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Face-First Into A Selfish Jerk

, , , , , , , | Right | CREDIT: HoustonzProblem | November 8, 2022

I work at a small grocery chain on the east coast.

My coworker was going to lunch. He was walking out into the parking lot and did not look both ways before crossing the street. As a car was driving past, he stepped out into the road and walked face-first into the rear driver’s side door.

I know this sounds ridiculous, but I even verified it on camera; he’s just not the brightest bulb.

The woman driving immediately stopped the car and got out yelling. I was walking by, and I went to check to see if everyone was okay. I walked by the woman and knelt down beside [Coworker] to see if he was okay. [Coworker] was laughing, and he shook his head.

Coworker: “I’m okay. I’m not sure what happened, though!”

Meanwhile, the lady was yelling behind me.

Driver: “Aren’t you going to ask how I’m doing? My car was hit!”

I involuntarily laughed because of the absurdity of her being upset that I checked on the person hit by the car and not on the car first. This made the driver even angrier as she stepped forward and yelled at me again.

Driver: “I don’t think this is very funny! My brand-new car is damaged, and you are going to have to pay me for the damage!”

I finished helping [Coworker] up.

Coworker: “My ankle is twisted.”

I looked at the car, which was a late-2000s model car. I tried to see the “damage” and saw a small scratch that could’ve been from [Coworker].

Me: “Well, we will get it taken care of, ma’am. I suggest you call the police to fill out an accident report.”

Driver: “No, you need to pay me for my damages!”

I shook my head and laughed — this time on purpose because I felt that she was being beyond absurd.

Me: “Ma’am, I’m not going to be paying for anything. But if you’d like to call the police and fill out a report, they can handle everything.”

Driver: *Pointing at me* “F*** you, b****!”

Then, she got in her car and peeled out of the parking lot.

I’ve been trying to figure out what happened and why she wouldn’t call the police all day. Luckily, [Coworker] just had a sprained ankle, but the store manager filled out a report and made me write a statement just in case.

Pause That Pamplemousse Posthaste!

, , , , , , , | Right | November 3, 2022

I work for a major pizza company as a delivery driver. The pizza company owns the cars, they own the insurance on the cars, and there are certain procedures that must be followed when an accident occurs, no matter how minor.

One day, I’m out delivering pizzas. Traffic gets bad, and I’m forced to stop. The Pamplemousse behind me stops way too close to my car. I signal to change lanes. The Pamplemousse behind me changes lanes and stomps on his gas, clipping my car.

It’s not a lot of damage, but there is now a dent on my company car, so I must follow procedure. First, I call dispatch and let them know. Then, I call the police. The police decline to report to the scene, and 911 lets me know that it’s okay for me to leave the scene.

I return to the pizza place. They’ve already started remaking the pizzas that I had taken out for delivery. I “dock” my car to the relevant Bluetooth connection and upload the videos between the relevant timestamps from the cameras. By the time the videos are done uploading, the pizzas have been remade.

I drive back out to deliver the pizzas, hot and steaming fresh. When I get to the first customer’s house, I notice something odd. His car is a bit dinged up, and it looks fresh.

I knock on the door, and a somewhat cranky-looking man answers.

Man: “I sped all the way home. I even got into a traffic accident to get here in time, and you arrive late!”

This was my Pamplemousse from earlier.

Me: “I’d be happy to take down your complaint.”

I felt a sort of smug sense of satisfaction as I walked him through reporting his complaint on the official corporate recorded line.

As far as I’m aware, the company’s insurance company got their money from his insurance company. Probably. They certainly didn’t take any of the damages out of my paycheck, and that’s what’s important.

I still see pizza deliveries occasionally pop up going to his address, but I have not yet had the personal pleasure of taking one to him and seeing how he’s doing.

Piss People Off And This Is What Happens

, , , , , , , , | Related | November 1, 2022

My dad is an a**hole driver — cutting people off, deliberately driving to try to irritate other drivers, all of that. All of us have tried to get him to stop, but he always insists that he is just responding to what other drivers are doing.

However, there was a turning point when I was fifteen that shifted his behavior, at least somewhat.

It was a typical day. We were driving home from visiting family, and Dad was up to his typical antics, acting like he was driving in the Daytona 500 and needed to fight for every inch so he could be ahead of all the other cars.

He had just cut into a new lane, cutting off the car ahead of us that had signaled that they wanted to get over, and as we pulled up parallel to them, he stuck his hand out his open window to flip them off.

In response, a cup flew back through his window and splattered liquid all over him.

The liquid in question? Urine.

I have no idea how or why that car had a cup full of urine on hand. Maybe the kids I’d spotted in the backseat had to go and couldn’t hold it in time for them to find a restroom.

Whatever the case, it splashed all over my dad. He took one whiff, gagged, and promptly threw up all over himself and the steering wheel. We pulled into the next available parking lot, Dad gagging and puking, and he stumbled out of the car the moment he got it slowed down enough. Mom ended up having to scramble over into the seat to actually bring it to a stop and turn it off.

Mom sent me to a convenience store down the street for cleaning supplies, but we eventually managed to clean up enough for Dad to resume driving us home.

For the next two or three months after that, Dad was a picture-perfect driver, not even sticking a toe out of line. Even when he did end up backsliding, he was never quite as bad as he’d been before “the incident”.

Her Reality Does Not Line Up With Yours… Or The World’s

, , , , | Right | October 28, 2022

I am out collecting shopping carts when a lady waves me over.

Customer: “I can’t get into my car because the car next to me parked too close!”

It is my car, and it’s in the middle of my parking space. She is on the line of hers. I stare at her for a few seconds, thinking she is joking. It is very obvious who did the s*** parking job here.

Me: “I will see what I can do.”

I went inside and explained it to my manager, who gave me permission to move it. I went back out with my keys, pretended it was someone else’s car who was busy, and moved the d*** thing.

No Parking, No Listening

, , , , , | Right | October 26, 2022

I work for a big pharmacist as a delivery driver for urgent medications. In front of the shop, only our working cars are allowed. At the moment, there is construction, so we have to drive further down the street where usually no cars are allowed.

I park in front of a shop and a lady who works there comes out.

Lady: “You cannot park here.”

Me: “I know, but because of the construction, we are allowed today.”

Lady: “But you cannot park your private car here. There is parking space down the street.”

Me: “It’s not my private car; I have a license for parking here.”

Lady: “Even I’m not allowed to park my private car here!”

Me: “That’s right, but I am working for the pharmacist right there, so we are allowed to park here.”

Lady: “Only the pharmacist is allowed to park here. Move your car or I’ll call the police!”

I point at the big-a** special parking license on my windshield.

Me: “That’s what I just said; I am working for the pharmacist.”

Lady: “So, this is not your private car? Why didn’t you tell me earlier?! You’re wasting my time!” *Storms off*