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Not A Pretty Slight

| Romantic | September 22, 2011

(At the grocery store, a boy at the seafood counter is very flirty and smiling constantly. Here’s what happens when I return to the car with my boyfriend.)

Me: “Jesus, baby, the guy in there was looking at me like I was the prettiest girl in the world!”

Boyfriend: “Must have been a slow day!”

Settling For Yes

| Romantic | September 21, 2011

(I’m talking to my mom about her marriage to my stepdad.)

Me: “I’m glad stepdad and I finally got you to say yes to marrying him, mom. We only had to ask six times!”

Mom: “Yeah, well…”

Me: “So, what made you change your mind?”

(A dreamy, in-love look comes across my mom’s face.)

Mom: “I just finally realized that he was the best I could do.”

Me: *trying not to laugh* “I probably wouldn’t tell him that, mom…”

Beer Is Sold On A Case By Case Basis

, , , , , | Right | March 23, 2011

Me: “Hi, welcome to [Drive-In]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah. I’d like a deluxe burger and a fry.”

Me: “Did you want to make that a combo today, and add a drink for only fifty cents more?”

Customer: “Well, shoot! Yeah, give me a beer.”

Me: “Sir, this is a drive-in. We don’t serve beer.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Because this is a drive-in. It’s illegal to drink and drive.”

Customer: “I bet you’d get a lot more business if you sold beer.”

Almost Makes You Want To Re-Tire

, , , | Right | January 27, 2010

Customer: “They charged me $110 for working on my car?!”

Me: “What did you have done?”

Customer: “I just came because the car said service was needed on the car.”

Me: “Yes, you got an oil change and tire rotation, state inspection, and a car wash.”

Customer: “Tire rotation? Aren’t they always, like, rotating as I drive?”

Me: “Yes, but the tires are removed and swapped; the tires on the rear are moved to the front, and the fronts to the rear. It’s to help the tires wear out evenly.”

Customer: “They wear out?”

Me: “Eventually, yes. They do.”

Customer: “Why?”

(I try to describe traction, friction, and the breakdown of soft compounds like tire tread over concrete.)

Customer: *blank stare* “Isn’t my car pretty?”

(As the customer leaves, they pull on the door about three times before they see the push sign.)


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Car Parked, Brain In Neutral

, , , | Right | January 1, 2010

Customer: “Hi, um, my car was stolen.”

Me: “Well, okay, let’s go out and see where you’re parked.”

(We walk into the parking lot.)

Me: “Okay, where did you park?”

Customer: “Right there, where the Prius is parked! God d*** tree-hugging Democrat piece of s***!”

Me: “Okay, well, let’s go inside and call the police.”

(While we wait for the police to come she makes some phone calls and then comes back into the office.)

Customer: “Sorry, never mind. Turns out I drove the Prius today and not the Honda.”


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