You’re Supposed To Share The Wealth

| Amsterdam, Netherlands | Uncategorized

(I am sitting at the cash register where people can turn in chips for cash or other way around. A guy approaches.)

Me: “Hello, what can I do for you?”

Guest: “I want to take out a loan.”

Me: “I am sorry, what do you mean?”

Guest: “I want to take out a big loan so I can play and maybe buy a car.”

Me: “This isn’t a bank, sir. This is a casino. We don’t do that.”

Guest: “This can’t be. I know your company has loads of money. I want to borrow some. I will pay the tax or whatever.”

Me: “Sir, we don’t do loans. This isn’t a bank.”

Guest: “This is bulls***! Money is money. What’s the difference if I borrow here or at the bank? I will pay it back. So what difference does it make? Don’t argue with me!”

(I press the red button under my desk to call security.)

Me: “A gentleman will be here in a second to work things out with you and your loan. Good day!”

At Lagerheads

| Mississippi, USA | Crazy Requests, Uncategorized

(A drunk guest comes down and wants their car but we refuse to give it to him because he is intoxicated. We call him a cab and ask if he needs his house key off his key ring.)

Customer: “Oh, yeah. I might need that.”

Me: “Okay, which one is it?”

Customer: “It’s that black one right there.”

Me: “Sir, that’s your car key. Which one is your house key?”

Customer: “No, really. It’s that black one.”

Me: “No…that’s your car key.”

Customer: “You don’t understand, I made it universal. It opens everything in my house.”

Me: “Okay, I’m just going to give you everything but the car key. Have a nice night, sir.”

Fake ID Is Always A Gamble

| Mexico | Top

(I’m a member of the security staff at a casino, and three men approach to me, one of them looking a little young.)

Me: “Can I see some ID?”

(The youngest one gives me an ID where it says he’s 22. I ask him how old he is just to check.)

Me: “How old are you?”

Customer: “17.” *pauses* “Ah, I f***ed up, didn’t I? I’ll just wait in the car.”

Ocean’s Negative Seven

| Bossier City, LA, USA | Uncategorized

(A woman walks up to my blackjack table, and sits down without putting any money up for her bet. I assume she’s waiting for the end of the shoe.)

Woman: “How come I didn’t get a hand?”

Me: “I’m sorry, you didn’t have your bet up when the cards came out. I’ll get you on the next.”

(When I get ready to deal the next, I tap the bet box in front of her.)

Me: “You comin’ in?”

Woman: “Yes.”

Me: “It’s a fifteen dollar table.”

Woman: “What?”

Me: “Table minimum is fifteen.”

Woman: “I have to pay to play?”

Me: “Well, if you win, I’ll give you fifteen more and you get to keep all of it.”

Woman: “What happens if I don’t win?”

Me: “At that point it becomes the casino’s money.”

Woman: “That’s stealing!”

Me: “No, that’s gambling.”