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It Was All Just A Blur

, , , , | Legal Right | October 8, 2009

Me: “All right, ma’am, have had any accidents or violations in the last three years?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Me: “Well, do you remember getting pulled over for any reason?”

Customer: “I already told you, I don’t know. Now, how much is the insurance?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but before I could know what the rate is, I have to know what your driving history is.”

Customer: “What does it matter? Just throw on a speeding ticket or two and call it a day!”

Me: “Okay. I can do that, but just keep in mind that the quote is only based on the information you provide. If your motor vehicle record comes back different, that could drastically affect the rate.”

Customer: “Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is it?”

Me: “It comes out to $106 a month.”

Customer: “Fine! I’ll take it.”

(I then go to run the reports since she is ready to purchase the policy and find out she has had two DUIs in the past three years, two speeding tickets, one accident, and a suspended license.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but the rate is now $486 a month. I would have been able to give you a more accurate quote if I knew about the DUIs.”

Customer: “Oh. Well, I thought you just meant speeding tickets. I didn’t realize that DUIs counted. I mean, I wasn’t even speeding when I got them!”


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Lost Within A Hundred Feet Of Paradise

, , , , , , | Right | September 22, 2009

Guest: “I need you to put [Theme Park] into my GPS.”

Me: “Sir, it’s right around the corner. We even have a free shuttle that’ll take you over.”

Guest: “No, I want to DRIVE. Just put the coordinates into my GPS.”

Me: “Well, sir, it’s probably already a landmark in your GPS, but as I said, you just have to go out of the parking lot and turn right. The parking structure is just across the way there.”

Guest: “I need exact directions! Put the location into my GPS!”

Me: “Sir, I assure you, it’s already in your GPS. If you’d like, I can also provide you with a map. See?”

(I show him a pre-printed paper map that indicates the parking structure is literally across the street.)

Guest: “I want the park put into my GPS!”

Me: “Sir, I promise you that the park is in your GPS already, unless it’s a very cheap unit.”

Guest: “It came with my BMW rental!”

Me: “Then it’s in there, I promise you.”

Guest: “No, it’s not! Come out to my car and put it in!”

Me: “Sir, I can’t leave the desk, but if you bring the unit in, I will find the location for you.”

Guest: “Fine!”

(He leaves, and then returns with a high-end GPS unit.)

Guest: “Here!”

(I take the unit and call up the landmarks menu. Sure enough, there’s the park.)

Me: “Here it is, sir.”

Guest: *looks at the GPS unit* “WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME IT WAS AROUND THE D*** CORNER?!”

All Geared Up But Nowhere To Tow

, , , | Right | September 9, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [Car Dealership]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “I have an issue with my car not starting.”

Me: “Do you need a tow truck?”

Customer: “No, I got it started but I still want it looked at.”

Me: “All right, you can bring it right in.”

Customer: “Will you turn the car off when I get it there?”

Me: “Yes, we will need to turn it off to work on it.”

Customer: “But what if it doesn’t start again?”

Me: “Well, we will fix it.”

Customer: “Just to be safe I want you to fix it without turning the car off.”

Me: “We can’t do that. That would be unsafe for our technicians.”

Customer: “I don’t give a d*** about your technicians. If you can’t work on the car the way I want, I will call someone else!”

Me: “I’m sorry, we can’t do that.”

Customer: “Fine!” (Hangs up.)

Coworker: “So how long do you think she is going to leave her car running?”

Feeling Fuel-ish

, , , | Right | September 7, 2009

(At the gas station where I work, a customer comes barging into the store.)

Customer: “There’s $20 on my pump and I haven’t put any gas in!”

Me: “What’s the problem exactly?”

Customer: “I haven’t put any gas in but the pump says $20.”

Me: “Oh, that will be the sale from the last person who used the pump. It’s fine.”

Customer: “But there’s $20 on the pump, I’m not paying for their gas. Why’s it not on zero?”

Me: Don’t worry, it resets itself.”

Customer: “But it says $20, not zero. It hasn’t reset.”

Me: “Yes, it has. Look I’ll show you.”

(I walk out to her pump with the customer behind me. Picking up the pump, the counters reset themselves to zero.)

Customer: “Oh… I’m not usually that stupid.”

More Cars Than Common Sense

, , , , , | Right | September 1, 2009

(I work as a security officer in a mall. Every now and then, we’ll take shoppers to their cars in our “mall mobiles” as a public service.)

Me: “Hi, how are y’all doing?”

Husband: “Doing good. We just parked over there. We drive a black Lexus.”

(I’m unable to find the car in the parking lot the couple thought they parked in. I tell the other officers to help search for it in the other lots and garages.)

Wife: “What if the car got stolen?”

Me: “Well, you could file a report with us and the police.”

Wife: “That’s all? But what about our car?”

Me: “That’s all we can do, ma’am.”

(After a little over an hour, we finally declare the vehicle stolen.)

Wife: “Our car got stolen! How could you let this happen? What’s the point of you guys, anyway? You’re completely useless! We spend our money here so you guys can get paid, and you can’t even keep our cars from getting stolen! So useless!”

(They file a report with us as well as the city police, and they leave for home via taxi. After about an hour, the lieutenant comes over the radio.

Lieutenant: “You can forget about that report. That couple got home and found their car in their garage. They forgot they drove a different car tonight.”


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