(My mother recounts this conversation she once had with my youngest son, age six, on a trip to the park one day.)
Son: “Grammy, what is a ‘geezer’?”
Mom: “A very old man.”
Son: “Is Grandpa a ‘geezer’?”
Mom: “Yes, I guess he is.”
Son: “Does that make you ‘Missus Geezer’?”
Mom: “Yes, sweetheart, I think it does.”
Son: “Well, it’s okay, Grammy. You’re a good cook so Grandpa will probably keep you anyway.”
(I am driving down the road with my mom and brother, when my phone rings.)
Me: “Hey, Daddy.”
Dad: “Hey, baby doll. Lemme talk to Mama a minute.”
Me: *handing phone to mom* “Five bucks says he’s outta gas; 10 says he lost a tire.”
Mom: *taking the phone* “What’s the matter?… What? … I can’t hear you…”
Me: *to brother* “20 says we have to pick him up… Make that 25.”
Mom: “It keeps cutting out. I can’t hear you… Well, you owe [My Name] $10.”
(I’m in my mid-twenties. I’m in the car with my dad, known for being quiet and reserved, driving and talking about something that happened over a decade ago.)
Me: “I’ll never forget that. We’re in a massive Suburban, on a windy two lane road, and we hit black ice and start swerving back and forth across both lanes. You just go ‘hang on’ and start turning the wheel calmly and get the car back the right way, then just kept driving like nothing had happened.”
Dad: “Yeah. I was just trying to aim for in between the trees.”
Me: *laughs* “Wait, what?”
Dad: “Yeah, I didn’t actually think I was going to get it back under control. I was just trying to aim it between the trees instead of hitting a tree head on.”
Me: “… Well, that’s reassuring.”
(My friend is preparing to go camping and discussing what he still needs to buy. We’re listening to music, and it’s a little hard to hear him.)
Friend: “I still gotta get a bug guard.”
Me: “A WHAT?!”
Friend: “A bug guard? You know, like a net for mosquitos?”
Me: “Oh! I thought you said “butt guard!””
Friend: “No… What? What is WRONG with you?! What kind of camping trip do you think this is?!”
(I’m currently driving my girlfriend home from the dentist because she just got her wisdom teeth out. She is still very woozy from the drugs.)
Me: “So, how are you? Do you want me to get you a slushie or something?”
Girlfriend: “I’m good. You’re like a maxi pad!”
Me: *holding in laughter.* “A maxi pad? Why a maxi pad?”
Girlfriend: “Yeah. Your name is Max, and you’re useful and necessary for me!”
Me: *chuckling* “Oh. Well, then, thank you for the compliment.”
Girlfriend: “Can we go shopping?”
Me: “I’m not sure if that’s a good idea…”
Girlfriend: “C’mon, you sissy, I’ll be fine!”
Me: “You’re drooling.”
Girlfriend: “Oooh, can we get ice cream at [Ice Cream Store]?
Me: “Okay. That sounds better than shopping. Maybe we’ll go shopping tomorrow if you’re up to it.”
Girlfriend: “Okay!”
(She later recalled none of this, and thankfully the workers at the ice cream shop understood.)
