(Both my younger sister and I identify as queer. She’s currently away at a college half an hour from the town where our mother and I live. While driving with my mom one evening, we see a rainbow.)

Me: “Hah, it’s coming from [Sister]! I feel like I need to call her now. ‘I saw your signal. What do you need?’”

(The next day, I’m driving to bring my sister back to town and mention the conversation to her.)

Sister: “Oh, that was probably a signal of my death. I’m no longer president of the GSA.”

Me: “Wait, when did this happen? Just yesterday?”

Sister: “Yeah, around six pm-ish.”

Me: “Holy s***, maybe it was you signaling!”

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(My mom and I are driving home, eating ice cream, while she’s giving me a lecture about taking care of my car.)

Mom: “You need to make sure to keep an eye on your brake fluids, especially since it’s so old. Old cars tend to leak a lot.”

Me: “Like old people?”

Mom: “Well, yeah. Kind of.”

(She suddenly gets really annoyed at her ice cream.)

Mom: “D*** it! I’m leaking all over!”

(She had no clue why I was cracking up.)

(My mom is driving through a construction area. The truck driving behind us is very close to my mom’s car.)

Mom: “That truck is trying to bite my car’s heinie!”

(I’ve just run to the bank and am on my way back home, and am stopped by a red light. The way the road is set, the left lane must turn left, middle can take left or straight, and the right lane can go straight or right. I’m in the middle lane and go straight. As soon as I’ve gone under the light, a police officer comes up behind me and pulls me over. He asks for my license and proof of insurance, and I’m near tears with wondering what I’ve done.)

Officer: “Do you know what you did back there?”

Me: “No, sir, I really don’t.”

Officer: “You failed to indicate which direction you were going.”

Me: “Um …there isn’t an indication to go straight, though.”

Officer: *ignoring me* “You need to indicate in the future which direction you’re going to turn.”

Me: “Yeah, but only if you go left or right. I went straight.”

Officer: *still ignoring me* “I’m going to have to write you up for failure to use your blinker.”

Me: “Are you serious? You’re giving me a ticket because I didn’t use my blinker? You’re only supposed to use it if you go left or right. I went straight. There is no indication to go straight. The light was green. I went straight. I did nothing wrong.”

Officer: *writes ticket and hands it to me* “Next time, be sure to use your blinker. You could cause an accident.”

(I went to court on the set date to explain myself to the judge. The judge threw the ticket out and told the officer to stop writing stupid tickets. I still don’t think the officer understood why I was in the right.)

(Talking about Halloween costumes for our daughter’s first birthday (she’s a Halloween baby) and this comes up.)

Wife: “Should we do a family costume? Something that all goes together?”

Me: “That’s a great idea, what about Harry Potter, Hermione, and Luna?”

Wife: “Why Luna?”

Me: “She wears glasses and Hermione doesn’t.”

Wife: “That’s true… What about you as Harry and [Daughter] as a Snitch?”

Me: “And what, you’ll be my broomstick? I’d be happy to ride you all night long.”

(My wife and I cracked up uncontrollably for the remainder of the car ride.)