone at that price. That’s false advertising.”

Me: “Sir, my system won’t let me. You are not eligible.”

Customer: “You are just as greedy at Satan himself. Liars! I am calling the [cellphone company] president tomorrow and getting you fired and your f***ing store shut down!” *storms out*

Coworker: “Drinks on me tonight?”

Me: “Thought you’d never ask.”

(Many years ago as a student, I was too strapped to afford a contract for a mobile phone and so had a pay-as-you-go deal where you bought a voucher and called a number to add credit to the account. I had spent £20 on a card and found that the money had not been credited, so I called the company.)

Me: “I called the number and typed in the code on the card and my mobile number when the system told me to, but it’s not been added to my account.”

Employee: “Yeah, looks like that was credited to a different phone, sorry.”

Me: “So you’re saying someone else has been credited?”

Employee: “Pretty much.”

Me: “So, are you going to debit them and credit me?”

Employee: “Not really, why?”

Me: “Because I paid £20, your system told me it had been credited and then you gave it to some other random customer instead.”

Employee: “So?”

Me: “Can I talk to a manager?”

Employee: “Ohhh-kay!” *gets the manager*

Manager: “I’ve been following the call. How can I help?”

Me: “So, you know that you credited my £20 to someone else?”

Manager: “Yes, but you should have called back afterwards to check it had worked okay when you used the card.”

Me: “Wait a second: you mean to say I should have not trusted the automated message that said it had been credited fine and called back to check?”

Manager: “Yes.”

Me: “Okay… are you going to give me the £20 back?”

Manager:” Well, we’d have to debit the other customer’s account and we can’t do that without their permission. But I can give you their number and you can call them to explain the situation.”

Me: “You want me to call a stranger and explain all of that to them, then get them to call you and tell you to take £20 off their account and stick it in mine all because you made a mistake?”

Manager: “Basically, yes.”

(In the end I took the number and contacted the owner of the other account, trying my best not to sound like a scammer. After some understandable reticence on her part and some delicate diplomacy on mine, she actually agreed to call the company and the matter was sorted. All of this with little help from the people who actually caused the mess in the first place!)