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Car-Free Makes Him Too Care-Free, Part 2

, , , | Legal | September 18, 2021

I’m the author of this story, and based on the reactions, I thought some of you might like this story of my dad.

This story took place a few years before the other story, when my dad had just started working at the hospital. To get to and from work, and around in general, he used a mo-ped, since he didn’t have enough money for a car yet. His daily commute would take him through an intersection with a very, VERY annoying stoplight for the bike lane. It. Would. Not. Turn. Green. At all. The intersection was a quiet one, so you can understand how frustrating it was to stand there, waiting, waiting, the minutes ticking by, while there was absolutely no other traffic around to justify the wait. Everyone who encountered that stoplight eventually gave up, looked left and right, and rode on, running the red light. No accidents ever happened, but…

Enter [Police Officer]. [Police Officer] knew about this stoplight and its annoying habit of staying red, and he knew that people would eventually get tired of waiting and run the red light. He would hide near the intersection, catch people running the red light, and fine them accordingly. Pleas that the stoplight was malfunctioning, that no-one got hurt, or that the victim really had to get to work, fell on deaf ears. They ran the red light and that is against the law, so they got fined. It was, in his eyes, a nice way to fulfil his fine-quotum. (Yes, this was a thing back then.)

Except my dad, on his illegally souped-up mo-ped, refused to stop for this guy after the first ticket and managed to escape his ticket-trap every single time because he was much faster. (My dad was, and in many ways still is, a brat with major authority issues and zero empathy who thought this all great fun. It was neither his first nor his last run-in with the law, but it was never severe enough to land him in court, except one time and that was deemed self-defence. Anyway…)

[Police Officer] was understandably very annoyed by my dad’s antics and became determined to catch him, which only made my dad more determined to escape him. He was unable to avoid that intersection. It was either too close to his home or his workplace; I can’t recall which.

One day, [Police Officer] finally managed to collar my dad and gleefully began writing him a ticket. Dad’s temper got the better of him and he ranted at [Police Officer] a bit, finishing with an insult that I think was rather inspired.

Dad: “You are a perspectiveless man in a perspectiveless job!” 

“U bent een inzichtloze man met een uitzichtloze baan!” It doesn’t translate too well.

Police Officer: “Yeah, whatever, here’s your ticket. Pay it within two weeks, or it’ll be court!”

Dad decided to be petty and wait until the very last day to pay his ticket… and it’s a good thing he did, because two days before the pay-by date, he got a nice, official letter. It stated that, because of the Royal Wedding between then-Crown-Princess Beatrix and Prince Claus, the government decided to pardon all minor traffic offences as a gift to the people. The royal house, and the wedding, were not very popular back then, so I guess they were trying to score a few points. So, because Bea got hitched, Dad didn’t have to pay his ticket. To this day, he still laughs when picturing the face of [Police Officer] when he heard about this.

That stoplight finally got fixed not long after that, and [Police Officer] had to find a new way to get his kicks. Also, just to clarify something: my dad and his coworker from the previous story were not medical staff; they worked in the hospital’s kitchen. Make of that what you will. Also, for the people wondering why my dad would tell his coworker not to insult cops when he did it himself: my dad has both zero empathy and a temper he can’t control well, so even though he knew insulting the cop would probably make things worse, he basically couldn’t help himself. And when it happened to his coworker, he just didn’t care.

Related:
Car-Free Makes Him Too Care-Free

Mom Just Can’t Look On The Bright Side

, , , , , | Related | September 18, 2021

My mother taught me to drive. This was fine, except she always complained that I was too far over to the right. I used the oil trail in the middle of the lane as my guide to where the middle of the car should be, but that was too far to the right, so I moved over to the left just to stop her from complaining.

Me: “Is this better?”

Mom: “You’re still too close on this side.”

I got used to driving with the left side of the car about an inch away from the left side of the lane whenever she was the passenger because it was easier than listening to her complain. It was uncomfortably close, but other drivers sensibly passed me with an extra bit of clearance, so I wasn’t too put out.

This worked fine until one day when we were driving some visiting family around, and my mother was sitting in the left rear seat.

Mom: “You’re driving too close to this side.”

At Least A LITTLE Discretion Is Advised

, , , , | Related | September 18, 2021

I am picking up my seven-year-old nephew from school. I ask how his day went since he looks pretty sour, and after a little pressure:

Nephew: “I was reprimanded in music class and told to write to not say swears in the classroom. It’s so unfair!”

