(I’m on the freeway in a carpool with three friends, one of whom is driving quite fast. While she’s driving, she notices her phone ringing and picks it up and to my astonishment, starts texting and ignoring the wheel completely.)

Me: [Friend], put the phone down.”

Friend: “Just a second.”

(My other friend in the back with me and I notice the car start to veer right.)

Me: “Put. The. Phone. Down.”

Friend: *actually looks back at me* “God, just a second! You’re as bad as my f****** mother.”

(She casually replaces the car into the lane and again lets go of the wheel. Now, she’s going so fast that we’re rapidly approaching another car and I’ve had it.)

Me: [Friend], PUT THE GOD-D*** F****** PHONE DOWN RIGHT THIS F****** MINUTE!”

(Thankfully, she catches the wheel in time and slams on the brakes before hitting the other car. She pulls off to the shoulder and glares back at me.)

Friend: “How dare you say that to me? I haven’t even done anything!”

(In answer, I gathered my things, grabbed HER phone since mine was dead, and placed a call to my mother to come and pick me up. I got out of the car and to my amazement, so did the other two, also with their things. She at first waited a few minutes, calling us morons who were going to get mowed down by crazies, before finally giving up and roaring off down the freeway. My mother arrived twenty minutes later and was relieved to know why we’d done that. When one of my friends told her what I’d done, she started laughing hysterically since I’ve never been known to say anything worse than d*** in my whole life. As for our crazy friend, who isn’t our friend anymore, she’s since gotten into three minor collisions for insisting on texting and driving. Please don’t text and drive.)

(My brother is 33 and is in special ed. We are in the car coming home from a concert and listening to the radio. The names of the bands/performers, and the song usually appear on the small screen in the car. During “White Rabbit” my brother quite seriously wants to know:)

Brother: “Why’s this lady’s name Jefferson Airplane?”

(My boyfriend tends to call me a pain in the butt, because of me generally being clumsy and not thinking when I say things so words end up jumbled. We’ve just gotten into his car after he’s finished work and are about to go get food when he notices I forgot something.)

Boyfriend: “Honey, you left the parking permit in here.”

Me: “I forgot to think again.”

Boyfriend: “I’ll just drop it in tomorrow, then. Do you ever think about anything?”

Me: “You know my brain is full of rainbows and sparkles.”

(My mom and I are driving to a church where the children’s theatre in town holds camp. My brother is a counselor at the camp, so my mom drives him there every morning. We are now driving there to drop off something.)

Mom: *sigh* “…This underpass is just the worst.”

Me: “Yeah…”

Mom: “It was just as bad this morning! It’s such a… There’s a word to describe it, but I’m not going to say it.”

Me: “Uh, mom, I don’t really care if you swear around me.”

Mom: “Just because you can swear, doesn’t mean you should. Let’s just say the word rhymes with ‘cluster duck.’”

(My father has been having car troubles for quite some time now, but he finally manages to get it looked at. I need a lift, so Dad offers to take me. After his car starts immediately he turns and looks at me with pride.)

Dad: “Can you smell that sound? The engine is going great!”