The Midwest Will Be Mine, One Big Gulp At A Time!

, , , , , , | Friendly | September 4, 2020

Our family had planned a trip to see family in another state. Unfortunately, my husband had to work so he couldn’t go with us after all.

I was telling a friend in that state that we would have to cancel the trip. Unexpectedly, her husband — a high school friend of mine — volunteered to pick up my sons and me if my husband could drive us halfway there.

We made the switch. My friend and I were chatting as we neared an exit. My middle son asked if we could stop for a bathroom break. We did. As we were getting drinks, my friend whispered, “He’s asked to stop at almost every exit. Is he marking his territory?”

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Shedding Some Light On The Birds And The Bees

, , , , , | Related | September 3, 2020

When I am in college, I go to a local community college and am still living at home. I don’t have my own car and am sharing with my parents. On days when I have to work and don’t have the car, one of my parents drops me off at class in the morning and picks me up after work.

One day, I am having a really bad headache as my dad picks me up. We’re on the freeway stuck in stop-and-go traffic and there’s a semi next to us. I keep getting flashes of sun from the gap between the cab and the load the truck is hauling. This is just making things worse, so I’ve sort of twisted myself in the front seat so that I can face the driver’s side with the back of my head toward the sun.

Dad: “Are you okay?”

Me: “Yeah, just a bad headache.”

Dad: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Yep.”

Dad glances at me out of the corner of his eye.

Dad: “You’re not…” *whispers* “…pregnant, are you?”

Me: “No!”

Dad: “Well, I mean, do you know how that works?”

I’m about twenty-two, so I do know how it works. Granted, it also would be impossible for me to be pregnant right now since I haven’t had a serious relationship since high school, and the only dates I’ve been on since have not led to sex, but that’s beside the point.

Me: “Yeah, do you?”

Dad: “Of course I do!”

Me: “Well, I’m missing one pretty important piece of that equation.”

Dad: *Laughs* “Ah, right. Don’t tell me that.”

The rest of the car ride was uneventful. When we got home, I relayed the story to my mom who laughed and just shook her head at my dad. I love my dad, I do, but sometimes I think he’s kind of like Steve Martin in “Father of the Bride,” where he still sees me as his little girl in pigtails playing with Barbies, so when he hears about me doing more “adult” things, it throws him for a loop.

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Gee, It’s Almost Like Those Laws Exist For Similar Reasons

, , , , , , | Romantic | August 31, 2020

My husband and I are on our way home from somewhere and stop at our local convenience store for a fountain drink. As per recent city bylaw, we are both wearing masks. As we leave, he starts complaining about other people in the store who aren’t masked.

Husband: “I don’t like wearing a mask either, but…” 

He continues into a long rant about how we’re supposed to wear them.

At this point, we’re in the car, and I’m struggling to put my seatbelt on while holding my drink.

Husband: “Hon, we’re only a few blocks from home; you don’t need to put on your seatbelt.”

He then continued with his rant about people not following the law. I decided not to point out the irony.

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If Only He Could See His Own Face

, , , , , , | Right | August 26, 2020

My best friend and I work in a large supermarket just outside of town. Inside, there is a pavilion of other shops — shoe store, hairdresser, and optician’s. I am the cashier at the self-service, just by the exit. My best friend is working at the optician’s.

One day, we are parking in the employee car park, WAY on the other side of the building. We are sat together in the car, chatting before our respective shifts. The car is parked, not running, when all of a sudden a loud crunching sound makes up jump. The car goes forward into a bollard and my friend and I get out.

A middle-aged male customer is shouting and screaming.

Customer: “God! Are you b****es blind or something?!”

Friend: “Sir, you are the one that drove into my car.”

Customer: “You need to take your test again, little lady. I can’t believe that some a**hole let you on the road when you can’t even park!”

He goes off about this for a while, repeating that my friend needs to retake her test. Meanwhile, it’s his car in the middle of the road whilst hers is still parked up. It’s very clear who is in the wrong.

Customer: “And for all this to happen in the VIP parking?! I’m going to make a complaint! You’re going to pay for my car, little lady!”

Friend: “You’re the one that hit me! Give me your details and we’ll have our insurance sort it out. Stop threatening me.”

Me: “This isn’t VIP parking; this is the employee lot.”

The guy ignores us both and continues ranting. We both figure that he must have followed another employee through the barrier as you have to swipe a card to enter.

Friend: “This guy is insane. Come on, we’re late for work.”

We both go into the supermarket to start our shifts. An hour later, my friend rushes up to the self-serve and gestures for my attention.

Friend: “You know that insane guy that hit us in the car park?”

Me: “Um, yeah?”

Friend: “He just came into the optician’s!”

Me: “Oh, my God. Why?”

Friend: “He’s been banned from driving because he is blind in one eye. He has no depth perception at all and his vision in his remaining eye isn’t great. He isn’t wearing glasses and he refuses contacts for some reason, so he’s basically blind. He needs an optician to sign off that he is safe to drive again. Apparently, him hitting my car isn’t the first accident he’s caused.”

Me: “He’s banned from driving? But he drove here?”

Friend: “I know! I refused to sign his form. He didn’t recognise me at all. Figures, because he’s almost completely blind.”

Me: “At least you have his details for the insurance claim now.”

Friend: “I’ll do you one better. I phoned the police and let them know. They’re going to be waiting by his car when he finishes shopping.”

I kept an eye on the guy, but he didn’t come to my register. He spent over ten minutes shouting at a young girl on her first day for asking if he had a loyalty card.

I later found out from the security guy that when the guy finally did leave and saw the police, he got in his car and tried to drive away, only to slam into the barrier causing enough damage to the barrier and his car that the supermarket decided to take him to court for the costs. He was arrested for reckless driving, and driving without due care and attention, and driving whilst banned.

My friend, very luckily, had an uninsured driver clause in her policy which paid for the damages, as the guy’s insurance was invalid due to the fact he was banned from driving.

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The Art Of Breaking In Without Breaking In  

, , , , | Right | August 18, 2020

I work at a Chinese buffet. We get really busy on the weekends, and there are always cars getting broken into at the parking lot. A customer comes in with security.

Customer: “My car got broken into and my stuff was stolen.”

Manager: “Okay, did you lock your doors?”

We have a sign outside that says to lock the doors of your car because we’re not responsible for the losses.

Customer: “Yes, I did.”

Manager: “So did they break your windows?”

Customer: “No.”

Manager: “But you locked your car?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Manager: “And your doors are okay?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Manager: “And the windows are not broken?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Manager: “So… how did they get in if you locked your car and there are no damages?”

Customer: “Uh… I don’t know.”

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