More Than Just Your Car Needs Cleaning

| Right | July 18, 2011

Me: “Hi, how are you today? Do you have your receipt?”

Customer: “Here you go. Do you all do any detailing here?”

Me: “Sorry, we don’t. I can recommend a place.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. I just really need to get my car sodomized.”

Me: “Sorry, what?”

Manager: *walks in*

Customer, to my manager: “Do you know a good sodomizer? It’s been ages since I had it done.”

Manager: *walks out*

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Random Acts Of Wetness

, , , | Right | December 1, 2009

(I work at a convenience store with an automatic car wash that’s located in a seedy part of town. One day, a man walks in wearing a pure white t-shirt and jeans, both liberally smeared with his own feces.)

Man: “Help! Help! Man, you gotta come help!”

Me: “Are you okay? Do you need me to call an ambulance for you or something?”

Man: “No! You gotta get out here?”

Me: “What’s wrong? Do I need to call the cops?”

Man: “No! In the car wash! You gotta help!”

(I go outside to the car wash when a little old lady — completely soaking wet — bumps into me and shoves her car keys in my hand.)

Little Old Lady: “You go! You wash car!”

(As I walk into the car wash, I see that she missed the wheel guides when she drove in.)

Me: “What–”

Little Old Lady: “You wash d*** car now, please!”

(I take her keys and get her car in the wash correctly. About halfway through the five-minute cycle, I realize that I just left the store unattended and begin thinking the worst. Finally, the wash is done and I drive around to the front of the store. I’m surprised to see the soaking wet lady standing in front of the entrance with her arms spread wide, blocking anyone from entering. There’s a line of about a dozen customers in front of her that stretches down the sidewalk. I get out and give her back her keys.)

Little Old Lady: “Thank you! You nice young man!”

First Customer In Line After The Lady: “What the h*** just happened?!”

(As for the man covered in feces, I later found out that there was nothing wrong with him besides the fact that he routinely got so drunk that he crapped himself.)

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The Offend-O-Bot 3000 Strikes Again

| Right | June 18, 2009

(An old man walks into the lobby.)

Me: “Hi, how are you doing?”

Customer: “Everyone I can.”

Me: “…”

(The customer pulls out a cigar, lights it, then ashes it on the counter.)

Me: “You can’t smoke a cigar in here.”

Customer: “That’s what she said.”

Me: “…”

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Friends Don’t Let Friends Drive Sunny Side Up

, , | Right | June 1, 2009

(A woman returns to our car wash with a scowl on her face, 15 minutes after leaving. Note that she drives a black Beetle and it’s been 80 degrees with sunny skies for the past week.)

Me: “Hi, welcome back!”

Customer: “Yeah, I’d like to speak with your owner, please.”

Me: “He’s having a conference call right now. Is there something I can help you with?”

Customer: “Yeah, my car is still dirty.”

Me: “Oh, did the mud not wash off the back?”

Customer: “There was no mud. The egg didn’t wash off the roof of my car.”

Me: “Um, someone egged you car? How long has the egg been there?”

Customer: “A week or so, but that’s not the point. It didn’t wash off!”

Me: “Ma’am, the egg is baked into your paint. It’s never going to wash off.”

Customer: “What?! It’s just a f****** egg! My car is not a god-d*** frying pan! It was some friends playing a joke… Just wash it off!”

Me: “Ma’am, the egg is baked on. You have to get it repainted. Whoever egged your car is no friend of yours.”

(The customer suddenly gets very quiet and glares at me.)

Customer: *whispers* “Who have you been talking to?”

(The customer pointed her finger at my face and began to slowly back out the door. She then sat in her car and slowly drove off… without breaking her stare.)

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Oh Sweet Irony, How Thou Dost Tease Me

| Right | July 15, 2008

(I am a booth girl at a car wash: I tell customers about our products, mark their choice, and give them a ticket. There is a giant 4′ by 2′ sign on my booth that lists everything in detail.)

Me: “Hi, can I suggest our Premier package today?”

Customer: “How much does it cost?”

Me: *motions towards board* “$16.95.”

Customer: “What comes with it?”

Me: *motions to board again, listing options*

Customer: “What’s the difference between that and the number 2?”

Me: *motions third time, lists options*

Customer: “What about he number 2 and number 1? Does number 3 come with the clean car guarantee? Is there an oversize charge for my Denali?”

(ALL of this is listed in huge letters right in front of her face. She finally makes a decision.)

Customer: “I’ll take the number 3, but I don’t want any wax.”

Me: “No problem, I’ll mark your window to let them know to skip the wax.”

Customer: “I sure hope they read!”

Me: *ultimate facepalm*

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