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He Auto Know Better

, , , , | Right | July 6, 2009

(We take calls from all over the USA and Canada from people needing roadside assistance. This particular call was taken by a coworker.)

Coworker: “What is wrong with your vehicle that you need it towed?”

Customer: “I put it up on a flat.”

Coworker: “I’m sorry? You put it up on a flat…?”

Customer: “Yeah. I put it up on a flat.”

Coworker: “What exactly is wrong with it?”

Customer: “I put it up on a flat! You know, I have a dead battery and three flat tires.”

Coworker: “Oh, okay. Is that vehicle a two-wheel-drive or a four-wheel-drive?”

Customer: “It’s a one-wheel drive. I told you I had three flat tires! Do you know anything about cars?!”

Open Sesame (Bun)

, , , | Right | June 16, 2009

(I’m collecting carts from the parking lot. A woman abandons her cart near her car, so I go to pick it up. Note that she’s also munching on some bread.)

Customer: “Oh! I think I locked my keys in the car.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Please feel free to come inside and use the phone to call a locksmith or someone that can bring you another key.”

Customer: “Look! The window is open just a little.”

Me: “Unfortunately, I can’t help you get into the vehicle unless you are able to prove that it’s yours. I’d recommend calling a locksmith because that opening seems too small.”

Customer: *ignores me* “Maybe if I can just get something in?”

(The woman rips a piece of bread off the loaf she is eating and stuffs it in through the car window.)

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t know how that is going to help.”

Customer: “I thought… maybe if I could just get something in there?”

Every Valet’s Dream Come True

, , , , , | Right | June 8, 2009

(A man pulls into the parking lot with a beautiful 1972 Rolls Royce. As a general rule, when someone comes in with a car that nice I just let them park it themselves right upfront. This conversation takes place as he is leaving the restaurant.)

Customer: “I need you to pull my car around for me.”

Me: “I never took the keys from you.”

Customer: “The keys are in the ignition. Please go get my car.”

Me: “Well, if you insist…”

(I pull the car around VERY carefully.)

Customer: “That was completely unacceptable. I want you to drive around again, only this time when you start off, do a burnout!”

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Outlaws In Utero

, , , , | Right | June 5, 2009

Caller: “I want to complain. I was driving in the carpool lane and I got a ticket, but I’m pregnant with twins, so they count as two passengers!”

Me: “Um… I don’t think the policeman would have any way of knowing that…”

Caller: “But I showed him a picture from my ultrasound!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I’m pretty sure passengers have to be outside of your body.”

Caller: “Oh!”

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Friends Don’t Let Friends Drive Sunny Side Up

, , , | Right | June 1, 2009

(A woman returns to our car wash with a scowl on her face, fifteen minutes after leaving. Note that she drives a black Beetle and it’s been 80 degrees with sunny skies for the past week.)

Me: “Hi, welcome back!”

Customer: “Yeah, I’d like to speak with your owner, please.”

Me: “He’s having a conference call right now. Is there something I can help you with?”

Customer: “Yeah, my car is still dirty.”

Me: “Oh, did the mud not wash off the back?”

Customer: “There was no mud. The egg didn’t wash off the roof of my car.”

Me: “Um, someone egged your car? How long has the egg been there?”

Customer: “A week or so, but that’s not the point. It didn’t wash off!”

Me: “Ma’am, the egg is baked into your paint. It’s never going to wash off.”

Customer: “What?! It’s just a f****** egg! My car is not a god-d*** frying pan! It was some friends playing a joke… Just wash it off!”

Me: “Ma’am, the egg is baked on. You have to get it repainted. Whoever egged your car is no friend of yours.”

(The customer suddenly gets very quiet and glares at me.)

Customer: *whispers* “Who have you been talking to?”

(The customer pointed her finger at my face and began to slowly back out the door. She then sat in her car and slowly drove off… without breaking her stare.)