(My boyfriend often makes corny jokes. We go apple picking, but when we get to the park, the apples on the trees aren’t ripe yet.)

Boyfriend: “So, would you say that was a fruitless journey?”

(I can only sigh heavily.)

(My mother has a doctorate, but decided to stay home and take care of me and my baby brother. She is now considering going back to work, and has found a job she has decided to apply for.)

Mom: “So I’ve decided I don’t just want to be a mother anymore, even though you two are great.”

Brother: *suddenly close to tears* “You’re sending us to an orphanage?!”

(My mother and I crack up, leaving my brother very confused.)

(My family is going home from a soccer game. We’ve come from two different locations so we have two cars, and I’ve decided to drive home with my Mom. It’s a sunny day, so she’s wearing her sunglasses.)

Mom: “Can you do me a favor? When we get home, can you remind me that I’m still wearing my sunglasses? Otherwise I’ll just forget to take them off.”

Me: “Okay.”

Dad: *to me* “I just remembered, we have some errands to run, don’t we? Do you want to go do them now?”

Me: “Okay.”

(Dad and I head off to go do errands in one car while my mom drives home in the other. We’ve driven about fifteen minutes.)

Me: “Dad, can I borrow your phone?”

Dad: “Sure. What for?”

Me: “I need to call mom.”

(I dial the house number and get the answering machine.)

Me: “Hi mom, it’s me. If you’re wondering why it’s so dark, it’s because you’re still wearing your sunglasses. Bye!”

(Later, when we get home.)

Mom: “Oh, I’m so glad you called! I had just sat down to listen to the answering machine, and I was wondering why everything was so dark!”

(It is the night before Valentine’s Day. My husband and I are driving through a store’s parking lot. My husband will often talk about me as though someone else is there and I’m not in the room.)

Me: *looking out the window* “Ha, look at this guy walking out of the store.”

Husband: “What? Which guy?”

Me: “The one with the big-a** bouquet of flowers and the shopping bag stuffed to the breaking point with pink. Nothing like waiting until the last minute, buddy.”

Husband: “Yeah.”

(He pauses for a moment.)

Husband: “My wife’s hotter than his girlfriend.”

Me: “How do you know? She wasn’t with the guy.”

Husband: “My wife wanted Arby’s for Valentine’s Day!”

Husband: “I hate ‘That girl is on FIIIIIREEE’ song. I keep hearing it on the radio.”

Me: “Dude, obviously, you didn’t read my status when I mentioned I hated that song because my coworker had it on repeat. I hate that song.”

Husband: “No, No I didn’t.”

(Twenty minutes later, my husband and I are arguing about him stealing the blankets.)

Me: “And then you pushed the blankets under you and pulled all of them off me!”

Husband: “Whatever, Katniss!”

Me: “Katniss?”

Husband: “You know, because,” *singing* “…that girl is on FIII-YAH!”

Me: “Ooh, literary burn.”