Hail Satan And Pass The Gravy

, , , , , | | Related | June 17, 2019

(My eight-year-old brother comes home from a birthday party.)

Mom: “Was there food at the party?”  

Brother: “Yes, Mommy, but I didn’t eat it because it was blessed by another god and I believe in Jesus.”

Mom: “Oh. Okay, then.”

Brother: “Yes, the lady kept saying it was blessed in Hell.”

Mom: “Did she maybe say, ‘Blessed Halal’?”

Brother: “Maybe. Why?”

Mother: “There’s a big difference. It would have been fine if you had eaten it.”

(My brother spent a birthday party thinking his friend was a satanic worshiper and they were trying to poison him with food from Hell. On the bright side, he was polite and just told the lady that he had already eaten. Gotta love eight-year-olds.)

How To Showcase A Total D**k

, , , , , , | | Healthy | June 12, 2019

(I am a nurse. I am invited by one of my former boyfriends to go to a movie with him and his current girlfriend. Since I have no current boyfriend, he says that I can bring a friend with me. I ask a former classmate from nursing school along. The classmate is black. After we are picked up, the former boyfriend starts making bigoted jokes. After each one, he will look at my classmate in the mirror and say, “Oh, no offense.” After about three of these, the classmate turns to me.)

Classmate: “[My Name], we had an interesting case last week.”

Me: *who knows a straight line when I hear one* “Oh, really? What happened?”

Classmate: “Well, we had a new patient on the hall, and as the charge nurse, I was the one checking him in. The whole time, though, he kept making remarks.”

Me: “What kind of remarks?”

Classmate: “Oh, you know. Sexual remarks.”

Me: “So, what happened after that?”

Classmate: “Well, you know at my hospital, nurses are required to insert Foley catheters. So, I was getting him ready for it, and he started making his remarks again. I proceeded with the intubation, though. But I’m afraid I made a mistake.”

Me: “What kind of mistake?”

Classmate: “I forgot to use any jelly.”

(There was an audible hiss from the driver, and the classmate looked up at him in the mirror.)

Classmate: “Oh, no offense!”

Gosh Darn Lefties!

, , , | | Legal | June 6, 2019

(I was driving to work over a holiday weekend when I passed a state trooper sitting between the north and south lanes of the interstate. He pulled out after me and came up so fast and so close that I couldn’t see his the front of his car in my rearview mirror. Out of paranoia, I checked my speed and saw that I was going less than five miles an hour over the speed limit. After about a mile, he turned on his siren. I was in the left lane with no chance of getting to the right lane because of all the traffic, so I pulled over to the left when we reached a place where I could do so without impeding traffic. He followed me over and stopped behind me, his car halfway in the lane. The traffic behind him had to quickly switch to the right lane to avoid rear-ending his vehicle. After a few minutes he came to my door.)

Trooper: “What in the h*** do you think you’re doing?”

Me: “I… I don’t understand.”

Trooper: “License, registration, and insurance. And just so you know, I have a body cam and microphone on me.”

Me: “Okay.” *hands over my information* “Um, why was I—“

Trooper: “I’ll be back.”

(The state trooper takes my information and goes back to his vehicle for another ten minutes before returning.)

Trooper: “Read over the instructions on your ticket and make sure you pay the fine.”

Me: “What did I do?”

Trooper: “You pulled over on the left side!”

Me: “I mean, why did you pull me over?”

Trooper: “You went to the left! You should pull over on the right.”

Me: “There was bumper to bumper traffic in the right lane. Should I have cut across traffic?”

Trooper: “You need to obey the law in a manner that is safe for you and the other drivers.”

Me: “Okay…”

Trooper: “You can’t just pull over where you feel like.”

Me: “I’m sorry. I still don’t understand. You pulled me over because…?”

Trooper: “You pulled over on the wrong side! Why is this so difficult for you?”

Me: “You’re saying you pulled me over because I pulled over?”

Trooper: “Don’t get smart.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I just don’t understand what the original reason was. You turned on your siren, I pulled over. Now I’ve got a ticket because I pulled over?”

Trooper: “It’s not that hard to understand.”

