This Is Why You Should Only Break One Law At A Time

, , , , | Legal | May 10, 2020

I am driving to work one morning and get stuck in traffic near the interstate exit lane. The lady behind me tries to switch lanes but hits my rear bumper. I get out and inspect the damage. There’s enough to justify exchanging insurance information. The lady who hit me gets out.

Lady: “Don’t call the cops!”

Me: “I need a police report for my insurance.”

In retrospect, I smelled alcohol, but the accident plus the rush-hour traffic have me more focused on exchanging information without getting killed than putting two and two together.

Lady: “Don’t call the cops! I’ll pay for the damage!”

Me: “Lady, I don’t know you from Adam. I can’t take your word for it.”

Lady: “I swear on my kid’s lives, I’ll pay for the damage! Please don’t call the cops!”

The police roll up without me having to call them because, you know, it’s rush hour and a huge line of traffic is conspicuous.

Policeman #1: “Please return to your cars.”

I get in my car and watch the following unfold via my rearview mirror: [Policeman #1] talks to [Lady]. He makes a call on his walkie-talkie. Another police car rolls up. So far, I don’t think anything strange is going on. 

Then, an unmarked police car rolls up. Then, a second unmarked car rolls up and a policewoman gets out. All the while, a lot of talking is going on with [Lady]. The policewoman handcuffs [Lady]. [Policeman #1] walks up to my car. After checking my license and registration:

Policeman #1: “You’re good to go. You can pick up the police report tomorrow after 9:00 at the downtown office.”

Me: “Oh, uh… Will that have her insurance information in it?”

Policeman #1: “She doesn’t have insurance.”

Me: “You’re kidding.”

Policeman #1: “No. She doesn’t have insurance. She just got off her shift at [Bar]. She’s driving on an expired license. In her mother’s car. Which has an expired plate and registration. That, plus she’s DUI, means she’s going to jail.”

Me: “So… I guess my insurance will have to cover this one.”

Policeman #1: “Yep.”

I end up going to her court date. I am still mad that someone could be that irresponsible. I am told to meet with the prosecutor and let him know I am there and why. I walk into an eight-by-ten office packed floor to ceiling with paperwork. There are at least four other guys in that office all working furiously.

A very haggard-looking attorney looks up at me and says, with a sigh:

Attorney: “Can I help you?”

I explain why I’m there, and he gets a puzzled look on his face, which I like to interpret as “Huh, an actual concerned citizen,” but could also be “What a dufus; I’m busy.”

Attorney: “You can go. We don’t need your testimony. She’s got some other stuff going on. She’s going to jail for a while.”

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The Ups And Downs Of Roadtripping

, , , , | Legal | May 7, 2020

I’m roadtripping with my mom and step-dad from my home in Florida to their home in Vermont, along with my best friend. We’re on the last leg of the journey and I’m driving while everyone else is asleep, as it’s around six or seven.

The roads are familiar to me but I’m not used to driving over hills, so when I crest a hill at speed, I’m unable to slow down enough before crossing into the construction zone on the other side.

Of course, I’m immediately pulled over, though I try to be as smooth about it as possible to not wake everyone else.

Officer: “License, registration, and insurance?”

I hand them over.

Officer: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”

Me: “Speeding in a construction zone. Sorry, sir, I’m not used to driving over hills.”

At this, the officer does a double-take at my Florida license, then walks behind the car and takes a good hard look at the Florida plate, and then walks back up to the window and hands back my documents.

Officer: “Is your destination close?”

Me: “Yes, sir. Next town over.”

Officer: “Carry on. Drive safe.”

Me: “Thank you, sir.”

I drove off just as my passengers were stirring from the talking and lack of car movement. I told them to go back to sleep and then later regaled them with my short tale of how being a silly Flatlander got me out of a nasty speeding ticket.

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Pump The Brakes On The Blame-Game

, , , , | Related | May 6, 2020

This happens before I have a cellphone. My little brother is learning to drive, so he hops into the driver’s seat and my sister goes into the passenger seat. I watch them drive away from my window. I notice the car is moving kind of jerky, but I figure it’s just my brother pumping the gas or something. Later, they come back home.

Sister: “You’ll never guess what he did. We got to the store and he noticed he had the emergency brake on!”

Our dad is a mechanic and we have always known that having it on while driving ruins it.

Brother: *To my sister* “I didn’t notice! You should have said something!”

Me: “Oh, I saw you drive from my window and the car was moving a bit strange, but I thought you were pumping the brake.”

Brother & Sister: “What?! Why didn’t you say anything?!”

Me: “What am I supposed to do, run after you screaming??”

Brother & Sister: “Yes! It’s all your fault!”

They still blame me for him not releasing the brake and her not telling him to. Even now, years later, I still have yet to figure out how it’s my fault.

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Sticking To Being A Litterbug

, , , , , , | Related | April 23, 2020

One of my older cousins — she’s in her late teens and I’m eleven — is visiting for a bit and we’re driving around with my mom at the wheel. My cousin is chewing some gum when she decides she’s done, she rolls down the window and spits it out. She’s extremely gullible.

Mom: *Gasping* “You shouldn’t have done that!”

Cousin: “What?”

Mom: “Spit your gum onto the road! You could stop a car!”

Cousin: What?!

Me: *Catching on* “Yeah! If someone hits it with their tire, it could pull the tire right off!”

My cousin is now looking rather horrified.

Cousin: “I had no idea! I’m so sorry!”

Mom and I can’t keep up the act anymore and start laughing.

Cousin: “Ohh! That’s not nice!”

Mom: *Between giggles* “You’re right. Sorry. But you really shouldn’t litter.”

Maybe that was a bit mean, but at least she spit her gum into tissues or wrappers after that!

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Come Under Fire From The Fireman

, , , , | Right | April 19, 2020

Coming back to work from lunch, I am cut off by a guy who stops in the middle of the road because a fire truck has pulled up to turn out of the fire station. He stops for absolutely NO REASON; the fire truck isn’t going anywhere code. It has no lights or sirens on, nothing.

I throw up my hands as if to say, “What the f*** are we waiting for?” The guy jumps out of his car and storms up to my window.

Guy: “I’m stopping because the yellow light is flashing! That means that they are pulling out, and legally, that means I have to stop!”

Me: “No, that light always blinks yellow to warn you to pay attention because they do come out of there quickly, and at that point, you are to stop!”


The fireman overhears the whole conversation and yells from the fire truck:

Fireman: “Sir, she’s right! That light always blinks yellow as a caution to pay attention, not because we were pulling out.”

Embarrassed, the guy hops back into his car and storms off. I follow him up to the front of our building where he parks and gets out and walks to our door. Realizing we are closed for lunch, he turns around right into me.

Me: “Can I help you with something?”

Guy: “Why are you following me?”

Me: “Sir, I work here!”

He won’t be a return customer!

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