Me: “Oh? What did you do?”

Nephew: “I was told to research and present some stuff about my favorite song, things like rhythm and style, and write what it is about, but the teacher got pissed when I sang mine. She didn’t get angry at others!”

I’m puzzled, and sort of not believing what he’s saying, but I figure it’s worth letting him tell the whole story.

Me: “Uh… but what song was it? Do you remember the lyrics?”

Nephew: “It was [Song], and I remember the lyrics! Listen: ‘Australian Aborigines lay down on the ground and, with a roar of fertility, release their c** into the Earth.’”

I freeze, a little startled by the… unusual choice of song, both because the singer it’s from is not the easiest of songwriters to understand, even for adults, because the sound is pretty atypical, and because, well, the lyrics aren’t the most appropriate. I stop close by his home, trying to keep my poker face.

Me: “Do you actually understand what that stanza is saying?”

Nephew: “Yeah! Aboriginal people sometimes lay belly-down on the ground, and then they spray the boys’ seed of life into the Earth.”

Me: “But you know what that seed of life is?”

Nephew: “No… Actually, do you know?”

I pretended to not know, as I wasn’t exactly thrilled by the prospect of explaining ejaculation like that, but I did get to talk with his dad. Apparently, his father — my brother — and his wife had decided to do away with parental control on media as soon as he started grade school… even if it meant having some very awkward talks with teachers about the child’s language and tastes.

Just Tell The Family You Went To Borders

, , , | Right | September 17, 2021

My mom and I are from Germany and we went to visit our relatives in Canada. They live close to the American border.

One day, we wanted to drive to a tourist attraction. There was road work ahead and our lane suddenly ended. I had to drive left into some kind of parking lot because I was unfamiliar with the road. We were confused and tried to get back on the road. I wanted to take a road that could get us back. My mom thought otherwise.

Mom: “Don’t take that road, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

I wanted to follow her advice but couldn’t. Then, we saw a strange official sign.

The next thing we knew, we were on a single road on a bridge going to the US. We were both horrified. There were cars behind me and I couldn’t go back. Fortunately, I was able to turn my car around and avoid entering the US, but we still had to wait in line to enter Canada — and without our passports; they were safely back at the house.

It was so embarrassing to tell the customs officers sheepishly what happened.

Me: “We took a wrong turn and never wanted to leave Canada.”

He looked at us sternly. We could only give our German ID, which he couldn’t read, of course. Then, we had to park and wait in an office. The people there looked also very unimpressed. The last person, finally, was really nice.

Worker: “Don’t worry about it; this happens a few times a week. But next time, please take your passport with you.”

We were really relieved. But we never told our relatives, although our trip was about an hour and a half shorter than planned.

The Art Of Showing Off

, , , , , , | Legal | September 16, 2021

One day, after picking up a few friends in my car, we happened to drive past an art gallery that had a display about art’s role in advertising and marketing. One of my friends works in that area, so he was pointing out some interesting parts of the display through my window to the other passengers as I was parked next to it waiting for the lights to change.

Just as the light turned green, a police officer started knocking very aggressively on my passenger side window. I rolled the window down and asked the officer what was happening. He pointed aggressively at my friend.

Officer: “You! Out of the car right now!”

As you can imagine, we were all very confused. As my friend got out of the car, the vehicles behind me were all beeping their horns because I was blocking traffic, but the officer closed the door as soon as my friend got out and wouldn’t let anyone else in the car follow. I asked him what he wanted us to do.

Officer: “I don’t care. Get lost.”

We had missed the light, so we had to wait for the next green light, at which point I parked in the first space I could find so that the cop couldn’t get me on a traffic offence. This took five minutes, and we were just about to get out of the car and go find my friend when he came walking along.

Friend: “Hey! Where did you go?!”

Me: “I’m sorry, [Friend]. The cop made us leave. We were just coming back for you. What happened?”

Friend: “Oh, you’re not going to believe this. He thought I had stuck my finger up at him. I told him that he was mistaken — I was pointing at the art exhibit — but he wouldn’t believe me. He asked me if I could prove my story and I was like, ‘No, you made my friends leave!’ I think he was trying to show off for his partner, because he asked his partner if he had seen anything and he just looked really uncomfortable and said no. That’s why he let me leave.”

Unfortunately, he didn’t get the officer’s badge number and decided to let it go instead of filing a complaint.