(My mom takes both my friend and I home from school sometimes. Today she is on the phone with my grandma, talking about the staff at the nursing home. My mom’s speakerphone is on.)
Mom: “Oh, you mean [name]?”
Grandma: “Yes, her. She’s the really tall one with the huge hips that look like they don’t belong to her.”
Mom: “Mom, you’re on speakerphone, and there’s two teenage boys in the car listening.”
Grandma: “Yes, she’s very…nice.”
(My boyfriend and I are driving. He has helped me to grow as a person, and I am trying to express that to him. I am notoriously unromantic.)
Me: “Thank you, so much.”
Boyfriend: “For what, honeysuckle?”
Me: “Everything. Before you came into my life, I was a lost puppy. You have helped me grow into an amazing person.”
Boyfriend: “Aw, that’s sweet!”
(He has a big smile one his face.)
Me: “I truly feel like you are the other half of me, the one that makes my world go round. The one that I want to see first thing in the morning, and all that crap.”
(He starts laughing.)
Boyfriend: “You almost had it, babe.”
Me: “You know it was honest, right?”
(My sister, toddler nephew, mother and I are all in a vehicle together. I’m 7 1/2 months pregnant.)
Sister: “Hey, what kind of birth control are you on?”
Me: *blinks* “Pregnancy? You can’t get pregnant if you’re already pregnant.”
Sister: “Wow, I can’t believe I actually asked you that.”
(My boyfriend has just met my sister and cousin for the first time. We are driving in his car to go out to eat.)
Cousin: “So, how did you two meet?”
Me: “He spilled root beer on me in the Student Union and then we started talking.”
Sister: “Oh, yeah? He ‘spilled’ root beer on you?”
Cousin: “Oh, yeah, cute girl! I better go spill a drink on her!”
Boyfriend: “Well, I was aiming at the hotter girl next to her.”
(He was kidding, so we all laughed. That is how he got the family approval, because he is just as sarcastic as the rest of us.)
(I am in the car, about to drive my boyfriend to the bus station. It’s about 4:30 am in November, so it’s extremely cold outside.)
Me: “Geez, babe, it sure is cold out here.”
Boyfriend: “Yeah, it is.”
Me: “You know, with how hot you are and all, you’d think your hotness would’ve radiated and warmed everything up!”
Boyfriend: “Really? If you need to be warm, I can fart…”
Me: *facepalm*
