(My family and I are in the car on our way back home. My sister is staring out the window, when this conversation happens.)
Sister: “Look, isn’t the moon beautiful?”
Everyone: “Yeah.”
Sister: “I think it’s a new moon.”
Me: “No, that’s a full moon.”
Sister: “Oh, I thought it was a new moon.”
(Silence.)
Sister: “But look at that color, isn’t that an eclipse?”
Me: “No, that’s something else. And no, it hasn’t got anything to do with any of the other Twilight titles, either.”
(My boyfriend and I are of similar minds in regards to the possibility of future children: we both want none. We’re currently in my car in stop-and-go traffic on a freeway off-ramp. It’s congested because half the lanes are closed while they make improvements. The road workers are currently laying asphalt, and the in-progress section is about two or three feet higher in elevation than the existing road.)
Boyfriend: “I farted.”
Me: “I can tell. I was hoping the smell of new asphalt would cover it up but… it’s not working. Hopefully it doesn’t kill those road workers.”
Boyfriend: “They should be fine in the end. After all, it’s what they get for taking the high road!”
(There is a long pause while he snickers and I stare at him with a look that is equal parts amused and aghast at his terrible joke. And then, suddenly:)
Boyfriend: “AH, CRAP, I MADE A DAD JOKE. YOU BETTER NOT BE PREGNANT.”
(My dad is dropping me and my twin brother off at my mum’s. Whilst driving, Dad turns to my brother.)
Dad: “[Brother], do you know where god lives?”
Brother: “God lives in the clouds.”
Dad: “Good. Do you know where Satan lives?”
Brother: *thinking* “Satan lives… in New York.”
(We’re on the way home from a psychiatrist visit. I’m filling my mother in about the discussion we had.)
Me: “So he’s thinking of putting me on MAOIs or maybe adding lithium to my Pristiq.”
*beat*
Mum: “So then you’ll be a—”
Me: “So then I’ll be a—”
Both: “Battery!”
(One grandson is talking about a friend’s brothers.)
Younger Grandson: “Brothers are stupid.”
Me: *grinning and turning around to say* “You know you’re a brother; right?”