(And with that, he walked back to his vehicle and left. I fought the ticket in court, stating that the officer gave me a ticket for pulling over on the left, but wouldn’t tell me what I did to merit being pulled over at all. We watched the video of the event, complete with the trooper pulling out right on my bumper and how he refused to answer why I was being pulled over in the first place. When asked, the trooper still kept repeating that he was ticketing me for pulling over on the left instead of the right. The ticket was dropped, much to his frustration. I still don’t know what was going on in his head.)

I’d Like To Report Myself

, , , , , , | | Legal | June 2, 2019

I was driving along a stretch of road in the middle of the countryside quite late at night when a deer jumped in front of the car. Because the roads were narrow, I was run off the road and into a ditch.

The car wasn’t damaged, but I couldn’t get it out of the ditch on my own.

I called an emergency tow truck to come out and help pull my car from the verge. Then I called my dad.

I didn’t have to wait long for the tow truck to arrive, but the problem was getting my car out. There we were, stuck on the side of the road for ages, his orange lights flashing, my car stuck in a ditch in the pitch black. I think we were there for two hours.

The tow driver advised me to call and file a report with the police, “just in case,” as driving from the scene of an accident is a crime. I did as he advised, but the police station assured me that I didn’t need to come in as no other car was in the accident with me. I tried to make a report but was told I didn’t need to.

Just as dawn started to break, my car was out of the ditch and at the mechanics getting looked over. I promptly went to bed, exhausted and about £350 poorer, when someone knocked on my door.

It was the police.

Apparently, they had gotten a report from someone that I had driven away from an accident.

No one had seen my car or driven past on that dead stretch of road in the entire time I was there and there were no cars around for miles. I was justifiably confused.

I informed them of what the station had said when I phoned — that I was on my own, that no other cars were involved, and that I was at the scene of the accident for three hours total before I did drive away. I also informed them I was advised that I didn’t need to make a report as no crimes had been committed.

The officers phoned into the station. It turned out the “report” of me leaving the scene of the crime was my phone call, trying to report the accident.

I wasn’t charged and the officers left, slightly confused.

Get Ready For The Show

, , , , , , | | Legal | May 31, 2019

While in college I worked part-time as an EMT.

I will never forget this call. It was one of my very first Code 3 calls as an EMT.

It was during the summer. I had just started a few months before and we got a call of a Motor Vehicle Accident with persons trapped.

We loaded up, lights and sirens on, and we tore down the road. The call was only a five-minute drive without lights and sirens, but we made it there in about three minutes.

We arrived on the scene, and it turned out it was a minor fender bender. A young man about 17 or 18 tapped the bumper of the car in front of him after the car slammed on their brakes to pull into a fast food place.

The fire engine pulled up a minute later and they got out and asked me where the trapped occupants were. I had no idea.

We walked over to the car that was hit and we asked the lady who was trapped. She said her husband was, pointing to the man sitting in the passenger seat.

My partner walked over and opened the door, and the man started to complain about pain in his back, neck, and hips. My partner popped his head out and looked at me and mouthed, “He’s faking.”

It turns out they had just left the ER because the husband had cut his hand or something and were on their way home, and because of the medical complaint we had to transport him back to the ER. We decided since he was giving us the complaint of back and neck pain we would give him and his wife the show they wanted.

We got out the backboard, neck brace, and a huge roll of tape. He told us he didn’t need a neck brace or backboard. We told him that since he complained of back and neck pain it was protocol.

We put the neck brace on and made sure it was very snug, and then we put him on the backboard and taped his head down.

We transported him to the hospital and we told the triage nurse that he was a Code TM — Troublemaker. We ran six more calls that evening to the same ER over a period of nine hours, and they still had him strapped to the board until he finally checked himself out.

We found out later that the whole thing was an attempt by the couple to get a huge insurance payout from the young man’s insurance company, but the insurance company refused to pay them a dime.

The young man barely tapped their bumper. In fact, it was so light there wasn’t even a chip in the paint, so they got stuck with the towing fee — they insisted the car get towed to the body shop because it was undriveable — ambulance transport fee, and emergency room fees.

Because of the way she reported the accident by calling 911 and saying there was a person trapped, a huge response was made; three ambulances, a fire engine, several sheriff vehicles, and two highway patrol all responded Code-3 for a bogus call. She was lucky she didn’t get in trouble for making a false report.

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