(My mom and I get into my car.)

Mom: *sniffing* “Why does it smell like cigarette smoke?”

Me: “Is that what that is? I have no idea.”

Mom: “What were you doing?”

Me: “What? Mom, you know I don’t smoke!”

Mom: “Well, who else could it be?”

Me: “I don’t know! Probably not your asthmatic daughter, though!”

(We eventually decided that someone must have mistaken the car for theirs at a Christmas party from a month earlier and had a quick smoke. But I had to put up with my mom accusing me of smoking for almost a month!)

(My family is going out to eat. My aunt, mom, and dad are all in one vehicle while I am in my car a lane over with my eight-year-old cousin.)

Me: “Oh, no. They are getting ahead of us.”

Cousin: “You should speed up! Don’t let them pass!”

Me: “I’m already pushing just over the speed limit. I don’t want the police to pull me over.”

Cousin: “Don’t worry. They can’t pull you over. You have a kid in the car! That’s the rules!”

(It’s a very long car trip. I’m about 14 and my brother’s 12. We’ve been getting on each other’s nerves.)

Brother: *holds finger an inch from me* “I’m not touching you! I’m not touching you!”

(He does this for several minutes, until I snap.)

Me: “Stop not touching me!”

(He then proceeds to put his hands all over me).

Me: “THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT!”

(My Scout group and I are coming back from a camp. I am sitting in the second row from the back. Behind me at the back is one of the older Scouts, who is somewhat unpredictable. As it’s hot, the window is open.)

Older Scout: *out the window, at a passer-by* “Cheese!”

Me: “What?”

Older Scout: *at a second passer-by* “Cheese!”

Me: “What are you doing?”

Older Scout: “Shouting cheese.”

Me: “…sure, okay.”

(This continues until we get to a red light and stop. A rather angry-seeming man walks up to the bus.)

Man: “What did you just say to me?”

Older Scout: “…cheese?”

(Apparently satisfied, albeit confused, the man walks off.)

Me: “I think you should stop shouting ‘cheese.'”

Older Scout: “Yeah, probably.”

(The older scout stops looking out the window. A second man walks up. He doesn’t say anything. Rather, he spits in my face and walks away.)

Me: “Ugh!”

Older Scout: “Did that guy just spit at you?!”

Me: “Ew, I think he had chips in his mouth!”

(As far as we could work out, the second guy thought that I’d been the one shouting cheese. Since then, the older scout has stopped shouting things at random people, but it took a while for me to feel clean!)

(My boyfriend and I are driving. The subject of condoms and the correct way to put them on comes up. We went to different high schools.)

Boyfriend: “If you start to put it on backwards just flip it, I don’t see the big issue.”

Me: “Because there’s fluid that contains sperm on there that kinda defeats the purpose of using a condom if now it’s on the outside. Seriously, they didn’t cover that in your middle school or high school sex ed?”

Boyfriend: “Uh, no. Why would they? This is an amnesty education. They didn’t teach us about much prevention.”

Me: *laughing* “Amnesty? Do you mean abstinence?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, yeah. They’re both ‘a’ words.”

Me: “Amnesty means accept everyone.”

Boyfriend: “Yup. They taught us in sex ed to accept everyone.”