(I manage an authorized retail location for a major cellphone company.)

Me: *to customer coming in the store* “Hello! How can we help you today?”

Customer: “I need to start new cellphone service.”

Me: “Great! Let’s just go over to my desk so I can get some information from you to get started.”

Customer: “I am so glad to not have to deal with those jerks at [Company we sell service for].”

Me: “Um, you are dealing with one of said jerks right now…”

Customer: “You mean this isn’t [Competitor with a completely different log, color scheme, and name]?”

Me: “No, sir, sorry.”

Customer: “Well, HOW DARE YOU DISGUISE YOURSELF AS [Competitor]!” *storms out*

Me: *to coworker* “You would think the four-foot letters over the door, the sign right there on the wall, the logos everywhere, and my name badge would have been enough…”

(I need to buy a new smartphone and I’m set on a particular brand. It becomes apparent early on that the employee is not the brightest bulb but we get through the data package discussion:)

Employee: “Right, all that is left to do is to choose a phone. You certain you want a [Brand]?”

Me: “Absolutely.”

Employee: “Okay, there are three colours you can have: white, blue, or pink.”

Me: “Go for white.”

Employee: *doesn’t even check her computer* “I’m sorry we are sold out of white.”

Me: “Okay, then it’ll have to be blue.”

Employee: “Sold out of that too, I’m afraid.”

Me: “So the only colour you have is pink?”

Employee: “No, that’s sold out as well.”

Me: “So I can’t get my phone here?”

Employee: “No, you can. You just need to choose a colour: white, blue, or pink.”

Me: “But you are sold out…”

Employee: “Yes, that’s correct.”

Me: “How am I supposed to buy if it’s not in stock?”

Employee: “You just choose a colour.”

Me: *getting frustrated* “Well, I clearly can’t as you don’t have anything!”

Employee: “You didn’t say you wanted something that was in stock!”

Woman: *slams a phone on the counter* “You’re going to block her, right now!”

Me: “Uh… Welcome to [Store], ma’am. Can I help you?”

Woman: *very slowly* “You’re… going… to… block… her… noooowww.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, I got that the first time. Who am I blocking and why?”

Woman: “Amber! She keeps calling my husband and I think he’s meeting her on the side! I want her blocked! I’ll pay you double if you trace her.”

Me: “Ma’am, we don’t trace people here. I don’t think it’s possible or even legal for us to do so, even if we could. May I see the number?”

(She pulls it up in her history and I feel a part of me die inside.)

Me: “Ma’am… that’s an Amber Alert.”

Woman: “I know! BLOCK HER NOW!”

Me: “Ma’am, an Amber Alert is a nationwide message sent to all phones telling people to be on the lookout for abducted children. You probably have one, too.”

Woman: “Isn’t she just stalking me?”

Me: “No, ma’am. She’s telling you to currently be on the lookout for a missing little girl named [Child’s Name], taken in a white Subaru about a day ago. The Amber Alert is not trying to steal your husband.”

(After much coaxing, the woman left, still skeptical and still eyeing her phone suspiciously. My coworkers still laugh about it.)

(I’m the staff member, and the idiot in this story. I am serving a very elderly couple (at least in their 90s) who are both very sweet and understand and appreciate how patient I am with their questions, as technology is not their strong suit. They begin to say their goodbyes.)

Customers: “Thank you very much, young lady; your customer service was brilliant.”

Me: “You’re welcome. Come back anytime with any questions. My name is [My Name] and I’ll always be happy to help.”

Customers: “We definitely will!”

Me: “Okay, guys; enjoy the rest of your days!”

(The look I received made me want to sink into the earth and die! I was so embarrassed! One slip of the tongue and I sounded like Lucifer announcing their deaths! I have yet to see them return.)

(The caller is doing a survey about my wireless/phone provider.)

Caller: “I just want to ask you a few questions.”

Me: “Okay, I kind of like surveys.”

Caller: *asks a variety of questions* “Now, about [Provider]’s billing practices. How would you rate them on a scale of 1 to 10?”

Me: “Billing? They send me a bill, and I pay it. How do you rate that?”

Caller: “Well, on a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate their billing?”

Me: “Um, I get a bill every month. Does that give them a 10?”

Caller: *chuckles* “But on a scale of 1 to 10…”

Me: “I can’t answer that question; sorry!”

Caller: “That’s all right. Thank you for your time. And you have a very evening!”

Me: “A … very … evening? Well, you have a very evening, too.”

Caller: “Thank you!”

Me: *sigh*