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She Finally Clicked

| Related | November 21, 2012

(My Mom and I have just gotten out of a driving seminar, and she’s quizzing me on what we learned.)

Mom: “So, how are you supposed to hold the wheel?”

Me: “4 and 8. Mom—”

Mom: *interrupting* “And how many passengers are you allowed to have in the car at one time?”

Me: “One until I’m eighteen, after that three until I’m twenty. Mom—”

Mom: “And are you allowed to even answer a phone while driving?”

Me: “No, but Mom—”

Mom: “Stop interrupting me!”

Me: “But you’re not wearing a seatbelt.”

Mom: “Oh.”

I Love You, Ew

| Romantic | November 7, 2012

(I’ve been seeing this guy for a few months, and while we have spent a lot of time together, we haven’t said ‘I love you’ yet. He is opening my car door for me; we are laughing and joking as I sit in the car.)

Him: *out of nowhere* “I love you.”

(Both of our eyes get as big as saucers. Before I even have a chance to react, he puts his hand on the side of my head, pushing me the rest of the way in the car.)

Him: “Go away. I said nothing.”

Can’t Hear You, You’re Cutting Up

| Related | October 30, 2012

(My sister is talking to me on the phone while driving to class after work in the morning. We’re discussing how to do Thanksgiving with our parents. Note that we’re both using hands-free devices.)

Sister: “Nice signal, you stupid mother-f***er! Why don’t you learn to drive, you a**?”
*to me* “So, I was thinking I could pick up a small-ish turkey on my way home on Wednesday night.”

Me: “You don’t work Wednesdays, do you?”

Sister: “No, that’s my social—DON’T CUT ME OFF AND THEN GO 20 MILES UNDER THE SPEED LIMIT YOU STUPID—night of the week, so I’m thinking that since Mom usually puts the turkey in a brine bath the night before.”

Me: “.That’s a really good idea.”

Sister: “Yeah, and—BLINKER MOTHER-F***ER, YOU’RE GONNA HURT SOMEBODY!—my thought is by Wednesday night, all that’ll be left are the smallish ones anyway so it should work out. And I can pick up whatever else we—GREEN MEANS GO!—need today on my way home from class before I go to bed.”

Me: “…Where are you?”

Sister: “Near the college, why?”

Me: “Do people over there just not know how to drive or something?”

Sister: “I’ve seen this guy before. He talks on his phone without hands-free, cuts people off, and then no matter what happens, he glares at you like it’s your fault.”

Me: “Wow. I wonder what’s going to happen to him.”

(Suddenly, I hear a distant crashing sound over the phone.)

Me: “Are you okay!?”

Sister: *laughing* “You have the creepiest timing ever…”

(It turns out the guy she had been yelling at ran a stop sign, and got t-boned by another car. He was okay, but his car sure wasn’t! Maybe now he’ll learn to drive!)

Everyone Wants A Driven President

| Related | October 22, 2012

(My mom and I are on our way home. It is the day of the Presidential debate between Obama and Romney. It is taking place nearby, so a lot of the local roads are blocked. This is making my mom irritated, since she keeps having to find a new route to take.)

Mom: “Why do they need to block so many roads?! Don’t they know how inconvenient this is to us?!”

Me: “Mom, they just want to keep the President as safe as possible. It’s only for today anyways.”

Mom: “I bet it’s because the President is a lousy driver! Can’t go a few miles without hitting something.”

Me: “Mom… you do realize the President doesn’t drive himself to these places, right?”

Mom: *embarrassed* “What? Oh, of course I know that!”

Less Is More, More Or Less

| Romantic | October 18, 2012

Fiancé: “I love you.”

Me: “I love you more!”

(I’m expecting him to respond with some sort of challenge… but no.)

Fiancé: *pause* “That’s probably true.”