Learning A Lesson Very Suddenly

, , , , | Friendly | August 19, 2019

I am driving home one evening, well after dark. I am in a residential area, going just under the posted speed, when a car comes up behind me and begins tailgating me. They are so close to my bumper that I can make out the shape of the driver in my brake lights.

I pick up speed until I am just over the speed limit. The police in this small town will ticket you for just about anything, so I try to avoid going over the posted limit whenever possible. This person backs off just a bit, but they are still way to close to me for comfort.

I finally slow until I’m on the speed limit and decide, “Screw it. If he hits me, it’s his fault.”

Not even ten seconds after thinking that, a dog comes running out of the high grass on the side of the road and right in my path. I slam on my brakes to avoid hitting him, and the other person slams on their brakes, as well. Somehow, they don’t hit me, which I still don’t understand, considering how close they were following me. 

Once the dog is out of the way, I drive on and check my rearview mirror. The driver has let me get a good 30 yards ahead of him before driving on, as well. When I have to suddenly slow because of a pothole, he slams on his brakes, still a good 25 to 30 yards away.

Guess it taught him a lesson.

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Driving Through Clichés

, , , , | Legal | August 16, 2019

I’m stopped at a light at the end of the main thoroughfare through my town. Either direction, there are only two ways you can go: left or right. 

The way the intersection works is that those coming into town have a green arrow first while those leaving town — i.e. me — have a delayed green. There is no turn allowed on red, so even those turning right have to wait for the light. 

I’m waiting to turn right and am sitting behind another car. The light turns green but one last car decides to run the light and make the left, so we have to wait. The problem is that the moment the green arrow goes away, the crosswalk to the right becomes active and everyone walking across the road has the right of way. 

And wouldn’t you know, at the exact moment the guy decides to run the light, there is a perfect poster for why you yield for pedestrians — an elderly couple and a young woman with a stroller are all attempting to cross. The elderly man holds up his hand to wave to the car to stop, but the car ignores it and cuts in front of them. I’m thinking, “Wow, what a jerk!” when the car in front of me finally goes, so I turn, as well.

That’s when I see it. The problem is that right by this intersection is the municipal court and the police station. And right there, at this moment, is a squad car, who sees the guy run the light and cut off the people in the crosswalk. Not far down the road, the cop pulls him over. 

I retold my dad the story and he said the fines and penalties the guy would be hit with would be quite hefty.

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That Was Soda Good

, , , | Friendly | August 15, 2019

I am a traffic cop. One of my duties is catching litterbugs, and when I notice a can of soda being thrown out of a vehicle’s window, I immediately pull it over.

I prepare my anti-littering speech. When I look inside the vehicle, its occupants, seats, and dashboard are covered in soda. I decide this is an acceptable excuse… as long as they fetch the can.

The driver is very grateful.

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A Paperback With A Violent Ending

, , , , , | Legal | August 10, 2019

Late one foggy night, I was driving to my parents’ house on a rural road which, at that hour, had little traffic. I came across a car ahead of me going the same direction, well under the speed limit, that was slowly drifting from the left lane toward the right. I slowed down and the car eventually went off the road onto the shoulder and then, with a jerk, back up onto the road. Then, the car slowly began drifting from the right off to the left. Repeat. Crap, a drunk driver, I thought. Oddly, I could see the dome light was on in the car.

This was pre-cellphone, or I would have called 911. I waited until they were almost off the road on the right, then sped past in the left lane. I glanced over and the forking idiot had a paperback book open up on the steering wheel and was reading it. While driving. At night. IN THE FOG! I don’t think the guy even noticed me as I went past.

As I got ahead of him and just before he disappeared in the fog I could see him still drifting across the lanes…

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Overly OVERLY Protective Mother

, , , , | Related | August 7, 2019

(I’ve recently come out as a lesbian, and my religious parents are really cool about it. I’m hanging out with a female coworker and her husband, and I’m driving us to a local fair. Suddenly, a call comes in over my car’s Bluetooth option. I answer.)

Me: “Hey, Mom.”

Mom: “Hey, kiddo. Can you stop by later to let the dogs out? Your dad and I are going to your uncle’s house in a little bit.”

Coworker: “Ooh! What breed are they?”

Mom: “Is that a girl? Are you on a date?”

Me: “No, Mom. I’m hanging out with some friends and we’re going to the fair.”

Coworker: “Aww, baby. Haven’t you told your mom about us yet?”

Mom: “Well, at least you won’t give us grandchildren before you’re married. Use protection! STDs are an awful way to live.”


(My idiot friends were silently cracking up as I said my goodbyes and hung up.)

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