Plays The Farting Part Of The Parting Fart

, , , , , | Related | February 25, 2019

(My mother makes the mistake of offering to pick up a lady from one of her church groups. From then on, the lady pretty much expects to be picked up and dropped off for their group and for church on Sundays. Dad is getting a bit fed up.)

Dad: “Can’t [Lady] get someone else to pick her up?”

Mum: “Oh, come on. We drive right past her house.”

Dad: “Yeah, I know. I’d just like to get to and from church without being farted at.”

Me: *laughing* “Farted at?”

Mum: “Yeah, she always leaves with what we call a ‘parting fart.’”

Dad: “It’s not funny! She has to sit in the front seat and it gets aimed at me every time, and then I have to lean into it because she won’t shut the door properly.”

Mum: “It’s not just you; I get it on Tuesdays!”

(About a week later, I am coming back from church with my Dad. He’s taking the lady home and, true to his word, she farts as she gets out of the car. I instantly wind my window down.)Dad:*winds my window up* “Nope, you can suffer, too. Next time you won’t laugh at me.”

Microchip Micro-Aggressions

, , , , | Romantic | February 25, 2019

(My husband and I have just dropped off our kitten to get spayed and microchipped. It’s important to note that we have other dogs and cats, and my dad is a narcissist who tried breaking us up several years ago.)

Me: “Let’s get the Bengals microchipped when we get their next shots.”

Husband: “Deal. Do they mark the ear to show they’re microchipped?”

Me: “I don’t know. I know dogs get tags.” *pauses and glances at my husband* “I wonder if they microchip husbands.”

Husband: *laughs* “Man found on side of road, bump on head. Doctors say his last memory was telling wife that father-in-law was right all along.”

Me: “Yep, that’d do it!”

Snow Time To Slow Down

, , , , , , | Related | February 22, 2019

(My parents and my two brothers and I go to visit my aunt and uncle in Texas for Christmas. We live in Washington state, but my parents decide to drive. We’ve stopped for the night in a hotel in Wyoming. At the time, my brothers and I are young enough and small enough that my parents just turn us sideways on the bed and things are usually pretty good. In the middle of the night, both of my parents wake up when they hear the thump of one of my brothers rolling off the bed. When no screams come, they both rush out of bed to make sure he’s okay.)

Dad: “He’s still breathing. Here, hand me that blanket, so we don’t have to try and wake him up. He’ll be fine here.”

(He grabs his pillow and the blanket and does his best to cover my brother up. My mom moves in to use the bathroom since she’s up. for an unknown reason, my dad heads towards the window and peeks out the curtain.)

Dad: “Get dressed. We need to leave now!”

Mom: “What?”

Dad: *turning on the lights* “We need to leave. Now!”

(Outside, the snow is falling pretty badly, semis are on their sides in the ditches, and the snow is piling up. My brothers are really heavy sleepers and don’t wake up, so my dad just carries them to the car while my mom has me help her get stuff packed up. We get into the car, check out of the hotel, and stop at a gas station to fill up and grab a case of water. Then, we get on the freeway. My mom turns on the radio)

Announcer: “We’ve just closed the highway at [Exit #1].”

Mom: “We just passed that.”

Dad: “Uh-huh.”

Announcer: “We’ve just closed the highway at [Exit #2].”

Mom: “And that one!”

Dad: “Yep.”

Announcer: “Highway has been closed at [Exit #3].”

Mom: “That one, too!”

Dad: “Yeah.”

(It turned out we were racing the storm. My dad was literally just ahead of it; when my mom and I glanced back, there was just this wall of grey chasing us. We made it out of Wyoming without getting stopped. Overall, it took us about two and a half days to get to my aunt and uncle’s house. We avoided Wyoming on the way home… just in case.)

It’s Women That Drive The Relationship

, , , , | Romantic | February 20, 2019

(My husband and myself are driving along a dirt road when I notice an odd noise.)

Me: “There’s an odd noise on my side of the car; it’s like something is scraping.”

Husband: “I can’t hear a thing.”

Me: “It’s coming from the passenger side front wheel and it gets louder when you use the brakes.”

Husband: “We are on a dirt road; how would you hear anything? Just your imagination.”

(He won’t listen to me when I keep complaining about the noise for the next couple of weeks; he still can’t hear a thing. We need to get a registration inspection and tune-up done; we always get a mobile mechanic to come to our home.)

Mechanic: “Okay, I just need to duck off and get some new spark plugs. Is there anything else you can think of that might need doing?”

Me: “There’s a noise in the front passenger side wheel.”

Mechanic: “I just took it for a drive and didn’t hear a thing.”

Me: “I keep hearing a scrape coming from there; I think it’s the brakes.”

Mechanic: “Okay, your brakes are well within specifications–” *shows me the printout from the test he performed* “–but if it makes you happy, I’ll take a quick look at them.” *takes the wheel off to examine the pads and disks.* “Oh, my God! You were right about the brakes; the brake pad is so worn that it’s almost metal on metal. How on earth did you hear that?”

(He completes the service and I pay the bill.)

Mechanic: “Oh, if your husband says anything about the extra charge for the brakes, tell him I think his wife has bloody good hearing and that she probably saved his life, because those brakes wouldn’t have lasted a month. I’ll leave you the old pads to prove it.”

(My husband still won’t believe me and tells me that the mechanic was just humouring me because I am a woman and got extra money for nothing. My dad turns up, and my husband shows him the brake pads.)

Husband: “What do you think of these?”

Dad: *gasps* “I’ve never seen such badly worn pads in my life! You’re lucky, because I don’t think they would have lasted two more weeks.”

(That finally shut him up, but it had to come from a man because women don’t know anything about cars.)

Gossip Girls

, , , | Related | February 18, 2019

(My sister and her friend are big gossips. I have the misfortune of missing the bus and my sister is the only available driver on short notice.)

Sister: “So, how was your cousin’s wedding? “

Sister’s Friend: “It was nice. During the reception, the groom snuck up the bride’s poofy gown.”

Sister: “Someone decided to start the honeymoon early.”

Me: *trying to find my headphones*

Sister’s Friend: “Speaking of which, I heard you and [Sister’s Husband] are trying to conceive.”

Sister: “Yeah. We had trouble conceiving normally, so we’re trying other methods. Yesterday, he went to the sperm bank and we ended up having phone sex.”

(That’s just a small portion of a thirty-minute car ride that seemed much longer. I forgot my headphones. Lesson learned, wake up early…)

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