Worming Her Way Out Of A Ticket

, , , , , , | Legal | October 1, 2019

(It’s about 9:00 pm on a Sunday night when my three-year-old comes to tell me she has bugs in her poop. At first, I ignore her because she’s also recently claimed the “bugs under her skin” have been “controlling” her this last week and that’s why she’s been acting out a little. After a little while, I go and look, and it turns out the kid is right; she’s got pinworms. I quickly load her in the car and start driving to the nearest pharmacy for medicine. We hardly leave our apartment before I see red and blue lights behind me. I pull over immediately, freaking out because at 25, this is the first time I’ve ever been pulled over. The officer comes out, asks for the usual, and adds on:)

Officer: “You’ve got a tail light out, ma’am. Mind telling me why you and the little one are out so late?”

Daughter:*super happy voice* “I’ve got butt worms, Offser, and we need medicine, ’cause the butt worms are itchy!”

(The officer couldn’t stop laughing for a good five minutes. He did give me a warning, just so I could show any other officers that might have stopped me, but we got home fine, and I was able to fix the light, and my kid’s “butt worms.”)

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Love The (M)Old Vehicles

, , , | Right | September 30, 2019

(I am checking one of my sites, a domestic parking area. One car has been sitting here for a while, license plate shows it’s actually up for “clipping.” EU regulations demand a bi-yearly checkup or they lose their plates. Although this area doesn’t have time limits, the car is unsightly and currently hindering new paving work. I call the owner, telling him to move his car or it will be towed. He immediately throws a fit.)

Owner: “I am allowed to stay here as long as I want. Besides, this car is in use all the time and I live here, in [address]!”

Me: “Sir, the car is not in use, and it’s in the way. You need to put it somewhere else.”

Owner: “How can you claim my car is not in use? You need to prove that!”

Me: “Your steering wheel is moldy.”

Owner: *pause* “I’ll have it moved by Friday.”

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Unfiltered Story #172230

, , | Unfiltered | September 30, 2019

(Note that this story takes place in the early evening, and we have two dogs; one black, and one brown)

Mom: Good, we’ll be home before dark, and [black dog] goes into gorilla mode.

Me: …. What?

Dad: Gorilla mode?

Mom: Because it’s dark and she’s invisible and if we can’t see her she doesn’t have to come.

Me: OH! Guerilla mode!

Dad: [Black dog]’s usually happy to come when you call.

Mom: Oh, did I say [black dog]? I meant [brown dog].

Me: Okay, this makes sense now.

Mom: Guerilla mode for [black dog] is when she runs around without her underwear.

(My father and I start laughing)

Me: Commando. It’s going commando when she runs around without her underwear.

Mom: Yes, that too.

Not Job-Seeking Out Your Advice, Dad

, , , , | Related | September 30, 2019

(At the end of summer break before my second year of college, my father arranges for me to spend two weeks working as a receptionist in the small private company where he works, while their regular receptionist is out on vacation. I’m just meant to answer the phones, get the mail, and maybe make copies for people in the office. However, I must still interview with the company owner first, which I do. He asks me about the regular things, including past work experience; at this point I have none, and I’m honest about it. I’m a college student with one year of classes and good grades, I can use a computer, and I’m willing to work diligently and do anything they ask; that’s about all I have to say for myself. I do not try to prevaricate about anything – I didn’t even know how back then, and Dad didn’t tell me to try. The owner seems fine with it and hires me on. He actually comes off a lot nicer and more reasonable than I was expecting; the entire time my father’s been working for him, both my parents have gone on and on nonstop about this man always yelling at everyone, throwing tantrums, and seemingly having serious mental problems. I wait for my father to finish work so he can drive us home. Then, in the car, he decides to start in on me out of nowhere:)

Dad: “You know, [My Name], [Owner] is actually a very clever man. I spoke to him after your interview and he made clear that he sussed you out! Yes, he figured you out with ease and could tell right away that you don’t have any work experience at all!”

(I stare at Dad in extreme confusion about his saying something so obvious, but apparently, he misinterprets it to mean that I didn’t understand him. He then even starts shaking his finger at me in emphasis while talking.)

Dad: *as if he’s teaching me some great lesson* “Yes, [Owner] is a very smart, quick-witted man! He could tell very easily that you have no work experience! None whatsoever! It was extremely generous of him to agree to hire you anyway, and you are very lucky, since he could just tell that you have no experience! At all! He cottoned on to the fact that you haven’t ever worked anywhere before! You see, he just saw right through whatever you told him!” 

(And on and on and on in this vein while I’m just flabbergasted. While I almost never argue with my parents, finally, I’ve had enough:)

Me: “Why yes, Dad, I’m quite sure that he could figure out my lack of work experience pretty easily, seeing as I plainly told him about it myself as soon as he asked me! I didn’t try to lie to the man! What exactly is your point here?!”

Dad: *abruptly shuts up, turns away, doesn’t answer me, and keeps silent the rest of the drive home, sulking*

(He never mentioned my lack of work experience again. I still can’t figure out what his deal was. I never let him set me up with a job again, in any case. This stint turned out to be extremely unchallenging and underwhelming; they had so little work for me that I was just sitting around bored for most of eight hours per day.)

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Unfiltered Story #168402

, , , | Unfiltered | September 27, 2019

I live in Victoria, BC, Canada. One year I was corresponding with a Russian man who had moved to Bellingham from Moscow not that long ago. He and I agreed to meet in Victoria, so I set out for the ferry via public transit.
I discovered halfway into my ride that I had mistakenly boarded the wrong bus. This was long before cell phones so there was no way for me to let my friend know that I had gone off-course. By now I’m panicking and near tears because he would have no way of reaching me or vice-versa, and he had come by ferry from Vancouver to meet me at the terminal.
I saw a taxi and, not knowing what else to do, between my choking sobs I managed to ask the driver to get me as far as $5.00 – all the cash I had – would take me (which would be NOWHERE NEAR where I had to go, but at least I could call the ferry terminal from a pay phone to ask them to page my friend).

The driver took me all the way to the ferry terminal – a good 20 miles – no questions asked, and he didn’t even charge me.
Wherever you are, if you ever see this, thank you again from the bottom of my heart.