Me: “Good afternoon, this is [Cellphone Store]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “I came into your store today and you sold me a defective phone!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. What is your full name and phone number so I can pull up your account?”

Customer: *gives information*

Me: “Okay, thanks. I see you bought a [phone]. What seems to be the problem?

Customer: “The keyboard on this piece of s*** won’t come out!”

Me: “Have you tried sliding it the other way?”

*really long pause*

Customer: “Well thanks a lot, b****! Now you made me feel like a f****** idiot!” *click*

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Customer: “Hello. I bought this phone from you and I accidentally got some orange juice on it.”

Me: “Okay, well, if it didn’t get too much on it, it might be okay. Is it turning on?”

Customer: “No.”

(I take the phone and it has a lot of moisture damage.)

Me: “It looks like there’s quite a lot of juice on this.”

Customer: “Oh, that’s not juice. I ran it under the tap to get the juice off!”

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Me: “Thank you for calling [Cellphone Store]. What can I do for you today?”

Customer: “I’m having a problem with my phone. Can I bring it to your store?

Me: “If you want to bring it to us, we’ll do our best to troubleshoot the phone. But if it’s physically broken it’s unlikely we’ll be able to fix it. If that’s the case we’ll be happy to look into options to replace the phone.”

Customer: “What would you consider to be physically broken?”

Me: “Just something like a broken screen or cracks in the casing, or any kind of moisture damage.”

Customer: “Moisture damage?”

Me: “Right. We can’t really do much about moisture damage to a phone.”

Customer: “Would that include rabbit blood?”

Me: “…yes.”

(I had activated a phone for a new customer with a standard two-year agreement. The next day, she comes back into the store, clearly irritated.)

Me: “Hi, welcome back. How is your new phone working?”

Customer: “You messed up my contract. You need to fix it.”

Me: “Okay, what is the problem with your contract?”

Customer: “You said I had a two-year contract, but on this paperwork, it says 24 months. You need to fix it.”

Me: “Ma’am, there’s nothing wrong with the contract.”

Customer: “Yes, there is. You said two years and this says 24 months!”

Me: “Ma’am… how many months are in a year?”

Customer: “Twel–oh…well, now I feel stupid!”

Caller: “Hello, my cellphone bill is more than it is supposed to be.”

Me: “Okay, I see that your bill is $4.00 more than normal. Let’s see why.”

Caller: “You had better figure this out. I’m not going to pay it if you’re trying to screw me!”

Me: “I see the problem, You actually called Canada.”

Caller: “I have nationwide calling! I can call Canada if I want to.”

Me: “Actually, if you have nationwide calling, you’re only okay in the United States.”

Caller: “So? Canada is part of North America.”

Me: “Yes, but not the United States…”

Caller: “What about Colorado?”

Me: “Yes, Colorado is okay.”

Caller: “What about… Vietnam?”

Me: “Umm, no, that would be a bit international.”

Caller: “Fine! I’ll pay it this time, but maybe you guys should be a bit more clear on what your national service consists of!”